Subterranean Bad Movie Blues

HEARTS OF FIRE-Warner Bros.-1987-Apparently someone thought ‘80’s singer Fiona was going to be more than just a one hit wonder and decided she should star in a movie. Joe Eszterhas co-wrote it (years before his 3 million dollar paycheck for BASIC INSTINCT) and Raymond Marquand (THE RETURN OF THE JEDI) directed it! But the wildest thing of all is that Bob Dylan co-stars in it!

Fiona plays Molly Maguire, a toll taker by day, struggling singer/guitarist in a cover bar band at night. She meets reclusive fallen rock star Billy Parker (Dylan) now living on his late father’s farm. They sing one of his “hits” (a song called “The Usual” written by someone else) and then he invites her to join him in England for an “oldies” concert. Richie Havens, Ron Wood and Ian Dury have small roles around this time. They also meet an unhappy new wave type teen idol James Colt (Rupert Everett) who sings Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” several times. Young fans mob him when he’s out with his young daughter and he and Molly become lovers. Julian Glover plays his manservant. Parker trashes a hotel room and goes back home and Molly goes on a world tour with Colt. A blind woman tries to kill him and Molly returns home to be crooned by Billy in a barn.

It’s not the really bad movie it could have been. It’s just not very good. Dylan did this 9 years after his self-made colossal disaster RENALDO &  CLARA and except for cameos didn’t act again until MASKED AND ANONYMOUS in 2003. Fiona was a typical ‘80’s female “screamer” with little talent.

It went directly to video and was the last feature for Marquand who died suddenly of a heart attack the same year. He also directed THE BIRTH OF THE BEATLES, EYE OF THE NEEDLE and JAGGED EDGE (also written by Eszterhas). The Hungarian born Eszterhas was a former “Rolling Stone” writer who later wrote the pathetic SHOWGIRLS.

Rupert Everett went on to star in many unusual features like CEMETERY MAN and INSIDE MONKEY ZETTERLAND.

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A Comedy...well...sort of...

MOON PILOT-1962 -Seems like Walt Disney wanted to make a more adult stupid comedy and this disaster is the result. After volunteering (by getting stuck in the ass by a fork wielding monkey) to be the first man in the moon, army-astronaut (Tom Tryon, who wisely gave up acting to become a best selling author) wants to see his mom before he gets shot into space by his blustering, loud mouth superior (Brian Keith). He meets up with a telepathic alien (Dany Salvin) and falls in love. Edmund O’Brien plays a government agent assigned to protect Tryon. It’s all screwed up nonsense featuring Kent Smith, Tommy Kirk, Bert Remsen and in uncredited roles, Nancy Kulp, Bob Hastings and William Hudson. Director James Neilson made other features (including SCARECROW) but worked mainly in TV.

Three real astronauts:







"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana"-Groucho Marx

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Not So Terrific Trio...

MY BREAKFAST WITH BLASSIE-1983 -I’ve never understood the lure of Andy Kaufman (1949-1984). His movie bio didn’t do very well, so I think younger audiences don’t really know him. Still, he’s achieved a kind of cult staus. He was a wacky stand-up comic who made it big through the TV show TAXI and always had a strange story situation as an act.

Around the time he made this direct to video relic he’d been wrestling women in Memphis and feuding with pro-wrestler Jerry “The King” Lawler (who “slapped” him silly on The David Letterman Show). Wearing a neck brace from “an injury” sustained by Lawler, Kaufman literally has breakfast with another pro-wrestler “Classy” Freddy Blassie (who died in 2003). They both act like rude, stuck up assholes (were they acting?) and Blassie talks about his career, The Shah of Iran, herpes, Elvis and other stuff. He insults their pregnant Thai waitress and starts arguments with various customers. Kaufman does his “Laika” voice, tries to pick up a woman and really comes off like a chauvinist dunce (I guess he WAS acting....).

Famed Los Angeles ring announcer Jimmy Lennon appears in a pre-credit scene. I guess it was take-off on MY DINNER WITH ANDRE but I still can’t see the real point (unless it was just an “advertisement” for his ‘inter-gender championship” act) as it’s not that funny and at times quite bizarre. But I guess that was Andy Kaufman! His manager Bob Zmuda also appears. A Johnny Legend Production.


