New Earth? Why Bother?

SPACEFIGHT IC-1: AN ADVENTURE IN SPACE-1965-A group of space travelers (with kids) are flying toward some Earth like new planet cleverly dubbed “new Earth”. They are lead by a grumpy American Captain Mead Ralston (American actor Bill Williams; everyone else is English which figures since this is a British production). He’s pretty dictatorial and seems also to be a fascist but part of his problem could be that he can’t get his wife pregnant. When one of the female crew is diagnosed with cancer he refuses to turn back and return to “old Earth” to save her life. When the wife kills herself, the remaining morons mutiny. They lock Mead up but he escapes and gets his command back by threatening to blow up the ship. One traveler in suspended animation gets out and walks around zombie like. He ties up the loose ends by murdering the captain. The most unusual crew member is former human doctor now a super computer severed head! A weird part of the story is that Ralston keeps talking about how the crew was “hand picked” to succeed yet everyone is complaining, belligerent and totally unprepared for any problem.

The plot has some merit I guess but this cheap British made Sci-Fi tale is just plain idiotic. One of the kids is played by pre-OLIVER Mark Lester. Director Bernard Knowles did a lot of British TV but two years later would co-direct The Beatles MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR (which was originally made for TV). Canadian screenwriter Harry Spalding wrote THE DAY MARS INVADED EARTH, CURSE OF THE FLY and later the Disney flop WATCHER IN THE WOODS and other things.

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Merry Christmas again!

A VISIT TO SANTA-(1963)-This is bizarre! A brother and sister write Santa a letter and he decides to let them come and visit. He has an elf (a little kid) pick them up in his magic helicopter (we never see it!). Santa sits in a recliner chair in what looks like an ordinary living room (probably the producer’s). The rest of the film is a scenes of some Christmas parades and a Christmas village (filmed in Pittsburgh I’ve read) with some weird narration. After showing the kids dolls and trains and other toys at the end Mr. Claus reminds them the true meaning of Christmas is to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ "hundreds of years ago”. Amazing!

Merry Christmas!

SANTA’S SLAY-2005-This stupid violent horror film features retired pro wrestler Bill Goldberg as an ancient evil St. Nick who comes back to kill idiots. A clever part has a flashback to his origins done in Rankin-Bass like animation. The opening scene has him killing a moronic family featuring James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan and Rebecca Gayheart. In the main story, a teenager (Douglas Smith) and his girlfriend (LOST’s Emile de Ravin) try to convince the residents of their town (called Hell) that an evil Claus is on the loose. Robert Culp (in one of his last roles) is the teen’s eccentric grandfather who knows all about the legend (originally Santa was evil but he lost a bet with God and had to become good for 1000 years…). Parts of it are pretty funny but much of it is just Santa killing various townspeople in gory and unusual ways however Goldberg is very good in the funny sinister role (“Just trying to spread a little Christmas fear!”)! Saul Rubinek plays a deli owner killed by Menorah and Dave Thomas is a hypocritical minister. Another ex-wrester, Tiny Lister has a small role. The director David Steiman had been an assistant director on a few films before making this.

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The Curse of Craven

CURSED-2005-Film auteur/hack Wes Craven returns (who told him to come back?) with this too much talk, clichéd, done it all before nonsense. A nerd (Jesse Eisenberg) believes he and his sister Ellie (Christina Ricci) have become werewolves. Joshua Jackson is Ellie’s boyfriend who may also be a wolf person. The wolf SFX aren’t that great and the mix of humor and violence doesn’t work. I wish Craven would learn how to make a good horror film or at least retire! 

Screenwriter Kevin Williamson wrote all 3 SCREAM movies (a fourth one is in production at the time of this writing). Also with Portia Del Rossi and the band Bowling For Soup in one scene. Craven made this between SCREAM 3 and REDEYE.

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Shiver Me Timbers! I'll Keelhaul Ya All!

