Mixed Up Batch

SUNRISE-A SONG OF TWO HUMANS-1927-Excellent silent screen film made by German director FW Murnau, his first American film. It follows the story of a married couple whose lives are complicated by the husband’s affair with a “woman from the city”. It’s a classic bit of storytelling.

Murnau uses very few dialogue cards (as in his THE LAST LAUGH which used none at all) and even injects the story with some humorous characters. The film won several Academy Awards (the first ones ever) including best actress for Janet Gaynor as the wife. Murnau, best known for NOSFERATU, only made three more movies. He was killed in a car accident in 1931 before the premiere of his last film TABU.



ULTIMATE AVENGERS-THE MOVIE-2006 –This is an adaptation of a special comics series put out by Marvel. The heroes and their secret identities are different from regular “universe”. For example Thor, The Norse God of Thunder is regarded as more or less loony who thinks he’s a god rather than being the actual one. Nick Fury (now a general) is African-American. Ant Man/Giant Man Hank Pym is a wise ass. Bruce Banner lives in a drug induced fear of becoming the uncontrollable Hulk (still better than the Ang Lee version!) and Iron Man is more like Robot Man. Nobody is really happy. They battle some aliens who had once given a nuclear warhead to The Nazis and break up after their first mission but eventually get it back together to beat the aliens and battle a marauding Hulk. Despite its faults it’s not bad action wise. A sequel followed.



ATOM AGE VAMPIRE-1960-This weird Italian horror story has a plot typical of its time. A blond dancer is permanently scarred in an auto accident after her boyfriend dumps her. A kind of mad scientist (Alberto Lupo) has a cure for her and in the process they fall in love much to the dismay of his jealous female assistant. The cure seems to work. Well, actually it only lasts a day or two. Then he has to go out and kill women. He turns himself into a scary looking monster but is eventually betrayed by his trusted servant. It’s funny in places and the dubbing is bad but the monster- vampire-scientist is kind of cool!



Personal note: Not only am I a cavedog I am also a nostalgic old fuddy duddy and I'd just like to mention that the above movie was also the first I ever taped using a VCR timer! Isn't that fascinating??

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CaveDog Calling Dick Tracy...

DICK TRACY-1937-This is the first film adaptation of Chester Gould’s famous comic strip detective. It’s actually a 15-chapter serial that was later condensed and re-released as a feature in the early ‘40’s. Ralph Byrd isn’t bad as the square jawed detective, trying to find out who’s behind “The Spider Murders” but most of the “classic” supporting characters from the strip are left out. He’s assisted by Fred Hamilton as Steve Lockwood, Smiley Burnette as Mike McGurk, Kay Hughes as Gwen Andrews and Lee Van Atta as Junior. The villainous Spider (who’s identity is kept secret till the final chapter) keeps Dick busy trying kill him, blow up bridges and even turning Tracy’s own brother against him and into a hypnotized slave! Like most serials it’s very far fetched and some of the acting is very bad. Former silent matinee idol Francis X Bushman appears as Chief Anderson. John Picorri is the hunchbacked mad scientist Moloch and Byron Foulger, Ray Bancroft and William Hopper also have roles.

Two more serials followed: DICK TRACY RETURNS and DICK TRACY’S G-MEN (both with Byrd, a busy character actor in other films until is untimely death in 1951 after filming a Dick Tracy TV series).

DICK TRACY-DETECTIVE-1945–Not to be confused with the above reviewed DICK TRACY from 1937 that was a feature condensation of the serial starring Ralph Byrd, this one has the inadequate Morgan Conway playing the comic strip detective. Lyle Latell (as Pat Patton) and Anne Jefferys (as Tess) are there. Junior too. This time Tracy is on the trail of Splitface (Mike Mazurki), a vicious murderer with a nice facial scar. It’s all right but Conway just isn’t “squared jawed” enough for the role. Director William Berke directed and/or produced nearly 100 pictures from the early ‘30’s till the late 1950’s (he was also an actor in silent films) including many Westerns and the “Jungle Jim” series. He died in 1958 at the age of 55.

DICK TRACY VS. CUEBALL-1946-Another installment of Chester Gould’s comic strip character, this time with the badly miscast Morgan Conway in the title role. Tracy and partner Pat Patton (Lyle Latell) are after a jewel thief and murderer Cueball (Dick Wessel with no hair). Not much happens in the mundane storyline but Ian Keith as Vitamin Flintheart is always good for a few laughs. Anne Jeffreys is Tess, Dick’s girlfriend who has a little more to do than usual. Esther Howard is Filthy Flora, a floozy bar owner and Douglas Walton is Percival Priceless, an antiques dealer. Also with the great Byron Foulger and the creepy Skelton Knaggs. Director Gordon Douglas later on made the giant ants epic THEM!, Bob Hope comedies, blaxpoltation and many other films. Screenwriter Robert Kent later wrote and/or produced many Edward Cahn movies.