ALIENINATOR-1989- Fun nonsense from director Fred Olen Ray about an escaped alien criminal (Ross Hagen) with a slave collar around his neck. He acts very strange but after the collar is removed he acts even weirder! He meets up with a group of dorks and hero-sheriff John Phillip Law (who died in 2008). A female prison agent (Teagen) is after Hagen and (thankfully) the dorks get in her way. She fries Ray “regulars” Robert Quarry (as an alcoholic doctor; he died this past Feb.) and Hoke Howell & Fox Harris (in his last role) as poachers. Law and the surviving dorks later on get help from ex-soldier Leo V. Gordon (acting like R. Lee Ermey).

Framing type sequences on another planet feature Robert Clarke, PJ Soles and Jay Richardson. Jeffrey C. Hogue was the producer and the cinematography is by Gary Graver.




RIVERWORLD-(Canada)-(2002)-Making a movie version of sci-fi author Phillip Jose’ Farmer’s immense “River World” series seems an impossible task. This made for the Sci-Fi channel adaptation doesn’t help. Dead people from all different eras in time are re-born (or re-animated?) on the alien controlled Riverworld. Brad Johnson (who was appearing in the quasi-religious LEFT BEHIND series at the time) stars as an American astronaut from the year 2009. Emily Lloyd (who’d seen better days in WISH YOU WHERE HERE and COOKIE) is Alice. It’s nothing like the books and mostly it’s the villain, a resurrected Nero (Jonathan Cake) trying to enslave everyone and generally over acting while the only non-human lectures about how bad humans are. Sam Clemens/Mark Twain (Cameron Daddo) shows up but mostly it seems to be a pilot for a projected series.

Director Kari Skogland mainly did TV (Dead At 21, Queer As Folk) but also a few films CHILDREN OF THE CORN-666 and ZEBRA LOUNGE (also with Daddo).

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The Fury of Chiba

T

HE FURY WITHIN-(1998)-A made for cable horror movie that unfortunately looks like it.

Ally Sheedy stars as a wife recently separated from her husband (Costas Mandylor) raising their two kids. After a close encounter with a dog who had been locked up with it's dead master for a couple of days (and eating him) weird things ala POLTERGEIST begin to happen. Lights go out, kitchen untensils fly everywhere, etc. It seems her young son is possessed...or is he? Except for the downer ending, this isn't much.



THE BODYGUARD-(1976)-I love Sonny Chiba's STREETFIGHTER movies but this thing is the pits. It's very cheap, badly made and boring. The US version opens with a short tour of NYC's 42nd Street (in the bad old days) and then a shaky hand held camera leads us into a dojo where Karate champs Aaron Banks and Bill Louie beat up some students and debate on who's better, Chiba or Bruce Lee. This scene is really awful and sets the tone for the whole movie even though it was added by US schlockmiester Terry Levene!

After he beats up and kills some assassins on a plane, Chiba (playing himself) holds a press conference and announces his war on drugs. After his sister has a warning carved on her arm (by The Costa Nostra) he has one fight after another while trying to protect another woman who knows more than she's telling. Chiba's real life brother Jiro appears too.

The theme song is really cool though!

Credited director Simon Nuchtern has worked (or re-worked perhaps?) on a lot of crap including the notorius SNUFF, the 3-D SILENT MADNESS, an '80's biker film SAVAGE DAWN and something called THAT MAN IS PREGNANT!

Chiba made STREETFIGHTER'S LAST REVENGE the same year.....

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Lamely Lorenzo

FINAL ROUND-(1993)-Lorenzo Lamas (who was starring on the TV series RENEGADE at the time, so you'd think he wouldn't have time for this nonsense) plays another unshaven hero in this boring action film.

He's a boxer who's kidnapped and then hunted by a bunch of geeky psychos ala THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME. Lamas' future ex-wife (and TV co-star) Kathleen Kinmont (who also played "the bride" in BRIDE OF THE RE-ANIMATOR) co-stars here too and gets to fight guys in trenchcoats and eyepatches in the dark. Who gives a shit? Director George Erschbamer also made the SNAKE EATER series with Lamas.

BOUNTY TRACKER-(1993)-More unshaven nonsense from Lamas. This is almost like his TV series RENEGADE except more violent. He's a Boston based bounty hunter out for (what else?) revenge after his brother and sis-in-law are killed by Matthias Hues and his gang. A short but pretty good fight between Lamas and Hues almost saves this dull action drama (I said almost!). Producer Pierre David produced a lot of stuff in Canada including SCANNERS sequels and it's offshoot SCANNER COP (I hear he's preparing a re-make of the original...)

