Home? I Have No Home…

 (imdb)

 

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER-1955- Mad scientist Dr. Eric Vornoff (Bela Lugosi) is so far unsuccessful in his attempts to create a race of atomic superman. In his cheapo lab where he fries victims’ brains, he has a stove, refrigerator and a giant octopus. In town, the deaths are blamed on “The Monster”. Police Capt. Robbins (Harvey B. Dunn), who has a pet parakeet, discusses the case with Lt. Dick Craig (Tony McCoy) and his fiancée reporter, Janet (Loretta King) who is investigating the monster story. The suspicious Prof. Strowski (George Becwar) thinks the monster might be like the one in Loch Ness. On her way to Lake Marsh, Janet has a car accident. She faints but is rescued by Lobo (the one and only Tor Johnson), Vornoff''s hulking servant. Craig and his partner Marty (Don Nagel) go to the lake to find Janet, who's kind of being held prisoner by Varnoff. Meanwhile, Strowski visits the bad doctor.

Turns out the professor is from an unnamed country that had exiled Varnoff years before. Strowski wants to take Varnoff “home” but he will have none of it and throws Strowski to the octopus he happens to have on the premise (that's the monster). Varnoff decides to make Janet an atomic bride (complete with wedding gown) but Lobo has other ideas. He frees Janet and straps his boss to the operating table. Lobo and Craig have a fight (the Lieutenant fairs well). Somehow Lobo manages to turn Varnoff into a monster (now portrayed by stuntman Eddie Parker; no stranger to playing monsters..). Robbins, Marty and Kelton the cop (Paul Marco) arrive just as their tussle begins. Lobo is killed and now atomic Varnoff takes off with Janet. All's well that ends well as the doc becomes a victim of his own octo-monster. Robbins sums it all up: “He tampered in God's domain”. 

Several other Ed Wood “stock players” appear: Conrad Brooks (uncredited), Bud Osbourne, Ben Frommer and of course Dolores Fuller in a bit role as another reporter. Former “Bowery Boy” William “Whitey” Benedict also has a small role. Saying this is director Ed Wood, Jr.'s best movie might be stretching it but despite its so-so acting, weird plot, the who gives a shit editing and not too special effects, it's fun to watch and not see nearly as much as PLAN 9 has been in recent years. There's stock footage, of course and the scenes where the octopus kills its victims are pretty pathetic but after watching a few modern horror/Sc-Fi movies recently, I have to say for its entertainment value, BRIDE beats them all! 

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RIP Conrad Brooks (1931-2017)

 

 (IMDB)

JAN-GEL THE BEAST FROM THE EAST-1999-A prehistoric man (Dale Clukey) frozen in ice is lost by a shipping company and comes to life. He's a bug eyed bearded, balding pot bellied oaf who wanders around scaring people and making ridiculous grunts. Sometimes he sounds constipated. He kills a few people but nothing is shown. This movie is so inept,boring and laughable. Feeble attempts at real humor fall flat. The acting, directing and editing are below sub-par. 

Director/writer Conrad Brooks (in several Ed Wood Jr. movies including PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE) plays Conrad Brooks, a Bigfoot hunter. Visible mics are everywhere. The monster kills in broad daylight and in a really crazed scene fights a rubber snake. This probably isn't as bad as Brooks' BLOOD SLAVES OF THE VAMPIRE WOLF but it's a close second. Speaking of second, Brooks made a sequel!

 (nobudgetpodcast.com)

JAN-GEL 2: THE BEAST RETURNS-2001-I have to hand it Conrad Brooks, he's made a movie worse than JAN-GEL! The big caveman returns but this time his head is bandaged and a still photo is used for his first appearance! I guess the original actor wasn't available. This thing contains the weirdest looking bunch of actors I've ever seen.

 (mondocult.com)

(Conrad Brooks and friend)

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Warning! Double Bad Feature

JEN-GAL-3-THE HILLBILLY MONSTER-2003-Conrad Brooks has to be stopped! Much like BLOOD SLAVES OF THE VAMPIRE WOLF this was shot on video using strange looking non-actors who just stand or sit around talking. Nothing happens! A weird looking “ape boy” escapes from a circus freak show, prowls around a cemetery and gets his foot caught in a bear trap. A doctor in charge of a sanitarium (where all the actors actually came from?) takes him in.

Meanwhile, “the monster’s” adopted father, the circus owner and the police search for him. That’s it! And it's actually a sequel! So beware of parts 1 and 2.

On the same DVD is another Brooks’ atrocity called GRANDPARENTS FROM OUTER SPACE. If it’s possible it might be worse but at least it’s short. Pot bellied Brooks and his real life wife star as aliens looking for their grandchildren. It’s a pretty pathetic talkfest with very bad acting, editing and sound.



CANNIBAL HOOKERS-1987-Part of the “I Dance On Your Grave” series. Some cannibal hookers reside in a castle with a Tor Johnson like servant cleverly named Lobo. They lure men to the castle then chop them up and eat parts of them. A girl pledging a sorority gets involved with them but a detective saves the day (sort of). It’s very disjointed, badly edited and the acting is terrible. This was low budget director Donald Farmer’s second outing. He went on to churn out many weird low budget direct to video quickies including SAVAGE VENGEANCE, VAMPIRE COP and SPACE KID.

"To me absurdity is the only reality"-Frank Zappa

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No Blood No Wolf No Movie!

BLOOD SLAVES OF THE VAMPIRE WOLF-1996-People always say, “This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen” but usually they just say that because at the time they really hated the movie. But when I say this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen I really mean “THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN!!!”!!!

Of course I gravitate toward bad movies and I don’t use that phrase lightly! I’ve seen a lot of shit! THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS, CREEPING TERROR, DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT, this makes classics out of all of them. It’s kind of in the mold of BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (at least production wise) only ten times worse!

It’s not even a movie really. It’s more like a home video. A very badly made home video! To top it all off it’s dedicated to “the memory of Ed Wood” who must be rolling over in his grave considering he never made anything this horrible…

SLAVES is filmed entirely on video using one camera with some out of place close-ups edited in. The production was so bad the camera and editing machine didn’t even have a flying eraser head so the cutting is a disaster. The characters just stand around talking mostly and nothing really happens even when people are being killed! Some female vampire makes a big fat guy kill some hookers. Her assistant is veteran bad actor Conrad Brooks who says nothing until the end when he laughs hysterically. There’s so little movement by the cast that when I fast-forwarded the DVD it still looked like they were standing still!! And for some reason Joe Estevez shows up for one quick scene to give an autograph.

SLAVES was the brainchild of actor Conrad Brooks who produced & directed this mess. He did work with Wood on several films. (In Tim Burton’s ED WOOD he’s portrayed by Brent Hinkley and has a cameo as a bartender) He’s also in the aforementioned BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS and many direct to video projects that most people never see. Unfortunately Brooks went on to direct a few more video movies.

Remember! I warned you!

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