Ava

 

 (wikipedia)

EX MACHINA-2014-Computer nerd Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson) meets some jerky scientist Nathan (Oscar Isaac) at his secluded lab where he's invented a computerized female robot named Ava (Alicia Vikander). He wants Caleb to administer "The Turing Test"on Ava to see if she is as smart as a human being. 

This independently made psychological sci-fi drama was a big box office and critical success even picking up some Academy Award noms but for me personally it's a sleep inducer with quirky annoying acting and dialog. Interesting finale and good use of sfx and sound though some of the original music sounds like it came from a Lucio Fulci movie. 

Personally I'd rather watch DEMON SEED. Writer/director Alex Garland wrote 28 DAYS LATER...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turing_test

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Dragonball

DRAGONBALL-EVOLUTION-2009-Nerdy white kid Goku (Justin Chatwin) lives with his Asian grandpa and tries to fit in and avoid bullies. On his birthday gramps gives Goku a “dragonball”, one of only 7 in the world. The evil demon Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) wants all the dragon balls so he kills gramps and Goku begins a quest to find all the magical balls and get revenge. Yun-Chow Fat livens things up as the comical Roshi. There's weird metallic monsters, lots of CGI fights, too much talk, crazy dream sequences and Goku turning into a giant monster. Though this is based on a hugely popular anime (of which I know very little about) it seems more influenced by LORD OF THE RINGS and HARRY POTTER. 

Director James Wong made FINAL DESTINATION and THE ONE (with Jet Li) before this.

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It Had To Be Told?

DRACULA UNTOLD-2014-After an encounter with a vampire in a cave, Vlad The Impaler Jr.(Luke Evans) reigns over his peaceful kingdom until the Turkish sultan demands 100 boys for his army (Vlad's dad had handed him over to the Turks in a compromise when he was young). In a new compromise the sultan makes Vlad his new chief but forces him to hand over his son Vlad 3. Instead dad kills the party that comes to get his son. To save his kingdom Vlad drinks the blood of the cave vampire (Charles Dance) and receives great power (and great night vision) and defeats the Turkish horde all by himself (some bats help too). However he is told if he can go for three days without drinking blood he will return to normal, otherwise more blood drinking will cause him to remain a vampire forever. Despite his best efforts, when his wife dies and his son is taken prisoner he drinks his wife's blood and becomes a full fledged vampire. He turns some friends into vampires too and they destroy The Turks. Later they all stand in the sun and die. In the modern day Vlad is still alive for some reason and seems to meet his long lost lover but the cave vampire is there as well. 

Yeah, like there was going to be a sequel to this routine bloody ridiculous CGI laden horror....

The director Irish born Gary Shore had previously done corporation shorts.

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Calling Lou Ferrigno!

THE LEGEND OF HERCULES-2014-In this CGI laden fantasy that looks more like a video game, Hera allows a woman to bear Zeus's song. 20 years later, the son named Hercules (Kellan Lutz) is in love with the Princess of Crete (Gaia Weiss; later in the TV series VIKINGS) but his jealous half brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) gets in the way. When Herc kills a lion with his bare hands Iphicles takes the credit. After Herc is sold into slavery he has to fight a guy who looks like a muscle bound version of the lead singer from “Fishbone”. The fights are comical and Lutz could certainly go down in film history as the most un-Hercules of any Hercules ever portrayed on film! Renowned hack Renny Harkin should find another job he's better suited for.

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Were-Dogs?

BATTLEDOGS-2013-There's a CGI werewolf outbreak in NYC. People infected are quarantined in a place that looks like Grand Central Station overseen by a jerk-ass army general (Dennis Haysbert). Army doctor Hoffman (Greg Sheffer from NIGHTBREED) is brought in and gets too close to the truth (government conspiracy) so the army sends a werewolf to kill him. Later Patient O escapes the camp and heads to a place that's suppose to be Central Park. It seems O is carrying a bone in his arm that contains an antidote. When all the wolves escape and invade Manhattan the bad black mean looking president (Bill Duke) orders air strikes on all the city's bridges. A car chase was actually filmed in Flushing Meadow Park, not too far from where I live! 

Wes Studi is a mean colonel and Ernie Hudson as a security expert gives a better performance than this THE HULK/THE HOWLING inspired nonsense from The Asylum warrants. Director Alexander Yellen was a cinematographer on stuff like MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS so you've been warned.

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I Got Sea Sick

SEA BEAST-2008- The skipper of a fishing boat (Corin Nemec) teams with a female biologist (Camille Sullivan) to battle a strange sea creature that paralyzes its victims then eats them alive. Meanwhile his daughter (Miriam McDonald) and his first mate (Daniel Wisler) are terrorized by the creatures' babies on a nearby island. The obviously CGI created monsters have very long tongues and there's some graphic violence but a mundane and derivative movie like this always poses the question "why was this made at all?".