DICK TRACY’S DILEMNA-1947-Second to last in the series (star Ralph Byrd died suddenly of a heart attack in 1951), it features Tracy and partner Pat Patton (Lyle Latell) on the trail of “The Claw” (Jack Lambert), a hook handed murderer and fur thief. Ian Keith as ham actor Vitamin Flintheart is a highlight. Kay Christopher doesn’t have much to do as Tess. Not much happens but The Claw’s death is fairly memorable. Sean McClory and Jason Robards Sr. have small roles. Journeyman director John Rawlins also made THE GREEN HORNET STRIKES AGAIN!, SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE VOICE OF TERROR and the last in the Tracy series, DICK TRACY MEETS GRUESOME (with Boris Karloff as the title villain). 

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Dr. Goldfoot Rings The Bell

DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE-1965-This dated and dumb take-off is kind of like an off-shoot of AIP’s long running “Beach Movies” but is really only worth watching because of Vincent Price’s fun performance as the top billed villain. He’s invented an army of bikini-clad robots and sends one (Susan Hart) to seduce and marry a rich dork (Dwayne Hickman). His stupid assistant Igor (familiar and annoying 60’s character actor Jack Mullaney) ruins many of his other plans (and scenes!). Frankie Avalon is a secret agent who tries to help. Fred Clark plays his grouchy boss/uncle. Despite a lot of silliness and car chases Price, in smoking jacket and Abdullah The Butcher type slippers manages to be entertaining enough to save the whole thing. The Supremes do the theme song!

Director Norman Taurog’s career started in 1920! He directed most of Elvis’ ‘60’s movies. Price made WAR-GODS OF THE DEEP (also with Hart) the same year and starred in a worse sequel in 1966 DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE GIRL BOMBS (directed by Mario Bava!).

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Bad Things Come In Threes They Say...

There are many many reasons to watch terrible movies but I don't know why sometimes. I was watching a movie from 1989 which was released on an unsuspected public by those "wonderful" idiots from Troma Pictures called THEY CALL ME MACHO WOMAN but was mercifully changed for cable to SAVAGE INSTINCT. A woman (Debra Sweaney) observes the operations of a cocaine producing farm. She's kidnapped, abused and nearly raped. She escapes but is recaptured and eventually fights back by cleaning up some old tools she finds in a shed and turning herself into a super backwoods revenge chick.



The drug group is made up of hippies, dweebs and other assorted assholes all led by a meanie named Mongo (played by shot putter and strongest man competitor Brian Oldfield who looks a little like Charles Napier). Some of the dialogue is silly but I think all the funny parts were suppose to be funny so maybe this was really a comedy/drama! Don't ya hate when that happens?! SAVAGE INSTINCT was written produced and directed by Patrick G. Donahue who made a couple of other movies including KILL SQUAD (with Cameron Mitchell) and the ROLLERBALL inspired GROUND RULES. Gee, I wonder what he's doing now....????....



Before he created Tae Bo and started teaching kickboxing to the likes of Shannon Tweed  and Hulk Hogan, Billy Blanks made some entertaining low budget martial arts action films (ironically he co-starred in 2 with wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper).

SHOWDOWN from 1993 is not one of them! This should not be confused with a Leo Fong "masterpiece" of the same name and made the same year. In this version barrel chested Billy plays a cop who kills a criminal accidently, quits the force and becomes a janitor at the school from Hell where Brion James is the principal. He winds up taking on a protege' (Kenn Scott) and blah,blah,blah Big Bill finds himself in a deadly finale with the brother of the dead criminal (Robert Kilpatrick) proving violence is the only way to go in this teen-fu drama filmed in Pheonix, Arizona. Director Robert Radler directed several direct to video sequels and TV shows. Well, it's a living......



TRAXX (1998) is a piss poor "comedy" that features DJ Shadow Stevens (a "celebrity" regular on several versions of TV's "Hollywood Squares") as a super mercenary do good-er aptly called Traxx. The inept filmakers try to make his totally obnoxious character likable by having him blow away lots of scumbag criminals but it doesn't help. It's sort of like a made for TV Troma movie! It features other TV actors like Priscilla Barnes, John Hancock and creepy Robert Davi. Thankfully director Jerome Gary has not been heard of for a while. Sadly, screenwriter Gary Devore (who had scripted DOGS OF WAR and later penned RAW DEAL) drowned to death under suspicious circumstances in 1997 at age at 56....


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Early Morning Reviews!

