Alfred as a Scientist

 

 (imdb)

ISLAND OF LOST WOMEN-1959-Two pilots Mark Bradley (Jeff Richards) and Joe Walker (John Smith) have plane trouble enroute to Melbourne and are forced to land near a mysterious island where just before they crash a disembodied voice tells them to stay away. They are greeted by Dr. Paul Lujahn (Alan Napier; later Alfred in the Batman TV series) and his three beautiful daughters: Mercuria (June Blair), Venus (Venetia Stevenson) and Urana (Diane Jergens). They live in a cave with furniture, books and lighting. Lujahn was one of the scientists who help create the A-bomb and decided to get away from reality with his wife and kids. 

Unfortunately, his wife died. He's now invented a newer, quicker way to enrich uranium. Bradley wants to blab the doc's story to the whole world so Lujahn destroys their plane with a flame thrower pistol so they can't leave. The two older sisters help the guys build a raft. They become sweet on each other and Walker kills a shark. Things go awry when a fire breaks out and Walker is locked in a nearby room. Lujahn gets conked on the head but Walker is rescued just before a complete meltdown of the island. Needless to say, the atomic explosion gets the world's attention and they are saved. 

Crazy low-budget sci-fi romance from director Frank Tuttle (THIS GUN FOR HIRE (1942)) who's career went back to silent movies. He was blacklisted in the late '40's and struggled to get work, This was his last movie.

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Undercover

 

 (imdb)

BORDERLINE-1950-A woman cop, Madeline Haley (Clare Trevor) goes undercover to infiltrate the dope smuggling operation of Ritchie (Raymond Burr) and Deusik (Don Diamond). She winds up with Ritchie's rival drug runner Johnny (Fred MacMurray). They travel from Mexico to the US falling in love along the way. Surprise! Johnny is an undercover cop too! Roy Roberts is Johnny's gang boss. Morris Ankrum, Gregg Martel, Chris Pin-Martin and Charles Lane are in it too. 

Director William Seiter was more at home with comedy having made DIPLOMANIACS (1933) with Wheeler & Woolsey, SONS OF THE DESERT (1933) with Laurel & Hardy, ROOM SERVICE (1938) with The Marx Brothers and many others.

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Orlof (f)

 

THE AWFUL DR. ORLOF-1962-Jess Franco's famous horror opus about Dr. Orlof (Howard Vernon), a mad doctor in 1912 Paris trying to cure his daughter Melissa's (Diana Lorys) disfigurement. He is assisted by abused blind servant Morpho (Ricardo Valle)) who goes out at night and kidnaps females to fuel his boss's skin transplants. He likes to bite victims on the neck before taking them. Only Orlof's female servant Arne (Perla Christal) shows the guy any sympathy. After some experiments fail, Orlof notices a woman Wanda (also Lorys) who looks very much like his comatose daughter. She's the fiancé of Tanner (Conrado San Martin), the inspector who's investigating the disappearances! 

After Orlof kills Arne accidentally, he kidnaps Wanda (she'd been posing as a hooker) and takes her to his castle. But things go awry for the doc when Morpho discovers Arne's dead body. He kills Orlof and takes the unconscious Wanda for a stroll on top of the castle. Tanner and a drunk (and former suspect) save her. Morpho is killed and somehow Wanda who was up on the castle is suddenly on the ground embracing her husband to be. 

When WPIX in NYC showed this on TV in the early '70's, it was a kind of incoherent mess but since it's been restored, it's a nice mix of dark horror, medical experiments and Morpho! Orlof would return (usually played by Vernon) in several “sequels” by Franco.

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“What's a Vampire?”

 

 (imdb)

DRACULA 3000-2004-In the future when dope is legal and no one believes in God, Captain Abraham Van Helsing (Casper Van Diem) leads a salvage team (which includes Erika Eleniak, Coolio and Tiny Lister). There's also a whiny guy in a wheelchair who's like a cross between Eddie Deezen and Robbie Robertson. They investigate a 50 year old derelict space ship. Coolio turns into one of the worst vampires in vampire film history. Count Dracula is somehow on board. He's from planet Transylvania in the Carpathian solar system. 

