No Arrvial

 

 (themoviedb.org)

SECOND ARRIVAL-(aka ARRIVAL II)-1998-Slack ass computer dork Jack (Patrick Muldoon from “The Days of Our Lives” soap opera) stumbles upon a alien invasion plan after his brother is killed. The aliens can assume human form and have collapsable knees. Michael Sarrazin is a helpful professor. TV actress Jane Sibbett is an investigative reporter. It's pretty dull. 

Director Kevin Tenney made the entertaining NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1987) and WITCHTRAP (1989) both with Linnea Quigley but his recent efforts have been pretty boring.

Thanks for reading!

It Falls Flat

 

 (imdb)

THE FALLING-1986-3 American dweebs (Dennis Christopher, Martin Hewitt & Lynn Holly Johnson) touring Spain (where this was filmed) are terrorized by an alien monster created by space fungus from the 1973 Skylab crash. They spend most of the time acting stupid and helping a weird NASA scientist (famous Spanish actor Luis Prendes). A gas station attendant explodes and an “Alien” like creature attacks. They escape in the end but one of them becomes infected so they all die I guess, Not sure, but some scenes may have been intentionally funny. 

Directed and written by Deran Sarafian (TO DIE FOR (1988)). Producer Carlos Aured (who directed early Paul Naschy movies) had nothing good to say about this production. Lead actress Johnson was US figure skater who'd starred in the Disney flop WATCHER IN THE WOODS (1980) and had a supporting role in the James Bond flick FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981).

Thanks for reading!

Warning! Bad Sequel Ahead!

 

 (imdb)

SPECIES 2-1998-A lab, lead by Dr. Baker (Marg Helgenberger) recreates the original Sil from a frozen embryo so they can study it and determine how to fight it if one ever comes to Earth again (sounds like a bad idea). Baker and the new Sil now named Eve (Natasha Henstridge), seem to be friends. Meanwhile, 3 astronauts return from space. Capt. Patrick Ross (Justin Lazard), lead astronaut, whose father is a senator (John Crom-well), is infected by a similar alien and impregnates two women who almost immediately die while giving birth. A clumsy scientist Orinsky (Baxter Harris) breaks a beaker which contains alien blood. 

A one-eyed Colonel (George DeZundza) calls in a now reluctant Press Lennox (Michael Madsen) to find the new alien. A doctor named Crom-well (uncredited Peter Boyle) who discovered there may be life on Mars might be able to help but he's in a padded cell. Ross prowls around impregnating and killing women. Eve has a kind of psychic connection with Ross which helps Lennox, now joined by astronaut Gamble (Mykelti Williamson), to track him down. 

Most of this loser sequel seems to be an excuse to show a lot of gratuitous gore, violence, rape and topless women. It also includes several creatures bursting ALIEN like from women’s stomachs. Pretty bad. It bombed but of course another sequel was made. Filmed in Baltimore. 

Director Peter Medak in better times made THE RULING CLASS (1972), LET HIM HAVE IT (1990) and THE KRAYS (1991).

Thanks for reading!

Doom is Right!

 

 (imdb)

SS DOOMTROOPER-2006-During WW2, a Nazi mad scientist (Ben Cross) creates a huge monster soldier from a man using radiation. England hires Col. Malloy (Corbin Nemec) to go behind enemy lines to destroy the compound. He assembles a bunch of Dirty Dozen wannabes to help him. 

The sfx, acting and dialogue suck. All thrown together by director David Flores (SAND OF OBIVION the same year).

Thanks for reading!

Trio!

 

 (imdb)

LETHAL VIRUS-2021-Terrible, laughable nonsense about a virus that turns people into cannibalistic zombies ala 28 DAYS LATER and THE CRAZIES. The acting is terrible and the sfx are garbage. Director Daniel Hernandez Torrado should stop...Now!

 themoviedb.org)

ROBOT APOCALYPSE-2021-A bunch of stupid hackers wind up trying to stop a sentient AI that's gained control of the US army's drones. Former mixed martial artist Tito Ortiz is one of the stars, so don't say I didn't warn you. Low budget Sci Fi junk from director Marcus Friendlander.

 (Mubi)

THE MOVIES OF HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS AND THE ORIGINS OF SPLATTER-2022-Great short to the point documentary about Herschell Gordon Lewis and the rise of the gore or splatter films and the movies he made that help start it. It gives a good basic look at his "blood trilogy" and the horror movies that followed. It's a YouTube video created by Ben Simpson on his channel.