SH! THE OCTOPUS-1937-Two bumbling detectives Kelly (Hugh Herbert) and Dempsey (Allen Jenkins) investigate the strange goings on in an abandoned lighthouse. Many suspects abound (including a crazy caretaker with a hook hand). It's a typical "Old Dark House" story with characters who aren't as they first appear and the lights going out at critical times. They are all occasionally menaced by an octopus. It's dated and dumb but fortunately it's short length (56 mins.) makes it easier to take. It's based on a 1928 stage play. Familiar character actor John Eldredge is also in it. I saw it on TCM.


EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING-2004-In this meaningless prequel Father Merrick (Stellan Skarsgard in the Max Van Sydow role) is a former priest, now a faithless archeologist because some Nazis forced him to choose who should die in this town during WW2. He goes to East Africa to check out a tomb and eventually has his first encounter with the demon Pazuzu years before it got a hold of Regan. There’s a lot of violence especially against children (one kid is shown graphically being eating by wolves, a little girl is shot in the head). But this figures since original director Paul Schrader was fired by Morgan Creek because they didn’t think his version was bloody enough. They hired hack Renny Harlin to re-shoot it (some reports say 90% of it was re-done and at least two characters were dropped) and after a very slow start gave them what they wanted. Too bad he forgot about the audience…

Actress Izabella Scorupo turns into a Linda Blair look demon (but doesn’t puke) and Ben Cross (who I think might once have been a good actor) has a small role.

Schrader’s original version was released on DVD in 2005 as DOMINION: THE PREQUEL TO THE EXORCIST and is actually very good!



THE WILD WOMEN OF WONGO-1958-This is one of those very strange movies that doesn’t fit into a category unless the category is ridiculous! It’s probably on par with something like QUEEN OF OUTER SPACE and even that’s stretching it! Apparently the community of Wongo has very beautiful women and very ugly men. The neighboring Goona has “pretty men” and ugly women. Trouble starts when one of the pretty boys from Goona visits Wongo to warn them of some ape like invaders from the sea. The Wongo Women decide they like the Goona men better. Everyone looks suitably goofy in loincloths and well done up hairstyles. A parrot makes occasional comments too! There’s a lot of dancing and very funny stilted dialogue. Much of the music is the same as in PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE! This mainly plays like a nudie film that someone forgot to put nudity into! 

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Now This Is Funny!

GETTING ANY?-1995-Poor Asao! All he wants to do is have sex with a woman in a car. His efforts to make this come to pass eventually involve him in robbery, murder, impersonating a Yakuza hit man and getting blown up several times. This absurd and hysterical comedy was written and directed by Takeshi “Beat” Kitano better known to western audiences for his violent action films like VIOLENT COP and the incredible HANA-BI. But Kitano started out as a comedian (in a duo called “The Two Beats”) so it’s not too unusual. Take-offs on Kirosawa, Zaitochi (which he would later remake), Mothra and many other subjects are featured. At the end Asao becomes a giant fly and terrorizes Tokyo! Kitano plays a bumbling scientist working on an invisibility formula. Deadpan lead actor Dankan had been in Kitano’s BOILING POINT and was later in Miike’s DEAD OR ALIVE 3.

"Behind every successful man is a woman and behind her is his wife"-Groucho Marx

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Too Much Monkey Business!

KONG ISLAND-(1968)

Ya know, sometimes you never can tell about movies. Say, you're up late one night and the very late show is about to show a seldom seen epic called KING OF KONG ISLAND. You might be intrigued. You might think "this sounds like a really cool movie". You might even want to watch it......

Beware! My friends, beware! The real title of the movie is simply KONG ISLAND and it was made in Italy circa 1968. It features ex-Hercules type bodybuilder Brad Harris as a mercenary seeking revenge on his former partner, a mad scientist experimenting with the worst gorillas in film history! The mad doc is played by former Hollywood tough guy Marc Lawrence (who died in 2005), who was in HOLD THAT GHOST with Abbott & Costello and John Huston's ASPHALT JUNGLE in better days. He was blacklisted in the 50's and went to Europe and wound up in shit like this! He was in two James Bond movies in the '60's though and had a very small role in FROM DUST TIL DAWN (don't blink or you'll miss him!). He even went on to make his very own horror opus DADDY'S LITTLE DARLING (aka: PIGS) about flesh eating hogs! Oh yeah, about KONG ISLAND. It's terrible.

The guy who "presented" this movie in America, Dick Randall was also responsible for stuff like THE WILD WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD and PIECES. An actress named Esmeralda Barros is on hand to scream a lot as a jungle girl named Eve. She was later in THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT.

The director, Robert Mauri directed other films including KOMMISSAR X (also with Harris) and SLAUGHTER OF THE VAMPIRES. His last name is changed to Morris in this picture to fake you into thinking it was made in The U.S. Don't be fooled! Don't watch this movie even if it's on TV. You will fall asleep!

In any language, it's bad!


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