Lamas made many more action films and later hung out on the soap opera THE BOLD and THE BEAUTIFUL.

"My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else"-Woody Allen

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TV Cap and A Bank Robbery In Korea

CAPTAIN AMERICA-(1979)-Ok, yeah, there were two TV movies made based on the Marvel Comic Book character Captain America. All around movie dud Reb Brown played the super soldier in both. I couldn't care less about either of them really. In the '80's Albert Pyun made a very bad big screen version for Cannon. In fact, I don't think it ever even played in the theaters. As I remember it I think Cannon went bankrupt and eventually it went straight to video. The weirdest part for me about that version is that Cap is played by Matt Salinger, the son of "Catcher In The Rye" author J.D. Salinger!

But anyway, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, CAPTAIN AMERICA 2 made for TV in 1979 is pretty forgettable except for the fact the bad guy is played by none other than Christopher Lee himself! Lee is an international terrorist named Miguel holding a scientist (Christopher Cary from TV's GARRISON'S GUERILLAS) hostage in a US penitentary. He wants the formula for an aging compund so he can blackmail America! Brown is pretty boring as the cowled patriotic super dude but he does have a boomerang shield, rocket powered cycle and wings on his head. Actually the whole freakin' story is boring! Much of it concerns Cap's relationship with a widow and her son in a small town Miguel is going to use as a test run......

TV stalwarts like Connie Sellecca, Len Birman and Ken Swofford help out. Well, they try to help out Cap, not the movie itself....I think Natalie Wood's sister Lana is also in this. I can't remember...(can you blame me?)

The first adaptation of Cap on film however occured in 1944 when Dick Purcell played the shield swinging super dude in a serial produced by Republic. Oh and CAPTAIN AMERICA 2 was directed by Ivan Nagy who made lots of other TV movies and the horror flick SKINNER.

Marvel Comics film studio has promised a new version in 2010!

Read an old Captain America comic by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby instead unless you are a Chris Lee completist.

And '79 was a busy year for him! He was in the Spielberg bomb 1941, CIRCLE OF IRON with David Carradine, THE PASSAGE with Anthony Quinn & Malcolm McDowell and ARABIAN ADVENTURE. He's slowed down a little in recent years.....



JAKARTA-2000-Clever bank heist movie from Korea that starts off with a rather unlikely plot that three groups of thieves rob the same bank on the same day. Strange things happen, people are killed and everything’s a bit confusing. But that’s only the first half. The second half is a flashback that explains what led up to the triple robbery and all is not as it seems. Very well done with some dark humor and good performances.

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All Jammed Into One Entry

Not much time tonight. This is all I got!

SCOTLAND PA.-2002-Typical "indie" comedy-drama this time based on Shakespeare's Macbeth from first time director Billy Morrissette. It stars James LeGros (LIVING IN OBLIVION) and Maura Tierney (the director's wife). They plot murder and smoke a lot of cigerettes. Christopher Walken plays Lt. MacDuff.

MAY-2003-This very weird independent semi-horror movie features a great performance by Angela Bettis (she played the title role in the NBC TV re-make of CARRIE a little earlier) as a lonely assistant vet who's only looking for a friend. She stalks a guy she likes but he finds her a little too nutty. She's seduced by her lesbian co-worker and tries voulenteering to help blind kids (with disasterous results) but eventually she finds her only recourse is to "build" her own friend......

Also with Jeremy Sisto (WRONG TURN). Bettis later starred in Tobe Hooper's remake of THE TOOLBOX MURDERS.

KILLER ANGELS-(1989)-is a pretty neat martial arts action drama with three women known as "The Blue Angel Squad" battling a mob kingpin while also protecting an informer (named Jackie Chan!). There's lots of great fights, shootouts and oh yeah a little bit of storyline too.

BOWERY BLITZKRIEG-(1941)-is a typical comedy-drama featuring "The East Side Kids" (successor to "The Dead End KIds"). This time Muggs (Leo Gorcey) becomes a Golden Glove boxer and Danny (Bobby Jourdan) is involved with gangsters. Huntz Hall is Lumpy. Charlotte Henry (Bo-Beep in MARCH OF THE WOODEN SOLDIERS with Laurel & Hardy) is Danny's sister. Warren Hull (who played the lead role in THE GREEN HORNET STRIKES BACK the same year) is her policeman-boyfriend. Keye Luke (who was Kato in the same Green Hornet serial) is a pool hall owner. Also with the other "gang" regulars "Sunshine" Sammy Morrison, David Gorcey and Donald Haines. Pat (brother of Lou) Costello has a small role as a trainer who faints at the sight of blood.