Thanks for reading!

Solar Times 2

 

 (amazon)

SOLAR DESTRUCTION-2008-Solar flares threaten Earth. A 15-year-old math genius asshole (Chris Brochu) predicts what will happen but nobody believes him even after two scientists (Tracey Gold, Cliff DeYoung) back him up. An evil rich guy works against them. I've seen worst but this is pretty bad. The acting really blows. Low budget boredom from director Fred Olen Ray. Aka SOLAR FLARE.

 (the moviedb.org)

SOLAR IMPACT-2019-Forgettable 28 DAYS LATER rip-off about a group of dummies trying to survive after solar debris has turned most of the population of England into crazed zombies. Later it becomes a NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD talk fest. Directed by Craig Tudor James.

Double Thanks for reading!

Who Asked for a Sequel?

 

 (imdb)

MEGALODON RISING-2021-This a sequel to MEGALODON. It's a cheap talky badly acted giant shark piece of bull shit. Big cartoonish prehistoric sharks terrorize 2 battleships, one US navy, the other Red China. Ted Sizemore stars and it was directed by Brian Nowak. Good night....

Thanks for reading!

Not Relevant

 

 (imdb)

AGENT REVELATION-2021-This amateurish sci-fi film is actually a sequel. A sinister alien dust called "Ash" threatens Earth. A rich guy (Michael Dorn) runs an institute to combat the invasion. An Asian American dude named Jim Yung (Director/writer Derek Ting) seems to have some powers but this is just some stupid video game influenced junk.

Thanks for reading!

Kinski on Saturn

 

 (imdb)

CREATURE-THE TITAN FIND-1985-During a space race between the USA and W. Germany, two astronaut-scientists are killed by an "Alien" type creature. Then their spaceship crashes into a station orbiting the moon. Some genius decides to send a bunch of dorks and airheads to investigate the find on Titan, the largest moon of the planet Saturn. After a woman is killed and things slow down, the mysterious astronaut Hoffner (Klaus Kinski) shows up to explain what's going on. After he's killed, he comes back as a reanimated zombie. 

This turns into an ALIEN rip-off with characters being picked off one by one and bloody sfx ranging from very good to not so good. Co-writer/director William Malone later made the big-budgeted HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL remake.

Thanks for reading!

Bad Future

 

 

 (imdb)

FUTURE WAR-1997-Some aliens, cyborgs and dinosaurs invade Earth. A nun (Travis Brooks Stewart) and an alien tracker (Daniel Bern-hardt) try to stop them. The dinosaurs are terrible plastic models but they act better than most of the cast. The tracker, a Jean-Claude Van Damme clone battles the head cyborg (Robert D'Zar) in the finale. Forrest J. Ackerman has a bit role. 

The director Anthony Doublin did visual effects for some big budgeted Hollywood movies (HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 1; 1941) but went on to a shot on video atrocity SLAUGHTERED.

Thanks for reading!

Exterminate...

 

EXTERMINATORS FROM THE YEAR 3000-1983-In this Road Warrior rip off, after the ozone layer is destroyed, post apocalyptic survivors search for water while a bald headed nut called Crazy Bull (Fred Harris) and his assistant Shadow (Beryl Cunningham) lead a gang of outlaws also searching for H20. A young bionic boy Tommy (Luca Venantini) looking for his dad attaches himself to Mad Max wannabe Alien (Robert Jannuchi).They meet ex-astronaut Papillon (Luciano Pigozzi) who fixes Tommy's arm. Later they are joined by Alien's ex-girlfriend Trash (Alicia Moro) in a hunt for water. 

Badly made in Italy nonsense directed by Giuliano Camimino (THE CASE OF THE BLOODY IRIS).

Thanks for watching!

Shut Up

 

SILENCIO-2018-This science fiction mystery involves a weird stone from outer space, a scientist (John Noble) with Alzheimer's, a turtle and flashbacks. It's partially in English and partially in Spanish but a totally stupid incoherent disaster from Mexican director Lorena Villarreal.

Thanks for reading!