Director Paul Ziller has been around for a while (BACK IN ACTION, SNAKEHEAD TERROR) so you'd think he's know better!

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Chupastupid

CHUPACABRA VS. THE ALAMO-2013-This is by far the worst "made for TV/direct to DVD"  atrocities I have seen in recent memory.

It's about a pack of chupacabras who come across the border from Mexico to eat victims. The plot is fairly routine and predictable but this nonsense is made even more pathetic and overbearing because it stars Erik Estrada who at one time in decade called the '70's starred in the now forgotten TV show "CHiPs". His performance is worst than terrible even for such low budget trash. He plays a San Antonio narc named Carlos. He has a new female partner (Julia Benson) who he eventually works with to hunt down the little vicious buggers and protect his stupid daughter and drug gang member son. Since his superiors won't  help him he has to enlist his son's gang to help destroy the famous monsters. Somehow they wind up at The Alamo and blow it up!

The CGI doggie like Chupacabras  are horrible. I'd rather watch and THE KILLER SHREWS! Director Terry Ingram made other movies I never heard of and worked on TV (R.L. STINE'S THE HAUNTING HOUR).

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Sandy Stuff

SAND SERPENTS-2009-A small band of US soldiers fighting The Taliban in The Middle East are taken hostage but they escape after the captors seem to be wiped out mysteriously. They are almost rescued but a giant sand worm wrecks their helicopter. They hot wire an abandoned truck but promptly get into an accident with some locals being forced by The Taliban to make bombs. The characters do a lot of stupid things, argue, complain and then get killed. If these idiots are based on real life soldiers our country is doomed. The ending surprised me a little though. TV actors Jason Gedrick and Tamara Hope star. Director Jeff Renfroe recently filmed a biography of Steve McQueen.

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Frankenstupid

I, FRANKENSTEIN-2004-The Frankenstein monster (Aaron Eckhardt;THE BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES) finds his creator at the North Pole frozen to death. While burying Victor he's attacked by some demons but saved by some gargoyles when they come to life. He's later take prisoner by other demons led by Lenore, queen of the gargoyles (Miranda Otto). The Monster renamed Adam gets caught in between an ages long demon war. In modern times Adam comes up against Naberious (Bill Nighy), a mad scientist-demon who wants to create an army of monsters using Victor's journal. Yvonne Strahovski is a scientist who wants to examine Adam.

This box office bomb written and directed by Stuart Beattie (screenwriter of 30 DAYS OF NIGHT) seems like it wanted to start a series of movies but it's mostly talk wrapped around the usual CGI SFX that dominate most horror and fantasy films.

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D & D: Dumb and Depraved

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS:THE BOOK OF VILE DARKNESS-2012-A group of treasure hunters fight CGI dragons in this low budget fantasy which is actually the third entry in a D&D trilogy. The groups includes a young hero knight (but he's not much of a hero really), a guy with half a face and a long roving eye and the usual bitchy female warrior. They fight over a treasure and double cross each other. In the climax the hero is almost skinned alive to make a secret book. The acting and dialogue as usual are ridiculous. There are some cool looking knights in a forest and a lot of CGI. I suppose if you are a D & D fan you might like it. I've read this is better than the first two parts. I can't imagine how bad they must be. The director Gerry Lively also made DARKNESS FALLS.

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Dragon

DRAGON EYES-2012-In the urban hell of a place called St. Jude, African-American and Hispanic gangs fight each other over drugs. Enter Hong (MMA fighter Cung Le also one of the producers), mysterious master martial artist haunted by his past. When he was in jail he was mentored by Tiano (Jean Claude Van Damme). After he starts trouble with the gangs he comes to the attention of MIster V. (Peter Weller, kind of stealing the show) the corrupt, cigar smoking dandy of a chief of police. Hong tries to clean up the neighborhood and give hope to its residents. He impresses Mr. V. and for a while works as his thug. But Hong has other plans. Including bringing down V. despite nearly being beaten to death (by another MMA fighter Dan Henderson).  Tiano appears in flashbacks relating his philosophy and in a flashback inside a flashback kills his own son.

The violent story is ok and Le isn't bad (but if he's to be judged by Van Damme's acting talents that's not saying much...) but the real drawbacks are John Hyams' pretentious direction, CGI enhanced fighting and a bring down ending. Van Damme's real son Kristopher Van Varenberg also appears as a corrupt police sergeant. A couple of other real fighters also appear. The director made two "Universal Soldier" entries both with Van Damme. Filmed in Louisana.

