Mr. BIG's Pirates

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THE BOY AND THE PIRATES-1960-Jimmy (Charles Herbert), a little kid who likes pirates finds a bottle with a mini-genie (Joe Turkel) in it. Because of a wish he makes Jimmy winds up on “The Queen's Revenge”, a pirate ship ruled by the infamous Blackbeard (Murvyn Vye)) who makes Jimmy his cabin boy. He has to swab the deck, clean fish and get rum for the captain. After the pirates loot and kill on a Dutch ship Jimmy (who Blackbeard calls a “miserable cabin rat”) rescues Katrina (Susan Gordon), a girl about his age. Blackbeard wants to throw her overboard but Jimmy stands up for her. When the crew learn their captain is after some gold, Morgan (Timothy Carey) tries to burn out Jimmy's tongue. When a British ship attacks The Queens Revenge, Jimmy and Katrina escape to an island but Blackbeard follows them. Jimmy throws the genie bottle at the pirate and he winds up back home. 

Despite being aimed at kids there's long stretches of talk and blood and violence. 

This bizarre kiddie swashbuckling fantasy was the first color film for “Mr. BIG” himself Bert I. Gordon (still alive at the time of this writing). There are no giant monsters but it's definitely a low budget production with some mediocre SFX. This was the second of four appearances for Susan Gordon in her dad's movies. Star Charles Herbert was also a popular child star at the time having been in THE FLY and THE COLOSSUS OF NEW YORK and many TV shows. He was in William Castle's 13 GHOSTS the same year.

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Revenge

GIRLS AGAINST BOYS-2012-A college student Lulu (Nicole LaLiberte) is dropped by her older married lover. After partying at a club she's brutally raped by some jerk she met. The police are no help so she and her friend (Danielle Panabaker) find the guy, torture him and then kill him. They kidnap Lulu's ex-lover and kill him too. Later they talk and ride around while “Hurdy Gurdy Man” by Donovan plays. She meets a dorky DJ guy but her friend kills him so she kills her friend with a samurai sword. Later she goes to a club and meets a girl who's been dumped by her boyfriend..... It was directed by a guy named Austin Chick....

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Dragonball

DRAGONBALL-EVOLUTION-2009-Nerdy white kid Goku (Justin Chatwin) lives with his Asian grandpa and tries to fit in and avoid bullies. On his birthday gramps gives Goku a “dragonball”, one of only 7 in the world. The evil demon Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) wants all the dragon balls so he kills gramps and Goku begins a quest to find all the magical balls and get revenge. Yun-Chow Fat livens things up as the comical Roshi. There's weird metallic monsters, lots of CGI fights, too much talk, crazy dream sequences and Goku turning into a giant monster. Though this is based on a hugely popular anime (of which I know very little about) it seems more influenced by LORD OF THE RINGS and HARRY POTTER. 

Director James Wong made FINAL DESTINATION and THE ONE (with Jet Li) before this.

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Martial Art Monk

BULLETPROOF MONK-2003-In 1943 Tibet a monk with no name (Yun-Fat Chow) is given the task of protecting a sacred scroll that could grant anyone who reads it great power. The Nazis invade  their temple and kill everyone except the monk who falls off a cliff after being shot at. 60 years later, the monk hasn't aged much and lives above a movie theater (run by Mako) in Toronto. He saves a young girl named Jade (Jamie King) stuck on the subway tracks with the help of a stupid thief Kar (Seann William Scott) who steals the scroll. After saving Kar from a street gang the monk decides to take the thief (who learned martial arts from watching old Shaw Brothers movies) under his wing. Strucker, the German who shot at him in the temple (Karel Roden) is now old but head of a huge corporation searching for the scroll with the help of his grand-daughter in the hope of it making him young again. After being pursued and hiding out with some other monks, the monk trains the thief to kind of be his replacement. When the monk is captured, Kar and Jade team up to save him.