BLACKBEARD THE PIRATE-1952-Avast ye scurvy dogs! Raoul Walsh, veteran director of Hollywood classics such as WHITE HEAT and LITTLE CEASER made this Technicolor swashbuckling pirate tale, full of comedic scenes, funny dialogue, broad acting and action but it really would be kind of routine if not for Robert Newton's over the top performance in the title role. He's the perfect pirate with his constant shouts of "Arrrrgh" and wisecracks.

As Blackbeard he kidnaps the supposed mistress (Linda Darnell) of a reformed pirate Henry Morgan (Torin Thatcher). Keith Andes is a doctor/spy trying to get the goods on Morgan. William Bendix is Blackbeard's (intentionally funny?) first mate Whorley and creepy Skelton Knaggs is another pirate. When the crew plan to bury a dead mate at sea Bendix says "For distance this time".

Irene Ryan (future granny on TV's THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES) is Darnell's boozy lady in waiting. Richard Egan is another "phony" pirate who helps Andes. Though Blackbeard talks crazy he always seems to get the drop on everyone but is undone by his own treachery when he tries to keep some hidden treasure for himself. There's a few lapses in plot especially when Andes character is whipped, has salt thrown on his wounds and is whipped again. Yet in the next scene he's feeling no ill effects. There's a lot of witty dialogue in between the romance. Blackbeard: "I be fishing for a rat". Whorley: Why? Are you hungry?". Usually tough guy Dick Wessell plays a Mexican pirate! Anthony Curuso is a pirate too.

Newton is kind of forgotten today despite having gained fame in the US playing another famous pirate Long John Silver on TV.

The same year as BLACKBEARD he played Javert in Lewis Milestone's version of LES MISERABLES. He had played Bill Sykes in the 1948 version of OLIVER TWIST. His early death at 50 in 1956 has been attributed to alcoholism.

Bendix was in A GIRL IN EVERY PORT with Groucho Marx the same year.

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Talking Chimp

CARNIVAL MAGIC-1981-In this low budget family oriented film a struggling carnival is given new life when their main attraction becomes magician Markov the Magnificent (Don Stewart) and his talking chimp named Alex (played by Trudi the chimp). All goes well until a jealous lion tamer sells Alex to a doctor who wants to dissect him! All the circus rubes get together to rescue him. The chimp (who grumbles more than talks but considering the low budget that's about all they could do) drives a car. There's some romantic sub-plots but the acting and script are below average. It was filmed in North and South Carolina.

This was one of the last films directed by Al Adamson (who was killed in 1995) and features his real life wife Regina Carroll (about the only "name" in the cast) in her last role (she died in 1992). I don't think it has ever been released on VHS or DVD making it one of Adamson's least seen films but once again TCM came through and showed at 2 am one night! Adamson made his last film LOST 2 years later.

It ends with the promise of MORE CARNIVAL MAGIC but alas it was never to be...

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Living TV

THE TWONKY-1953-While his wife is away philosophy teacher Carey West (Hans Conried) sees his life turned upside down by his new TV set. It starts off by lighting his pipe and cigarettes and eventually gets him involved with The US Treasury! It walks around his house and cleans up, opens coke bottles and even gives him a shave and shines his shoes, eventually running (and ruining) his whole life. The weird and kind of annoying college football coach (William H. Lynn) tries to help out and the TV (now dubbed Twonky) hypnotizes them.

Writer/producer/director Arch Oboler was behind THE TWONKY. He was best known for creating the radio series “Lights Out!” and made around a dozen movies between 1945-1972 including the post nuclear war themed FIVE and BWANA DEVIL (the first feature length 3-D movie).

Although this comedy/satire seems ripe for cult status I was disappointed. It’s dated and not very well made and the acting is pretty bland despite Conried in the lead. He’d star in another cult classic the same year though, THE 5000 FINGERS OF DR. T.

RIP-Irene Kaelin-1921-2010