Thursday, April 10, 2014

Various Junk

I watch a lot of movies I shouldn't bother writing about. Here are a few of them!

PINK KILLER was made in Hong Kong in 1996. It was hard to follow since there were no credits in English and the sub-titles were very hard to read. It's about a group of women who take revenge on various bad guys (wife beater, gangsters, etc.). There's a few shoot-outs and car chases and slo-mo action scenes and a lot of talk. Charlie Cho Cha-Lee (PLAIN JANE TO THE RESCUE, POLICE STORY 2) is in it. I've seen two different directors credited for it.....So I also watched SEATTLE SUPERSTORM (2012) and you can probably guess what that was about. Two soon to be married scientists (Esai Morales and Ona Grauer) bicker over their kids who argue over everything while trying to battle some kind of man made super storm that kind of looks like "the smoke monster" from TV's LOST. It's a triple threat of bad acting, talky script and topsy turvy direction (by Jason Bourque the Canadian director of the similar DARK STORM)...
In a similar stormy Canadian vein there's SPACE TWISTER (2011) about a school science project gone wrong. Electrical storms from outer space destroy NYC and Boston (well, a news report says it anyway) and much of the story revolves around the survival of some teens who are in detention. I didn't know anyone in it except Mitch Pileggi. The story is fairly predictable and boring but the SFX and acting this time out aren't bad. Director/co-writer Sheldon Wilson also made SNOWMAGEDDON. Warning: This movie is now known as MEGA-CYCLONE! I guess Canada can't stop making bad horror and science fiction movies! SWAMP DEVIL-(2008)-A woman (Cindy Sampson) goes looking for her estranged father (Bruce Dern) after she's told he's gone crazy and killed someone. The real culprit is a evil Ent like creature who can take human form and uses roots to kill its victims. It's pretty boring and talky.




And finally there's: PROMETHEUS-20I2-I'd rather watch Ed Wood Jr.'s BRIDE OF THE MONSTER backwards than have to had to sit through this pretentious, tedious, idiotic 2001 rip-off disaster. A spaceship from Earth arrives at a far distant planet (the crew is in suspended animation) where it seems humankind began. Charlize Theron is the tight ass commander. An android named David (Michael Fassbender)) takes care of them. They are looking for some very tall beings and you'll be looking for another movie while watching this!

Thanks for reading!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Your Kung-Fu's Good





















THE SHAOLIN AVENGERS-1976-This Hong Kong produced martial arts period piece is based on the legend of Shaolin martial artists Fong Si Yu (Alexander Fu Sheng) and Hu Wei Chien (Kuan-Chung Chi). In flashbacks Fong is violently (and comically) trained by his mother (!) who beats him with a bamboo stick and dunks him in a vat of wine. Parts of it are very funny (a scene with a matchmaker is hysterical) and the Fong character does a lot of dumb things but basically the story is serious and violent. Director Cheh Chang made nearly 100 martial art movies including the classic FIVE DEADLY VENOMS.

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Oblivious




SANDS OF OBLIVION (2007) is a pretty crappy TV movie that debuted on SYFY channel. It's actually based on a real event when Cecil B. DeMille finished making THE TEN COMMANDMENTS in 1923. The obsessed director had created a huge "city of the Pharaohs" in The Guadalupe desert around 170 miles north of L.A.  When filming was over he had the whole thing bulldozed and buried beneath the sand. Eventually artifacts began to appear and the place became known as "the lost city of DeMille". This boring production proposes that DeMille (played here briefly by THE SIMPSONS' Don Castellaneta) was a Mason and he buried some lost relic, (an "inverted pyramid) in the sands and some kind of jackal monster kills people.A giant cobra made of sand, an attack of locusts and a dune buggy car chase are the highlights and Academy Award winner George Kennedy has a small role as the guy kind of responsible for the mayhem. The initial plot is good but as usual it's undermined by bad acting, long stretches of talk and mediocre SFX. Director David Flores also made BOA VS. PYTHON and LAKE PLACID 2.

