A Hex On Them!

JONAH HEX-2010-More comic book revisionist bullshit. This CGI driven action western reduces the DC comic character into another violent killing machine. It's much like any direct to video junk featuring Van Damme, Seagal or some MMA fighter on the market today except for the western setting.

Josh Brolin (very good in the role) is Hex an ex-confederate soldier who's family was murdered by crazy Confederate general Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich; also very good) who also gives Jonah is distinctive facial scars (in the comic Apaches did it). Somehow he can also talk to the dead and he carries two Gatling guns on each side of his saddle! He also has a sawed off shotgun that shoots rockets. General Grant (Aidan Quinn) enlists Hex to catch Turnbull who Hex believed to be dead. Turnbull wants to build a "super weapon" that Eli Whitney designed for the government. He wants to use it to kill everyone on the 4th of July.

Megan Fox is a prostitute Hex is sweet on. Also with Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett, Tom Wopat, Lance Reddick and Rance Howard.

Strangely director Jimmy Hayward's previous effort was HORTON HEARS A WHO! Despite the nice acting by the leads and the over all excellent direction (there are some stupid parts) there's something missing from this adaptation to make it really entertaining. Oh yeah, it's not really like the comic book character....

Here's the real McCoy!:



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Band Junk

TERRORVISION-1986-This is a stupid sci-fi/horror/comedy from the now defunct Empire Pictures who’s owner Charles Band flooded the video shelves with his direct to video projects.

An idiotic television obsessed family’s satellite dish is invaded by alien space junk. A blob like monster (that seems to have one eye attached to it’s penis) crushes heads and vaporizes its victims. They can also reanimate them so no one suspects expect the young son (Chad Allen). The victims include disco clad swinger parents (Gerrit Graham and Mary Woronov), their annoying grandfather (Bert Remsen) and two other “swingers” (Alejandro Rey and Randi Brooks). Their daughter (Diane Franklin) and her metal head boyfriend (Jonathan Gries) try teach the monster about Earth (“This is music. It’s almost as important as food”).

Director Ted Nicolaou made the SUBSPECIES series and other stuff for Band who’s brother Richard wrote the music. TV clips include scenes for ROBOT MONSTER and EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS.

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Early Jack

BACK DOOR TO HELL-1964-Three army intelligence operatives land in Manila just before McArthur to try and destroy a Japanese communications outfit. It was filmed in The Philippines by Monte Hellman so the few Japanese soldiers are played by Filipinos. The leader of the trio is played by singer Jimmie Rodgers. John Hackett (who co-wrote the screenplay) and still unknown Jack Nicolson (who speaks Japanese…?) are the other two. They get help from a local guerilla outfit and torture a Japanese general. The dialogue is rather stilted and there’s not much action. Nicolson was also in RIDE THE WILD WIND and FLIGHT TO FURY for Hellman. Hackett was later a stand-in for Nicolson.

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Movies I'll Never Get Around To Writing Anymore About!

THE REBELLIOUS REIGN-1980-A martial artist (Jimmy Lee aka Lung Fong) teams up with a Prince (Norman Chu) in a grab for power set during The Ching Dynasty. Nice period piece with a bunch of long violent fights and a pessimistic ending.



TWO DRAGONS AGAINST THE TIGER-1975-Typical Hong Kong martial arts movie is almost all non-stop fights. A group of friends strike gold and want to find wives. However revenge gets in the way of their plans and everyone fights!



AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR-2004-Millionaire Lance Hendriksen assembles a group of scientists, soldiers and doctors to investigate an underwater pyramid his satellite radar discovers. After a bit of exploring it becomes obvious that they are in middle of a war between 2 modern day horror/Sci-Fi icons! Those deviously reproducing aliens and Governor Swarzenegger’s worst nightmare, the other worldly Predators! It seems the Predators bred the aliens as a test for their mightiest warriors (and really stacked the deck against themselves!). The team is killed and a few go the “John Hurt route”. Director Paul W. Anderson also made RESIDENT EVIL, EVENT HORIZON and MORTAL KOMBAT.

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The Stooges and West Out West

THE OUTLAWS IS COMING!-1965-The Three Stooges reek havoc in the old west!

Adam West (just before the BATMAN TV show) plays a crusading Boston magazine editor who goes to Wyoming to stop the slaughter of the buffalo. Of course he takes his three assistants (Moe, Larry & Curly Joe) along with him. There they run into town boss Rance Roden (Don Lamond) and gunslinger Trigger Mortis (Mort Mills) who are deliberating killing the buffalo to start a war with the Indians. Nancy Kovack is Annie Oakley.

It’s kind of dumb but the Stooges manage a few good laughs. There’s no eye poking but a lot of slapstick and even some pie throwing. Stooge second (or fourth?) banana Emil Sitka plays 3 roles. Henry Gibson plays a hip talking Indian and 1960’s children’s TV host “Officer” Joe Bolton has a small role.

Not counting KOOK’S TOUR (an aborted project that was later re-edited) this was the last of the “new” Stooges feature films (which began in 1959 with HAVE ROCKET-WILL TRAVEL). It was directed by Moe’s son-in-law Norman Maurer (who also directed them in AROUND THE WORLD IN A DAZE two years before). Maurer (along with comic book artist Joe Kubert) created the first 3-D comic book as well as well as the “CineMagic” film process (with producer Sidney Pink). He managed the Stooges from 1957 until Larry Fine’s stroke in the early ‘70’s. He later created the cartoon series THE THREE ROBOTIC STOOGES and worked on other Hanna-Barbera projects. He died in 1986.

It was a comic book too!



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It's A Croc!

ROGUE-2007-A giant crocodile terrorizes some tourists who get shipwrecked in an Australian swamp. Everybody fights and argues and the victims are picked off. Radha Mitchell (SILENT HILL) is the tour guide and Michael Vartan (TV’s ALIAS) is an American reporter. Both whisper a lot. Later on Vartan finds the croc’s lair and loses some fingers fighting it hand to hand! A “been there, seen that” horror film. Sam Worthington (recently seen as Perseus in the CLASH OF THE TITANS remake) is an early victim. Director Glen Mclean had previously made WOLF CREEK. 

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More of The Same

ASYLUM-2008-More derivative psychological horror nonsense has a group of teens staying in a dorm that used to be an insane asylum for teenagers where the doctor did experiments on them. One teen (Sarah Roemer from DISTURBIA) who'd seen her father kill himself when she was little has weird visions. It seems the evil doctor has come back and is killing off the new kids. 

The director of this muck David R. Ellis previously made SNAKES ON A PLANE and FINAL DESTINATION 2 and was stuntman on movies like HOTEL FOR DOGS.

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