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Subway Horror

STAG NIGHT-2008-According to this nonsense 100,000 people go missing in NYC every year and no one looks for them. Maybe they are looking in the wrong place as this cannibal horror movie was filmed Sofia, Bulgaria!

Four blockheads having a bachelor party encounter 2 women on a subway. After one of the women maces one of the guys they are let off at an abandoned station. Most of them walk around endlessly and insult each other but two of them stay behind to have sex and the guy gets bitten by a homeless person. They all wind up being terrorized and killed by underground cannibal maniacs who cut up body parts and feed them to their dogs. There's dismemberment, be-headings, maulings, the usual CGI gore and enough shaky camera work to send anyone running for the Excedrin bottle.

The filmmakers obviously had no idea how the NYC subway system operates (or what it looks like) and this makes the story even more idiotic. It reminded me of the English '70's film DEATHLINE (aka RAW MEAT). This was the first movie directed by Peter A. Dowling. Warning: He's working on another!

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Why????

PIRANHA-2010-This useless remake (I think parts of it were suppose to be comical) takes the scary but fun original premise and turns it into a CGI driven bore-fest. Elizabeth Shue and Ving Rhames are law officers investigating some deaths during Spring Break. It seems the fish are of a  prehistoric variety that somehow survived and are very hungry. They look like something from the old "Diver Dan" kid's TV show! Like most horror movies today it's just a mean spirited excuse to spotlight grotesque SFX and unlikable overacting characters. Christopher Lloyd as a fish expert provides the only highlight. Jerry O'Connell is shredded from the waist down but keeps on emoting. One character manages to hold off the deadly fishies with a frying pan! The quick comic final scene is good though. 

Over arty direction is by Alexandre Aja (THE HILLS HAVE EYES remake) who seems to have confused Spielberg with Corman and features Richard Dreyfuss as pre-credit scene as a victim. 

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It's A Battle To Stay Interested!

BATTLE LOS ANGELES-2011-Moronic STARSHIP TROOPERS/WAR OF THE WORLDS knockoff from Jonathan Liebesman, director of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING and WRATH OF THE TITANS.

In the violent, predicable story, aliens invade Los Angeles and The Marines are called in to evacuate the place.  Aaron Eckhardt (he was in OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN soon after this) is a Staff Sgt. who's resignation is postponed because  he's needed to fight the invaders. This causes much friction and "butting of heads". So of course there's a lot of talking, yelling and arguing and it seems to go on forever. Characters say: "God dammit" a lot. It's a little different to see Marines defending the Earth rather than some galactic space patrol but it seems most of them are assholes deliberately sent to their doom.The aliens are big "transformer" like machines. Much of the story is told by (very well done) CNN newscasts. Michelle Rodriguez and singer Ne-Yo are also in it.

There are rumors circulating of a sequel. Liebesman was working on the next "Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtles" movie at the time of this writing.

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Flee When Flu Flies

 FLU BIRD HORROR-2008-A group of juvenile delinquents out int the woods are terrorized by giant birds infected by some new type of avian flu. After their counselor is killed, an idiot named Johnson (Jonathan Trent) puts himself in charge because he has a gun. They hide in an underground tunnel and debate whether they should kill their whimpering wounded comrade (he gets eaten later anyway). TV actor Lance Guest is Garrett, a ranger who tries to help them while arguing with his former girlfriend Dr. Hale (Clare Carey; a regular on TV's JERICHO around this time). Later Homeland Security gets involved. 

There's lots of bloody SFX but the acting is terrible and so is the script. Sarah Butler who plays the caring delinquent Eva starred in the 2010 remake of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE.  Director Leigh Scott made other dreck including HILLSIDE CANNIBALS.

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Zzzzzzz...Zombies!

APOCALYPSE Z-2013-This is an exceptionally bad zombie film originally called "Zombie Massacre" but probably changed when WORLD WAR Z was released. The evil United States needs to destroy a chemical plant they were using illegally anyway in Europe that has produced a horde of ugly zombies. They send a team of merecenaries to plant a bomb. An American G.I. (Christian Boevig), a Scottish soldier of fortune (Mike Mitchell),  a samurai woman (Tara Cardinal) and a sniper (Daniel Vivian) who looks like a homeless man. After killing loads of zombies, the group now down to 3 after the sniper is killed meets Sam (Ivy Corbin)) the daughter of the doctor who created the whole thing, although he was "trying to save lives", it was our evil government that wanted to abuse it. Later a mutant zombie shows up.