CAVALRY CHARGE-1951-In this stupid Technicolor movie (also known as THE LAST OUTPOST) future prez Ronald Reagan plays a Confederate officer during the Civil War. Apparently the makers of this film felt that The Union Army was a growing menace and had to be stopped by The Confederate Army and The American Indians (strangely a white man leads them!). No one mentions slavery.

Ron (who gives a very stiff performance) and his gang spend a lot of time trying to break Geronimo out of jail even though they admit he’s guilty of murder. Eventually The Indians are the ones who can’t be trusted and The Confederates wind up saving their Union enemies. One actor in this, Bruce Bennett was an Olympic shot putter who played the lead in THE NEW ADVENTURES OF TARZAN (under his real name Herman Brix) in 1935. He later changed his name and appeared in many movies (like LOVE ME TENDER with Elvis and THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE with Beverly Garland & Lon Chaney). He died in Feb. 2008 at the age of 100!

CC also features Rhonda Fleming, Noah Beery Jr, and Hugh Beaumont (6 years before LEAVE IT TO BEAVER), Iron Eyes Cody and Burt Mustin.

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Wincott, Lose Some

Jeff Wincott is a Canadian Tae Kwon Do martial artist who decided to become an actor. While he's made a lot of direct to video movies I'm not sure if he's an actor. His "action movies" are pretty much the same and usually ripped off from some current hit. In LAST MAN STANDING (1996) Wincott plays a police officier battling gangsters, crooked cops and bombs. He smokes a lot and sometimes narrates. Jonathan Banks plays his partner who's killed and shootouts and car chases take up a lot of time. His wife (Jill McWhirter) helps him out when he goes on the run after being framed. Unusually, that same year Walter Hill directed a different movie with the same name that was released in the theaters.

This LMS was directed, written and co-produced by Joseph Merhi, who for much of the '90's with his partner Richard Pepin released a lot of Martial Arts and/or Action movies on tape (Many of them with Don "The Dragon" Wilson). Merhi went on to co-produce the Rob Reiner directed bomb ALEX & EMMA.



You can also catch Mr. Wincott in the earlier TOTAL RECALL/DIE HARD ripoff from 1994 called THE KILLING MAN (aka KILLING MACHINE) where he stars as an ex-hitman betrayed by his employers and who is rescued from a firery death by CIA boss Michael Ironsides. He has amnesia, flashbacks and sex with his nurse. He narrates his story (while walking in slo-mo) and tells God "I deserve to die". He goes to NYC and meets Calista Carradine (who's head winds up in a hat box) in a topless bar and beats up a lot of people. He gets involved with a professor (Terri Hawks) working on an Aids cure. The finale is a chase/shootout in an office building.

Another John Woo wannabe strikes! In this case someone named David Mitchell. THE KILLING MAN was written and produced by Damien Lee, the man responsible for FOOD OF THE GODS 2 and other junk. I think both of these were filmed in Canada.



I also chanced upon THE TRANSPORTER (2002) starring David Statham, a Vin Diesel wannabe (if such a thing can exist) as a contract driver who will transport any kind of package no questions ask for a huge fee. Sounds interesting, huh?

In his latest escapade he breaks his cardinal rule by looking into the package he is to deliver and finds live human being...a female even (award winning Taiwanese actress Qi Shu). Thus begins their "amazing" adventure involving the smuggling of illegal immigrants, explosions, martial arts, guns, death, descruction and Statham trying to act and failing badly. Some of the fight scenes are rather badly executed. One fight when Statham covers himself in fuel oil seems to be influenced by The Three Stooges!

There was a THE TRANSPORTER 2 later on but I haven't seen it. I don't know what he transports in the sequel!

"The greatest man who ever lived was the man who invented sitting down"-Groucho Marx

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Romero and Naschy

HANGING WOMAN-United American Video-1973-This is a weird one. It’s a horror story with lots of talk and features Paul Naschy as Igor, a necrophilic caretaker. Characters seem to die and then come back from the dead. After a lot of false scares the film turns into something like NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD with a scientist reviving corpses through a strange invention. In this dubbed version all the credits are anglicized and the great horror star Naschy is called Paul Nash! It’s original title is LA ORGIA DE LOS MUERTOS but it’s had numerous re-titled re-releases and is clearly edited.