Really! I didn't make it up! 

Udo Keir is also in it. 

Written and directed by Darrell Roodt (PREY (2007))

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Argento Againo

 

 (imdb)

TENEBRAE-(UNSANE)-1982-Peter Neal (Anthony Franciosa) is the bestselling author of the horror novel “Tenebrae”. After a shoplifter is killed and pages of the novel are found in her mouth, police suspect the killer is emulating murders in the book. More murders occur and the killer takes photographs of the mutilated victims and sends Neal weird notes. There's a lot of mumbo-jumbo dialogue on the psychology of Neal's writing and if it exploits women (the actual film seems to). A prissy book reviewer (John Steiner) gets an ax in the head. Neal's assistant Anna (Daria Nicolodi) thinks it's Neal's ex-wife. One woman escaping the killer, runs right into his hideout. She finds a lot of evidence but is killed in a long chase scene. Neal, Anna and go-fer Gianni (Christian Borromeo) investigate. Neal's manager, Bullmer (John Saxon) seems a likely suspect but he's killed in broad daylight. After Gianni is killed, the killer's identity is revealed. The killer fakes his death and kills a police detective. He goes after Anna but is impaled. 

This is another interesting psychological “giallo” from writer/director Dario Argento though I thought the outcome was guessable.

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Dreadful Things

 

 (imdb)

SOMETIMES AUNT MARTHA DOES DREADFUL THINGS-1971-This is the story of two guys, Paul (Abe Zwick in his only film) and Stanley (Scott Lawrence aka Wayne Crawford in his film debut). Stanley is a pot smoking dullard who killed an old lady. Paul is his accomplice who dresses in drag. They argue a lot like a demented psychotic version of “The Odd Couple”. When Paul brings home a woman and kills her, the film turns negative. Stan hangs out with some locals and two women dance topless until he tries to strangle them. Stanley's friend Hubert (Don Craig), a drug addict comes to live with them. When a pregnant neighbor dies, Stanley cuts her unborn baby out of her. Later they decide to leave the country and hold up in an abandoned movie studio where it's revealed Paul is the one doing all the killing. He stabs Stanley to death, then commits suicide. 

Director Brad Grinter is a police Lieutenant and Thomas Wood (aka Rooney Kerwin; from BLOOD FEAST 1963)) is a cop (and one of the grips). His brother Harry Kerwin was 2^nd unit director. Thomas Casey, who wrote and directed this strange movie, edited MONSTER A GO GO (1965) and wrote the screenplay for FLESH FEAST (1970).

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Not A Gas

 

 (amazon.com)

GASS-S-S-S-1970-A gas accidentally released kills anyone over 25! Coel (Robert Cuff, a very bad actor) is a dumb hippie who with his girlfriend Cilla (Elaine Giftos) roams the country meeting other freaks (portrayed by Ben Vereen, Bud Cort, Cindy Williams, Talia Shire, et. al.). Edgar Allan Poe rides around on a motorcycle and comments on the plot. Country Joe and The Fish make an appearance and provided the soundtrack. 

This was Roger Corman's last directorial effort for AIP and he said the studio cut the last scene where God appears. I'm not sure what the point of this movie is. Some kind of satire, maybe? The acting is terrible. It's been called Corman's most personal film. He should have kept it to himself. Screenwriter George Armitage later directed VIGILANTE FORCE (1976) and GROSSE POINTE BLANK (1997).

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No Fight

 

 (imdb)

LADY STREETFIGHTER-1980-This shit show starts off with a woman being tortured and killed. Then a woman named Linda (producer/screenwriter Renee Harmon) is set up to be a hit and run victim but she escapes. While talking to some asshole we learn the murdered woman was Linda's sister and she wants revenge on a gangster Max Diamond. Meanwhile, an FBI agent, Rick Pollard (Jody McCrea) watches a grotesque strip show featuring Liz Renay! At a party of criminals where men are dressed in togas, Linda walks on Diamond and whips him. Then she and Pollard have an affair. They have a fight on the beach and he knocks her out and a guy she thought was a friend turns out to be a hitman. Mindless junk directed by James Bryan (DON'T GO IN THE WOODS (1981)). He and lead actress Harmon later made THE RETURN OF LADY STREETFIGHTER (1990).