Two of the stars Adam Baldwin (as an archaeologist who overacts ("The Master has come for us!")) and  Morena Baccarin (as his ex-wife, also an archaeologist) had starred in the 2002 series FIREFLY. A TV actor Victor Webster is the hero who says things like "weapon up" and "walking meat puppet" and has to fight cardboard cut out ancient Egyptians!

Thanks for reading!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Massacre Mitchell Style




DUKE MITCHELL'S MASSACRE MAFIA STYLE-(aka THE EXECUTIONER)-1978-If you've ever seen the very bizarre BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA, you'll remember the comedy team of Mitchell & Petrillo who did a take-off on the the popular team of Martin & Lewis.

Well the Dean Martin clone of the duo Duke Mitchell produced, wrote and directed this THE GODFATHER rip-off but apparently he only had beer money to finance it. The acting, direction and editing are all terrible. Mitchell plays Mimi Micelli who narrates his story which begins in Sicily where he grows up after his father has been deported by the US. Mimi returns to the states later and hooks up with his old friend Jolly (Vic Caesar). They kidnap a mob boss Chucky Tripoli (Louis Zito) and hold him for ransom (they send his severed finger through the mail as proof). After crashing Chucky's son's wedding and he and Tripoli decide to team up. Mimi swears a lot, spouts racist slurs, smokes and kills with a shotgun. He forms The Sons of Sicily Defense League but their spokesman is shot dead on live TV. A gangster named Bones (Fred Otash) who's fed up with Mimi's antics beats him up and makes him go into the movie business! Mimi and Solly go to a black pimp called Super Spook (Jimmy Williams) to get some girls for their movie. After they insult him he says "you guys have been been watching too many Humphrey Bogart movies". (he's actually right in a way) When he declines their offer they crucify him on a church cross.

There's killing, some gore and an explosion at a funeral that kills all the mourners! Mimi's ridiculous speech at the end includes a swipe at THE GODFATHER movie and novel. His bloody death involves a shotgun hidden in a loaf of bread.

It's called LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON when the credits are shown at the end. Mitchell also wrote the movie and sings the end theme. He made one other movie GONE WITH THE POPE (which he started filming before MASSACRE) but died (in 1981) before it was finished. It was rescued from obscurity by Grindhouse Releasing (co-founder by Sage Stallone who died in 2012), Buck Flower (who has a very small role) was the only other cast member I knew.

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Kung-Fu!



HELL'S WIND STAFF-1979-A rapist has his eye gouged out. Then 2 guys fight over a chicken. Later a street performer trains 2 arrogant, stupid brothers Dragon (Hoi Mang) and Tiger (Yuen Man Meng). Four years later the one eyed guy seeks revenge on the teacher who took his eye. They have a fight but when it looks like the teacher is going to win, the one eyed guy's teacher interferes and the teacher and all his students are killed. All out fighting ensues as does atrocious dubbed dialogue. Dragon and Tiger hide an old man who knows "dragon fist"  style and he teaches it to them (then the movie seems to start over!). The duo really fuck up the one eyed guy and an excellent long out of control finale follows. This Hong Kong production was directed by Chin-Ku Lu who was also an actor.

Thanks for reading!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

D & D: Dumb and Depraved





DUNGEONS & DRAGONS:THE BOOK OF VILE DARKNESS-2012-A group of treasure hunters fight CGI dragons in this low budget fantasy which is actually the third entry in a D&D trilogy. The groups includes a young hero knight (but he's not much of a hero really), a guy with half a face and a long roving eye and the usual bitchy female warrior. They fight over a treasure and double cross each other. In the climax the hero is almost skinned alive to make a secret book. The acting and dialogue as usual are ridiculous. There are some cool looking knights in a forest and a lot of CGI. I suppose if you are a D & D fan you might like it. I've read this is better than the first two parts. I can't imagine how bad they must be. The director Gerry Lively also made DARKNESS FALLS.

Thanks for reading!