Rim Shit

 

ATLANTIC RIM-2013-Stupid confusing shit from The Asylum is a blatant rip off of PACIFIC RIM but on a much lower budget. Graham Greene is the cliche spouting commander. Red (David Chokachi) is the asshole best pilot who proves if he got killed no one would care. He's assisted by Tracy (Jackie Moore) and Jim (Treach). 

This nonsense was released to cash in on the success of PACIFIC RIM, a stunt The Asylum as tried before. It's also  known as FROM THE SEA. The director Jared Cohn has made other stuff.

Thanks for reading!

Italian Space Opera

STAR PILOT-1966-On the isle of Sardinia, Paolo (Mario Novelli), Louisa (Leontine Snell) and Professor Solmi (Roland Lesaffre) investigate a mysterious giant hole that has formed. After an earthquake opens up a tunnel they follow it. There they discover an underground spaceship. When their car and the phone won't work, the small group (they were joined by two guys who were at the site already) is stranded. Then 3 "Oriental" agents from an unnamed Asian country (but not Red China) show up thinking the spaceship is some new invention of the professor's. The trio make the group go back to the cave and they kill an alien robot. A badly staged fight ensues. 

Meanwhile a red haired alien lady sends two henchmen, Belsy (Kirk Morris) and Artie (Alfio Caltabiano) to capture everyone which they do but one Asian is burnt to a crispy skeleton. The aliens were investigating Earth's "nuclear experiments" when they had to make an emergency landing. Now they want the professor to repair their ship while Louisa is held hostage. Later after repairs are made they all take off in the spaceship, the aliens reneging on their promise to free the earthlings. They run into problems with the ship. The captain puts on a black haired wig and this dog turns into a romance novel. As she and Paolo kiss the group is attacked by some gorilla like beings (who kill the Asians). 

Later they find a derelict Russian spaceship with two cosmonaut skeletons. From the ship's log they learn the Earth has been devastated by nuclear war so the captain takes them back to Hydra whose inhabitants fearing nuclear fallout have left their home planet. 

This Italian production has a cheesy story, acting and sfx all rolled into one big fat space opera by director Pietro Francisci (HERCULES and HERCULES UNCHAINED).

Thanks for reading!

More Buchanan

IN THE YEAR 2889-1967-Instead of music during the opening credits we get several mushroom cloud explosions and a voice reading Scriptures. After we find out this direct for TV remake of Roger Corman’s DAY THE WORLD ENDED was directed by Larry Buchanan everything falls into place.  

Capt.John Ramsey (Neil Fletcher; also in CREATURE OF DESTRUCTION) and his daughter Joanna (Chara Doherty) await the arrival of Larry, her fiance after the bombs have dropped. Dad says she should give up hope but she refuses and when there's a knock at the front door she's elated to think Larry did make it. Despite dad’s warning she opens the door. Surprise! It’s not Larry but a scarred victim of radiation poisoning. And according to Pop’s Geiger counter he should be dead! A minute later a guy named Steve (Paul Petersen; in better days the teen star of TV's THE DONNA REED SHOW) shows up and says the radioactive guy is his brother Granger (Max W. Anderson).  Then thug Mickey (Hugh Feagin) and his girl friend Jada (Quinn O'Hara) show up. Steve catches drunk rancher Henderson (Billy Thurman) peeping on Jada. John lays down the law and Jo thinks she hears someone calling her. Granger needs fresh meat and goes out at night hunting game. John says he’s a mutant and should be destroyed.

 A few weeks later (?), Steven and Joanna are falling in love and Granger is setting traps to catch wild game. However he’s scared off by an even uglier mutant who eats the rabbit Granger had planned for his din-din. Pop says as long as it doesn't rain for a while they should be ok. The girls go for a swim in what dad calls a “spring fed pool”. It looks like a regular cement pool and has a diving board! The ugly mutant prowls around. 

This nearly scene for scene (with most of the original dialogue) remake gets boring really fast and the makeup is horrible. Thurman’s original role (played by Raymond Hatton) was a prospector with a pet donkey. Here he’s an alcoholic bootlegger. I guess this version couldn't afford a real donkey. 

Despite some cast listings Jules Verne is not in this movie. The title was appropriated from a Verne short story that AIP had the rights to but never made and had the title under copy-right. This is one of four AIP movies remade for the com-pany that were released di-rectly to TV. Buchanan directed them all plus the “originals” MARS NEEDS WOMEN, CURSE OF THE SWAMP CREATURE and IT'S ALIVE!