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Sho Shows Them

 

 (imdb)

PRAY FOR DEATH-1985-In Japan, a black clad ninja fights some other ninjas and a guy in a demon mask but it's just a TV show called “The Black Ninja” being watched by the two sons of Japanese businessman Akira Saito (Sho Kosugi) and his American wife. He wants to start his own local business but she wants to move to the US. Saito doesn't seem to know any martial arts and his kids urge him to learn Karate. However, when Saito encounters an old man (actually his adopted father) in a temple, they have a sword fight which disproves Saito's lack of fighting skills. A flashback shows he kind of killed his brother, a red ninja, because he is actually a former ninja himself! No sooner do they get to America and have problems. Sam Greene (Parley Baer) sells them a restaurant in a bad neighborhood. They ran afoul of gangsters looking for a priceless necklace who beat up Greene and kill him in a fire. The kids (Kosugi's real life sons, Kane and Shane) run into older bullies but beat them up. 

The stupid gangsters think Saito has the necklace so they kidnap his son Tomo for a Mafioso boss (Michael Constantine). He has a sadistic henchman named Limehouse (James Booth; also the screenwriter). Saito goes to the police but 2 corrupt officers block his progress. After his wife and other son wind up in the hospital, he invades a mob yacht and beats up a lot of white guys. Stupidly, Limehouse kills Mrs. Saito and Saito prepares for revenge. Even one son gets into the act with a supped-up bike. Saito invades the mob mansion. He cuts them all to ribbons but Limehouse lams it. The finale where Limehouse uses an ax and a chainsaw to try and kill Saito is great. Limehouse's demise literally has him praying for death. If they thought America was violent then, they should be around today! Also with Robert Ito.  

The acting is not so good but action-packed direction by Gordon Hessler (SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN (1970)) saves it. Star Kosugi was already pretty well known for his appearances in ENTER THE NINJA (1981) and its sequels and the short-lived TV series THE MASTER (1984) starring Lee Van Cleef. 

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Bad English Thing

 

 (imdb)

SPELLCASTER-1989-A bunch of dorks win a contest to the remote Diablo Castle for a treasure hunt hosted by skinny English VJ Rex (Richard Blade) and moronic English singer Cassandra Castle (Bunty Bailey). The first victim is a French woman killed by the chair she's sitting in. The drunken singer Castle is terrorized by a bunch of rotting corpses. A fat guy turns into a pig. A suit of armor comes to life. The VJ is killed by a winged monster. A female hunter is eaten by a dog. One woman meets Diablo (Adam Ant)), a sarcastic jerk with a crystal ball. In the end, when the crystal ball is destroyed, everyone comes back to life. Filmed in Rome by director Rafal Zielinski. Really bad

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Camping Massacre

 

 (imdb)

4/20 MASSACRE-2018-Two dweebs are searching for marijuana on government land. They find it but one of them seems to be killed by a monster. After the credits, 5 women go camping for one member's birthday. They are warned by Ranger Rick to stay clear of illegal pot farmers. The group meets the dweeb who didn't get killed before the credits. He gives them his stolen weed and after they leave, the monster disembowels him. Later they meet a redneck hunting rabbits. Later the monster (obviously someone in a costume) puts a lit joint in his eye. 

Meanwhile, the women drink and get high. The first camper to die has her bong shoved through her head. Two more are hacked to death. Of course, the ranger is in league with the monster. Jess, the last survivor and birthday girl, meets the rabbit hunter, now blind and he's killed helping her stab the monster. After she kills the ranger, she smokes a joint while a Rap song plays. 

The director/writer Dylan Reynolds is probably out there right now plotting more shitty movies.

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