The stars are Gerald Tichy, Aurora De Alba, Maria Pia Conte, Carlos Quiney and Stelvio Rosi.

Director/ Co-Writer Jose Luis Merino made SCREAM OF THE DEMON LOVER (1970) and films featuring Zorro, Robin Hood and Tarzan! Co-writer Enrico Colombo wrote Jesus Franco’s NIGHT OF THE BLOOD MONSTER (1969). Bernard Woolner is also mentioned as producer on this version.



BRUISER-Lions Gate Films-2001-This was George Romero’s first feature after his disappointing THE DARK SIDE (based on Stephen King’s novel) in 1993. It’s a little different but I expected more.

Nice guy/loser/yuppie Henry (Jason Flemyng) is the proverbial doormat. His obnoxious boss (Peter Stormage) treats him like shit. His best friend and lawyer (Andrew Tarbet) cheats him out of money. His unfaithful wife belittles, and eventually leaves him. He fantasizes about doing in various pushy people.

But when he puts on a faceless mask he changes completely. He literally becomes a man without a face bent on violent revenge. But somehow this movie just doesn’t make it. Although Henry gets to turn the tables there’s a lot of talk and for the most part the story will leave you feeling a little unsatisfied.

At one point after this, Romero had been involved with a “Resident Evil” project but his script was rejected because it focused too much on zombies!!!

Flemyng later played Dr. Jekyll in the flop LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN. Romero finally returned with CITY OF THE DEAD.

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Digital Disaster

Philip Roth made many direct to video movies in the '90's...Shit, he's still making them! Roth concocted DIGITAL MAN in 1994 with the help of co-scripter Roland Schmidt. It features Matthias Hues as the title character, a Robo-Cop/Terminator type government robot named D-1. Coming back from a mission his plane goes off course and lands in the trailer park wonderland called Badwater. Video vet Ed Lauter sends in a team of cyborgs and humans to take him out. Hues is a polite killing machine and since the population of Badwater are a collective bunch of idiots it's nice to see them get blown away starting with the fat obnoxious sheriff.

Unfortunately the team that is sent in to stop D-1 are a bunch of bickering assholes and it is quite a pleasure to see them get blown away too! (ala something like "Predator")

Ken Olandt and Kristen Dalton lead the team while Adam Baldwin, Clint Howard, Susan Tyrell and Phillip Bruns are on hand to make you remember why you watch direct to video movies!

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Watch A Movie Tonight..but not this one!

DIRTY WORK-MGM-1998-Old “Saturday Night Live” players never die, the movies they’re in just get worse and worse!

This stupid comedy would have been helped considerably if someone other than Norm McDonald (also one of the writers) was in the lead role. Not only isn’t he very funny or appealing but he seems to be delivering his lines from another movie. He plays a loser who’s tired of taking shit from assholes so he and his brother (Artie Lange from McDonald’s own TV show and “Mad TV”) open up a revenge for hire service called “Dirty Work”. They screw theater manager Don Rickles out of his job and help a circus dwarf get back at a drunken bearded lady. But eventually they are manipulated by an opera loving Donald Trump type land developer.

There are some funny gags but mostly the jokes are so stupid (dogs having sex; McDonald off screen getting butt fucked by some prisoners) you can’t help but laugh at adults making such nonsense.

To top it all off Chris Farley (he did die) and Adam Sandler (no comment) are also in it! Jack Warden plays the brothers’ sex obsessed father who needs a heart transplant from an in debt to the mob doctor (Chevy Chase).

Traylor Howard is the female lead who’s character doesn’t have much to do.

With other cameos by Kim Bassinger, Gary Coleman, Ken Norton and John Goodman. The director Bob Saget once hosted the TV show “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, so you’ve been warned!

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A Good Movie For A Change

THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN-1960

Little Eddie Hodges plays the lead in this, the second to last film directed by the great Micheal Curtiz.

Boxer Archie Moore gives a very good accounting of himself too in the role of the runaway slave, Jim but Tony Randall nearly steals the show as The King, a con-man who gets Huck into trouble. His partner is played by Mickey Shaughnessy and Neville Brand plays Huck's father!