Thanks for reading! 

The original: https://moviemeltdown.blogspot.com/2009/07/this-is-very-long.html

Zager & Evans: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izQB2-Kmiic

Thanks for reading!

'80's Junk

LAND OF DOOM-1984-In post-apocalyptic future, gangs of “mad men” roam the land raping and killing. Smug humorless Harmony (Deborah Rennard) meets a wounded guy named Anderson (Bruce Campbell wannabe Garrick Dowhen). She carries a crossbow and doesn't like to be touched (“Never touch me!”). A nut named Slater (Daniel Radell) who leads the group wants Anderson. He sends a cackling dick named Demister (also Radell) to capture him but when he tries to rape Harmony she kills him. Anderson wants to rebuild the world and find a secret place where people have joined together. The duo hop on a motorcycle to try and find it. 

Along the way they meet a cannibal with a barn full of corpses and are hunted by his friends. There's also a plague spreading around. Harmony talks more about not being touched. Later they meet Orland (Aykut Duz) who travels by bicycle. When the pair are captured by Slater, Orland shows up with a flamethrower and he and Anderson beat up Slater's whole army while some “Greatest American Hero” music plays. They also get help from some hooded Ewok inspired characters. Sets up for a never made sequel. Filmed in Turkey and directed by Peter Maris.

Thanks for reading!

'80's Mutant

MUTANT HUNT-1987-In the NYC of the future a brother and sister are making cyborgs for the Inteltrax corporation run by Z (Bill Peterson) a nut who injects a line of them with drugs to make them have fun killing people. The sister Darla (Mary Fahey) escapes and hires a jerk named Riker (Rick Gianasi; later the lead in Troma's SGT. KABUKIMAN) to help them. His first scene has him fighting two cyborgs (who can stretch their arms like Reed Richards) in his underwear! Meanwhile Domino (Stormy Spill), a former Inteltrax employee has her own plot. The cyborgs are suppose to be unstoppable killers but everyone beats them up. Later Riker has to fight some super mutant that looks like Curly Howard! 

Director/writer Tim Kincaid shot this forgettable low budget Sci-Fi borefest back to back with his equally forgettable BREEDERS.

Thanks for reading!

LOL

BIG BAD BUGS!-2012-Amateurish badly acted and directed crap about giant insects invading Earth from another dimension. The SFX are terrible. I think it was a comedy but it was so bad it was hard to tell! This was directed by Peter Paul Basler who also made ICE: THE MOVIE.

Thanks for reading!

Corman Giant Size Monsters

DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR-2010-More made for TV giant reptilian junk courtesy of Roger Corman and the SyFy channel. A genetics lab working to grow bigger food sources is used by an evil industrialist Jason Drake (David Carradine; the only reason I checked this out) to create a giant crocodile and a giant alligator. A sheriff (John Callahan), his daughter deputy (Amy Holt), a hunter (Rib Hills) and an undercover FBI agent (James Burns) try to stop the scaly pair. Somehow the gang gets the two giganto-reptiles together and they fight each other until they are blown up. The fight is nothing but a computerized update of the famous overused stock footage from One Million Years BC. 

The director Jim Wynorski (under the pseudonym Rob Robertson) has been making mostly direct to video soft core nudie movie takeoffs (THE HILLS HAVE THIGHS, THE BREASTFORD WIVES) and cheesy giant reptile craziness under many fake names for years now and also co-wrote this using the name Jay Andrews (I don't really blame him...)

Thanks for reading!

Bad!

BAD LANDERS-1992-Horri-terrible (I couldn't decide which word described this movie better, so I combined them) science fiction space nonsense about a Mad Max wannabe named Blaine (James Phillips} involved with slave traders led by Broxton (Michael Foley) on the planet Annakin (!) while looking for an old man named Himshaw and a place called Cypress. Apparently at one time Himshaw was the king of Annakin but was banished by his evil brother Akira. After being drugged and tortured by Broxton Blaine is saved by Kabilya (Deborah Thompson-Carlin) and they escape together. They find Cypress destroyed but meet Himshaw (Jack Willcock). Nearly everyone is killed in the finale and when you think it's finally over there's one more stupid fight between Blaine and Broxton. 

A sneaky con-man in a suit and tie seems to be based on Curly Howard. Another cinematographer, this time Armand Gazarian tries his hand at directing and fails!