Most of the bad Americans have English or European accents and Z's producer Uwe Boll, the hack director of  HOUSE OF THE DEAD and the BLOODRAYNE series plays German accented president of the US! (Maybe the old boy hasn't gotten over his ancestors being whipped by America in WW2....????) This seems influenced by Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD and the low budget nonsense of Andreas Schnaas. And it took two directors to make it!

Once again, thank to my pal Tony for getting me this (I think...lol....)

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Wong!

PLASTIC CITY-2008-I'd watch anything with Anthony Wong in it but this Brazil/Hong Kong/Japan co-production was a disappointment.

Yuda (Anthony Wong Chau-Sang) is a  Chinese mobster working as a smuggler in Sao Paulo. His adopted son Kirin (Jo Odagiri), who he found in the jungle runs their street operation. After years of building up their bloody empire Yuda grows weary of it when it starts to crumble. Nelson Yu Lik Wai 's direction is excellent but the story is confused and not that interesting. The best scene is a CGI laden dreamlike street fight.

Wong was in THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR the same year.

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Stan Lee Has a Cameo!

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN-2012-Hollywood couldn't stop when they were ahead could they? I'll say Sam Raimi's 2004 version wasn't perfect but he did a good adaptation. Why not 10 years later did they have to "re-invent" the whole thing over again?? The makers of this could have cut to the chase at least and just included a brief introduction on how the old web-head came to be but no they had to start all over again although the origins are basically the same. This time however nerdy science brain photograph taking Peter Parker has a mysterious missing father (Campbell Scott) who was once friends with the one armed Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans) now head of a technology corporation working with spiders. Flash Thompson is still the dumb muscled bully but when Peter after gaining his super powers humiliates him in front of the whole gym it's Peter who gets in trouble and receives a stern lecture from his doomed Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen). Hey! Someone has to defend bullies, right?

But in fact Peter is kind of a fuck up, acting very dysfunctional and even forgetting to do things for his devoted Aunt May (Sally Field). Later Peter strikes up a relationship with Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) who's father (Dennis Leary, Dennis Leary? Really? At least THE DARK KNIGHT had Gary Oldman) of course is the police captain trying to arrest the crime-fighter. Andrew Garfield is a total failure in the title role who instead of being the wisecracking hero is more like a smug bully himself. Connors later turns himself into The Lizard but of course instead of a being a lizard man it's a huge mutated CGI monster. The stupidest part is how The Lizard finds out Peter secret ID. After one of their encounters he finds a camera stamped "property of Peter Parker"!

Director Marc Webb (who also made the romance  (500) OF SUMMER) should stick to making Jesse McCartney videos. Unfortunately this was a hit and Part 2 is in post-production at the time of this writing. Too bad no one told him the phrase: "With great power comes great responsibility"....

Sorry for the rant...thanks for reading!

Dead On Release

D.O.A.: DEAD OR ALIVE-2006-This martial arts fantasy comedy drama is based on a popular video game. It's about a bunch of dorks who are invited to a martial arts tournament (D.O.A.). The three main characters are female: a pro-wrestler (Jamie Pressly), an assassin (Holly Valance) and a princess (Devon Aoki) who's looking for her brother (Collin Chou), said to have been killed in the last D.O.A. The guy who runs the thing is played by Eric Roberts. There's a lot of swordplay and fights using CGI and “Jet Li wires”. (The director Corey Yuen made several movies with Li) Kane Kosugi plays a friend of the princess and pro-wrestler Kevin Nash is in it. There's a lot of smart ass jokes and dialogue and most of the men getting beat up by the women. Robin Shou from the MORTAL KOMBAT movies appears briefly as a pirate. 

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Who Could Forget?

BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES-2011-I'm sure everyone remembers learning in school about the time in 1942 when the US Air Force engaged in a fight with UFOs over L.A.? 

No? Well according to this crappy Asylum production, it did happen and 70 years later the merciless aliens have returned. A pilot (Dylan Vox) who took off on the original mission shows up after being held captive for many years. A small group of soldiers must bring him safely to a certain sector. After their commander is killed a young lieutenant (Kel Martin) takes over and besides protecting the pilot must battle the metal aliens who can turn their enemy's attack back on them. He also takes time to argue a lot with his second in command (Gerald Webb). Theresa June Tao (who's terrible) is a modern-day pilot and Nia Peeples is a captain who uses a sword to kill the aliens even though machine guns and missiles can't dent them. After it's revealed the pilot is an alien too it becomes a mash up of ALIEN, BATTLE LOS ANGELES, INDEPENDENCE DAY and a hundred other video only Sci-Fi themed time wasters. This ridiculous nonsense also features horrible CGI SFX. 

Writer/director Mark Adkins made lots of junk like this. Much of it appearing on the SyFy channel (as BATTLE OF LOS ANGELES did). 

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