This a great version of this classic American story and also features: John Carridine & Royal Dano as slave hunters, Buster Keaton & Andy Devine as circus owners, Sterling Holloway, Patty McCormack, Judy Canova, Josephine Hutchinson, Parley Baer, Harry Dean Stanton and Finley Currie.

Star Hodges retired a few years later. Moore went back to boxing and many more versions followed....



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Harvest This!

HARVESTERS-2001-This is a terrible shot on video horror movie atrocity!

It was directed by someone named Joe Ripple. And you'll want to drink a whole bottle of his last name if you sit through it!

It's about some stupid thugs (lead by a lesbian ex-Gulf War veteran) who hold a family hostage. It turns out the family is actually a bunch of maniacs who kill people for their body parts. Most of the movie is a tedious mess of talkng and false scares.

Two US Marshalls who seem like the heroes (one is the director) get killed (kind of like at the begining of THEY SAVED HITLER'S BRAIN) and it's up to the Gulf War veteran to get revenge.

HARVESTERS was produced and written Don Dohler who directed some very weird low budget movies (in Maryland where HARVESTERS was also filmed) like ALIEN FACTOR, FIEND and NIGHTBEAST. He also created the SFX magazine "Cinemagic".

The only actor I knew in the cast was George Stover who plays the crazy father. He was a fanzine publisher who'd appeared in other Dohler projects and some by John Waters (who also shot many of his early "infamous" movies in Maryland).

The DVD version I saw had the nerve to include a "Making Of" featurette!

I've read Ripple & Dohler made three more movies together after this including ALIEN FACTOR 2 which Dohler directed. Unfortunately he died at 60 in 2006.

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Ghost Busted

GHOST SHIP-(2002)-This overly violent horror story takes place on...you guessed it...a haunted ship! A salvage crew (led by Julianna Marguiles & Gabriel Byrne) run afoul of ghosts, death and gold. There's a lot of talk and characters screaming at one another. A little girl ghost tries to help out. Others in the cast include Isiah Washington, Ron Eldard and Karl Urban. The director Steve Beck made the equally atrocious 13 GHOSTS remake...Sometimes I think movies like this are made just to keep the various SFX departments in business.....

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The Stooges In The Sixties!

SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES-20th Century-Fox-1961-This is the second of the new Three Stooges “comeback” films after HAVE ROCKET WILL TRAVEL (if you don’t count the mostly compilation STOP! LOOK! AND LAUGH with Paul Winchell).

Snow White (1960 Olympic Gold Medal skater Carol Heiss) is imprisoned by her evil stepmother (Patricia Medina, who later on becomes an ugly broom using witch) after the death of her husband The King (Edgar Barrier). A good 15 minutes passes (after the credits) before The Stooges show up. They are traveling entertainers who saved and adopted Prince Charming (Edson Stroll who was in THE THREE STOOGES IN ORBIT the next year, the “Twilight Zone” episode “The Eye Of The Beholder” and the “McHale’s Navy” TV show) when he was a boy.

They do some slapstick (though the eye poking is kept to a minimum) and get a magic sword that grants wishes. With all the ice skiing and singing, it seems like The Stooges were trying to emulate the early ‘40’s musical comedies of Abbott & Costello!

Guy Rolfe (who was in DR. SARDONICUS and KING OR KINGS the same year) is the queen’s consort. Buddy Baer (GIANT FROM THE UNKNOWN) is the queen’s reluctant executioner. Baer was also in A & C’s JACK AND THE BEANSTALK.

Also with Peter Coe (HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN), Marie Blake (AKA Blossom Rock; Grandmamma on “The Addams Family”), Herbie Faye and Burt Mustin. Scriptwriter Elwood Ullman, who wrote a few of The New Stooges later efforts, also scripted many Bowery Boys movies, perhaps Abbott & Costello’s worst film LOST IN ALASKA and DR. GOLDFOOT AND THE BIKINI MACHINE. Co-writer Noel Langley scripted THE WIZARD OF OZ!

This was the last film from director Walter Lang, who was no stranger to musicals having helmed THE KING AND I and THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS and other titles dating back to 1925! He died in 1972 three years before original Stooges Moe and Larry. Curly Joe said goodbye in 1993.



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Hands!

