Japanese Spagetti Western

SUKIYAKI WESTERN DJANGO-2007-This strange movie is really too much for words! It's like a Italian "spaghetti western" but all the roles are played by Japanese who speak in English ("I don't want to run from the shit anymore") sometimes in weird voices. Everyone acts fairly crazed and there is a lot of bloody violence. But since this organized insanity was directed by Takashi Miike (ICHI THE KILLER, ZEBRAMAN) it is kind of understandable.

The basic plot is like it's Italian counterpart. A gunslinger (Hideaki Ito) gets in between two warring "clans" and plays both sides against the other to his own gain. But after that it's a very weird but well filmed gore fest with over the top acting, stunts and SFX.

A useless pre-credit sequence featuring Quentin Tarantino as a Clint Eastwood/Man with No Name character against a very phony background seems tacked on to interest Western audiences.

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Shark Shit

BLUE DEMON-2004-A husband and wife (Randall Batinkoff and Dedee Pfieffer) team of marine biologists are doing experiments with great white sharks. They are also going through a divorce in this stupid sci-fi horror movie that is either a very bad comedy spoof or a very unintentionally funny drama.

They get involved in a government operation called "blue demon" using genetically enhanced intelligent sharks. Jeff Fahey is a cardboard caricature of an army general and Danny Woodburn is their boss who provides the only entertaining highlight in this annoying junk from director Daniel Grodnik (making his film debut) which "borrows" heavily from JAWS, PIRANHA and any number of other shark related direct to video nonsense shown on the SYFY channel every month.

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No, It's Not!

EVERYTHING'S DUCKY-1961-Two dumb sailors (Mickey Rooney and Buddy Hackett) who are stationed in the desert are assigned the task of freeing the former pet duck of a deceased scientist. It turns out the duck can talk so they try to find a way to make money off it but this only leads to trouble when the duck (named Scuttlebutt) gets drunk! Scuttlebutt might also hold the secret to the dead doctor's missile experiments. The Navy wants to remove the duck's brain and the two spend the rest of the movie protecting him.

It's all pretty silly and a romantic sub-plot really slows things down. Perhaps Columbia Pictures thought they were creating a new Abbott & Costello but we don't even get Brown & Carney. Speaking of A & C, Gordon Jones (Mike The Cop on their TV show) has a supporting role as a superior officer. Roland Winters is their captain and Jackie Cooper has one scene as a psychiatrist. Also with Richard Deacon, singer Joanie Sommers (whose voice seems to be dubbed...??), Elizabeth Macrae and Alvy Moore.

It was the first full length feature for director Don Taylor after a lot of TV shows. Hackett and Rooney were teamed a year later in IT'S A MAD MAD MAD MAD WORLD. Of course years later Hackett portrayed Lou Costello in the terrible TV movie BUD AND LOU...

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Iron Ass

IRON MAN-2010-2-This film is the biggest joke of 2010! Iron Man is reduced to a clown in this talky nonsensical hit which is too long, over acted and just plain annoying. The first 30 minutes had me wondering if I was actually watching an Iron Man sequel or weird promotional short about Tony Stark.

Still in Academy Award nominated mode Mickey Rourke (with Russian accent) shows up as Whiplash, a revenge seeking super villain but the initial fight is him against an Iron Man-less Stark. Don Cheadle returns as Rhodey Rhodes and dons the War Machine armor to battle a drunk Iron Man in a lounge at the Stark Expo in Flushing Meadow Park. Samuel L. Jackson has a bigger role this time as Nick Fury who says witty things like "I've got my eye on you". Scarlett Johansson is the Black Widow (this is also unfortunately seems like a major introduction for a her character). Sam Rockwell is Justin Hammer, Stark's moronic villainous rival and Gary Shandling plays a senator who wants the Iron Man suit turned over to the evil US. Oh yeah, Gwyeth Paltrow is back as Pepper Potts who somehow becomes in charge of Stark Enterprises.

Later Whiplash programs War Machine to go after Iron Man and the all out climax begins when giant Transformer like robots are let loose. Director Jon Favreau (from Queens, NY) plays Happy Hogan. I hope he sticks to acting.

Also with John Slattery, Kate Mara, Leslie Bibb, Clark Gregg and the voice of Paul Bettany. Stan Lee has a cameo and there's a post credit scene relating to Thor.

I have to admit though Downey plays a great asshole

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Was The Book Better?

THE BOOK OF ELI-2010-In this strange big budget post-apocalyptic movie co-producer Denzel Washington is Eli, a violent loner trekking across the devastated US protecting a secret sacred book.

From what he says it seems to be....The Bible!

He kills a lot of scum with a sword, gun and bow and arrow and talks about "the war" and a "hole in the sky". He enters a town run by Carnegie (Gary Oldman) who controls the water supply and is searching for the book Eli is conveniently coveting. After more killing he leaves the town with Solara (Mila Kunis) with Carnegie in hot pursuit. Michael Gambon and Frances del la Tour play a helpful cannibal couple. It's well directed but the story drags despite the killings and the surprise conclusion isn't really worth the wait (although you do get Malcolm McDowell in an un-credited role!). Also with Jennifer Beals, Tom Waits and Ray Stevenson.

