“What's a Vampire?”

 

 (imdb)

DRACULA 3000-2004-In the future when dope is legal and no one believes in God, Captain Abraham Van Helsing (Casper Van Diem) leads a salvage team (which includes Erika Eleniak, Coolio and Tiny Lister). There's also a whiny guy in a wheelchair who's like a cross between Eddie Deezen and Robbie Robertson. They investigate a 50 year old derelict space ship. Coolio turns into one of the worst vampires in vampire film history. Count Dracula is somehow on board. He's from planet Transylvania in the Carpathian solar system. 

Really! I didn't make it up! 

Udo Keir is also in it. 

Written and directed by Darrell Roodt (PREY (2007))

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The Third Mother

MOTHER OF TEARS-THE THIRD MOTHER-2007-This very mean spirited movie from Dario Argento is the third part of his “3 Mothers” trilogy that started years ago with SUSPIRA and continued with INFERNO. This makes about as much sense as it predecessors but is ten times gorier.

One woman is disemboweled, strangled with her own intestines and then eaten. A creepy bald guy with a pet monkey tortures two lesbians in a very nasty scene.

When an ancient urn is opened at a Rome museum it unleashes Mater Larimore (The Third Mother) which unleashes a horde of murders, suicides, rapes and other violent acts. Asia Argento (not the best actress in the whole world but the director’s daughter) is the museum worker Sarah Mandy trying to figure it all out. Some weird women run around the city chasing her. Udo Keir (who was also in Rob Zombie’s HALLOWEEN remake the same year) plays a sickly priest with a courtyard full of exorcism cases who tries to explain things but suffers a bloody death. Daria Nicolodi (Asia’s real life mom and Dario’s wife) plays Sarah’s dead mother who tries to help from beyond the grave. It all has to do with the second coming of witches.

While the acting and dialogue are weak like the previous two entries it’s Argento’s directing style that really make the film. Too bad he went over the top with the violence and gore. Great soundtrack by Claudio Simonetti.

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