"Now 75 years later in an abundant society where people have laptops, cell phones, iPods and minds like empty rooms, I still plod along with books"-Harper Lee





HANDS OF A STRANGER-Allied Artists-(1962)-Cheap, very boring rip-off of "The Hands Of Orlac"(filmed at least 3 times before) with a pianist (James Stapleton) receiving a "hands transplant" from a doctor (Paul Luklather) after his are mangled in a car crash. Unfortunately, the hands he gets are those of a killer. He can't seem to accept this and kills some people (including a child). He sets his girlfriend (Irish McCalla) on fire and just acts generally crazy. The story hints that his love for his over-protective sister (Joan Harvey) who falls for the doctor might be behind his problems. The investigating detective (Lawrence Haddon) is pretty funny but it's mostly just talk and bad acting.

Director Newt Arnold was mainly a career second unit or assistant director on many films (he died in 2000) and HANDS was the first of only three movies he would make. Strangely the next two would both have "blood" in the title. He'd make the Phillipines lensed BLOOD THIRST in 1971 and the early Jean-Claude Van Damme starrer BLOODSPORT in 1981. He even acted in a few movies.

Then unknown Sally Kellerman has a small role in HANDS but the only other "name star" is Irish McCalla who had gained fame in the '50's as TV's "Sheena Of The Jungle" (and the female lead in SHE DEMONS). She retired after this to become a successful artist despite battles with brain tumors. She died in 2000.

"There are many things in life that are more important than money. And they all cost money"-Fred Allen

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Teen Age Zombies/Moronic Adults

TEENAGE ZOMBIES-1957/59-Ok, now be warned: THIS IS ANOTHER MOVIE BY JERRY WARREN! I admit I never expected to see this teenage horror obscurity on video and here it is on DVD!! The print is jumping and damaged, the sound isn’t great and it seems to be missing part of a scene so I can’t really recommend it but if you thought Warren’s other non-paste up jobs (like THE INCREDIBLE PETRIFIED WORLD) were bad you owe it to yourself to see one that’s worse!

Four teenagers led by Don Sullivan (the likable hero of MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS and THE GIANT GILA MONSTER) decide to have lunch on a remote island after water skiing. They stumble upon (Warren regular) Katherine Victor her “army” of home made zombies. In a very dark scene near the beginning she seems to be overseeing a bunch of them but later on there’s only one! When their boat disappears (it’s never actually shown anyway) they are taken prisoner and locked in a dungeon. Two other teens come looking and seek help from the crooked local sheriff. His office is a riot. It looks like he’s in a framed painting!

Eventually we learn that Victor is a foreign spy working on a gas that will turn everyone into mindless slaves. Some “3 Stooges” like scenes erupt and a man in a gorilla suit shows up too!

"The stars are matter. We're matter. But it doesn't matter"-Don Van Vliet

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Kung Fu For You

DUEL TO THE DEATH-1982-This wild retro-‘70’s Kung Fu period piece features a little of everything. Ninjas that explode, crazy swordplay, limbs being dismembered, characters flying through the air, and even a head that talks after being severed from it’s body! A short scene features a female ninja in the nude! The plot has something to do with a tournament between Chinese and Japanese fighters. It was the first film directed by Siu-Tung Ching who went on to make other entertaining films including THE HEROIC TRIO 2. Recommended for Martial Arts Fans everywhere!

THE YOUNG TAOISM FIGHTER-1986-This is a very imaginative martial arts feature with some good fighting and lots of intentional and unintentional laughs. Crazy goings on at a Taoist temple involves two students who like to play practical jokes and villain possessed by a demon…I think. The letter-boxed version I saw was in Cantonese with no sub-titles! Although the villain dismembers the hero in the finale his severed body parts keep going and win the day! Oh yeah, and don’t forget those talking turtles who dance in one scene!

THE RETURN OF THE CHINESE BOXER-1975-Director/Star Jimmy Wang Yu (Yu Wang) is the title character out to stop villainous Japanese fighters. The story is very confusing and the dubbing is bad too (what else is new?) but there are some good fights, a little slapstick and even some Kung Fu zombies are thrown in. Yu (who was arrested for murder in the early ‘80’s but released due to lack of evidence) also made the “One Armed Swordsman” series and other Martial Arts films in Hong Kong and Taiwan. The version I saw was washed out in spots but letterboxed. The same year as this Yu Wang also directed and starred in the incredible MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE!

"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make them my friends?"-Abraham Lincoln

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