The directing brother team of Allen and Albert Hughes had previously made FROM HELL, DEAD PRESIDENTS and MENACE II SOCIETY.

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What A Town!

THE TOWN-2010-It's hard for me to believe this preposterous, clichéd talkfest was actually on a lot of critics top ten list.

Apparently a suburb of Boston called Charlestown has produced loads of armed bank robbers. This is a story about some of them (it's based on a novel "Prince of Thieves"). Co-scripter/director/star Ben Affleck is Doug MacRay, a career thief who with his dirt bag buddies rob a bank. They take the female bank manager (Rebecca Hall) hostage. Later after letting her go they discover she lives right near them and could cause problems later so Doug is dispatched to so something about it. He winds up falling in love with her and blah, blah, blah. Pete Postlethwaite is good as the florist who backs all the robberies and Chris Cooper has one scene as MacRay's father. Also with Jon Hamm, Blake Lively and Titus Welliver. This also has to have one of the nuttiest disclaimers I've ever seen:

"Charlestown's reputation as a breeding ground for armed robbers
is authentic. However, this film all but ignores the great majority
of the residents of Charlestown, past and present, who are the
same good and true people found most anywhere. This film is dedicated to them."

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Johnny & Ronny

FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE!-1961-Before he became "the man in black" and a country-western superstar, Johnny Cash made his film debut in this low budget melodrama. He plays psycho cop killer Johnny Cabot who is hired by a greasy hood (Vic Tayback, who narrates the tale) who hatches a plot to rob a bank by having the wife (Cay Forrester) of a bank VP (Donald Woods) held hostage in her home by Cabot. With this threat the VP is forced to hand over $70,000. The couple has martial problems (he wants to leave his wife for another woman) and their young son is played by future Academy Award winning director Ronny Howard (already a regular on TV's THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW). Cash is demented and sadistic while holding the wife hostage but does manager to croon the title theme once in a while.

Another country-western star Merle Travis (who co-wrote the theme with Cash) appears as Tayback's flunky. It's a weird little film with a interesting, funny climax involving Howard's character and a gabby neighbor (Pamela Mason). Director Bill Karn also made MA BARKER'S KILLER BROOD. Also called DOOR TO DOOR MANIAC.

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Just In Time For Mother's Day!

THE BIG CUBE-1969-Stage actress Adriana Roman (Lana Turner) retires from acting to marry rich widower Charles Winthrop (Dan O’Herlihy) whose daughter Lisa (Karin Mossberg) has mixed feelings about it. Her friends are a bunch of psychedelic mod hippies who like to hang out at clubs, say weird things and experiment with acid. Her gold digging boyfriend Johnny (George Chakiris from WEST SIDE STORY) is thrown out of his college for making LSD in his lab. When Dad breaks up a party where a dancer (Pamela Mason) does a striptease Lisa blames her step-mom (who in actuality is her real mom). When Dad gets lost at sea Mom inherits his estate and the right to choose who their daughter should marry. Naturally she sees through Johnny boy and will not give her consent. After sex Johnny convinces Lisa that mom actually killed dear old dad. They spike her pills with LSD and she becomes a paranoid nut who’s colorful “trips” are pretty wild. She's committed to a sanitarium and Lisa marries Johnny. After Lisa realizes Johnny’s a dirt bag she helps Adriana’s manager (Richard Egan) bring her out of her funk by having her star in a play he wrote that relates her trouble! Johnny winds up having a pretty bad acid trip of his own.

Shot in Acapulco by director Tito Davidson.

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Japanese Ghost

THE OIWA PHANTOM-(aka THE GHOST OF YATSUYA)-1969-Great overlooked Japanese ghost story from Daiei. A master-less samurai named Iyemon (Kei Sato) schemes to make his life easier through marriage. He and his dubious friend Yomoshichi commit several murders but Iyemon winds up with a Oiwa, a wife he really doesn't want. Eventually he poisons her and she dies painfully (and it's quite sad to watch) but she wastes no time coming back to terrorize him. The special effects and direction are eerie and great.

Director Kazuo Mori also made THE RETURN OF DAIMAJIN and "Zatoichi" films.

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Hell!

THE SINNERS OF HELL (aka JINOGU; HELL)-1960- A young student Shiro is out driving with his very evil friend Tamura when they kill a drunk Yakuza member in a hit and run. The victim's mother and girlfriend vow revenge but even without their interference Shiro begins to see his life deteriorate little by little. There's a lot of talk until Shiro (and the rest of the characters) goes to hell and meets Enma, The King of Hell! There he gets a tour where he finds out everyone he knew are not want they seem to be and get punished for their Earthly sins in incredible early gore scenes. A negligent doctor is sawed into pieces, a corrupt police man has his hands cut off, another "sinner" is flayed alive, there's a river of blood and a burning wheel. The bizarre lighting, colors and symbolism make me believe Coffin Joe saw this before making any of his own. "Hell! This is hell!".

Director Nobuo Nakagawa scores with this one!

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