 Chow is great in the title role and the fights, especially in the climax are well done. It's just too bad the thief character wasn't more likable. Video music director Paul Hunter does an excellent job in his feature film debut, a feat many others have tried and failed miserably at.

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Atomic Drama

SPLIT SECOND-1953-Escaped killer Sam Hurly (Stephen McNally) holds a bunch of people hostage in a ghost town where the next day there is going to be an A-bomb test. Hostages include a reporter (Keith Andes), a dancer (Jan Sterling), a married woman (Alexis Smith) in Reno for a divorce and her boyfriend (Robert Paige). Hurly keeps them in line with the help of his mean, silent henchman Dummy (Frank DeKova). Somehow he blackmails the divorce woman's doctor/husband (Richard Egan) to come and tend his wounded partner (Paul Kelly). An old prospector (Arthur Hunnicutt) shows up midway through too. There's a lot of talk, soul searching and a fist fight during an operation. It ends with a mushroom cloud (but the good guys survive). 

Slightly far-fetched, SPLIT SECOND was the first directorial effort from actor Dick Powell who three years later would make the notoriously bad THE CONQUEROR which had some atomic bomb issues itself they say...

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You're In The Frankenarmy Now!

FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY-2013-Though a pretty terrible horror movie FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY may have done something no other movie could do. It makes the viewer feel sorry for Nazi Germany!

Sometime during World War 2 a group of stupid Russian soldiers are dispatch on mission to rescue captive Russian comrades. This event is also being filmed by another soldier on the orders of Joe Stalin himself. So of course this means more shaky found footage nonsense.

After acting like assholes the group arrives at the village to find it deserted except for many dead, mutilated and burnt bodies. Later they find a farmer who tells them about a doctor and after being tortured he agrees to lead them to their Russian POWs. But instead he takes them to some catacombs where they are attacked by incredibly strange creatures looking like a cross between HELLRAZOR'S Cenobites and Tim Burton's EDWARD SCISSORHANDS! Most of them have humanoid heads but razors and drills for hands. Nearly everyone is killed when the guy filming the whole thing reveals he is in fact a Russian captain and the mission about rescuing captive soldiers is false. Their real mission is to find the doctor and bring him back to Russia dead or alive. The 3 remaining soldiers eventually abandon the captain who after taking a taking a tour of the bloody goings on meets the mysterious doctor Viktor (Karel Roden; Rasputin in HELLBOY). He explains his mad methods and reveals that he is in fact descended from Dr. Frankenstein himself! He does brain operations on living subjects for the camera but seems ambivalent about joining up with Russia. When his experiment on one of the Russians doesn't seem to work he turns his sights on the captain but the Russian army begins bombing and the doctor decides to take off. However he is shot dead by Sasha (Luke Newbury) the only surviving trooper (who the rest of the company treated like shit) who takes the doctor's severed head and film camera back to Germany, leaving the captain's fate in the hands of his resurrected revengeful second in command (I guess the experiment did work)

The final scene shows a picture of Stalin and Sasha together.

Although this is suppose to take place during the 1940's the supposed found footage is very clear and in color (gee, like a real movie...). It's very bloody and some of the doctor's creations are weirdly imaginative but it's all very cartoonish and the finale almost seems like something out of MONTY PYTHON!

Director Richard Raaphorst made only short films before this. Let's hope he doesn't decide to do a sequel...like Dracula's Navy???

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ET Go Home

ATARI: GAME OVER-Nerds will love this documentary about the Atari video game adaptation of the hit movie E.T., sometimes dubbed “the worst video game ever”. It really tells the story/myth/urban legend that Atari dumped thousands of unwanted ET games into a landfill in Almagordo, New Mexico and the efforts of the dumps's “caretaker” as he tries to find them. It also covers games many pundits say were far worse and also spotlights the guy who created the game and how he was blamed for the downturn of Atari and its eventual demise. 

Director Zack Penn had made the great pseudo-documentary INCIDENT AT LOCH NESS and later gained fame writing big budgeted movies featuring Marvel superheroes.

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