Kill The Video Camera

 

 (imdb)

KILL SYNDROME-2006-Shot on video garbage about some redneck assholes torturing a girl for a snuff movie. They kidnap others and torture them. The acting sucks of course. A movie like this (I'm not even sure if it is a movie) makes me wonder...

 Sure, some amateurs with a camera who've seen THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE too many times may have just wanted to make an extreme gore film because they thought it was cool but I'm not sure. 

The 2 directors might profit from mental health examinations.

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Quadead

 

TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE-1987-An African American woman (Shirley Jones from the same director's BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL) reads stories from the title book to her dead invisible ghost (?) son. In the first tale, “Food For ?”, a white hillbilly family has only enough food for four people and there are 8 of them. It's an "every man for himself" dive for food. Eventually a guy in overalls kills 3 of them. Later there's not enough food for 5 of them. 

In the second, “The Brothers”, 2 guys steal a corpse from funeral home for the dead guy's brother. He planned on killing his now dead bro because he stole the guy's wife and she killed herself after bro spend all their inheritance. He rants "What a terrible childhood I had". Since he couldn't enact the murder he dresses bro up in a clown costume and laughs a lot. Dead bro's spirit (?) enters the clowny body and kills living bro with a pitchfork. Just when mom is going to read another story dad Daryl comes by and beats her with the book. They have a kind of violent fight until she stabs him (this scene goes on for a while). 

TALES of course was the brainchild of producer/director/writer Chester N. Turner, once more working his camcorder magic, in this follow up to his previous insanity, the aforementioned BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL. 

TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE IS cheap and shoddy beyond belief but it's so crazy, it really has to be seen to be believed. For years it was believed do it all Turner was killed in a car accident but that was untrue. He is among the living and has threatened to make sequels to both his movies. This has not happened at the time of this writing as far as I know.

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36 Years Later...

 

MARK OF THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES-2004-Reptillian like aliens come to Earth and release astro-zombies on the unsuspecting populace. In the opening bloody attack they use machetes to kill. Reporter Cindy Natale (Brink Stevens) investigates a second attack. She interviews some people running from the slaughter (they are very funny). After the president (Gene Paul Jones) has a meeting with his staff in a little conference room (the oval office was unavailable…??), Cindy meets her FBI boyfriend Jeff (Sean Morelli) and we meet mad scientist Dr. Mikacevich (director Ted V. Mikels himself) who has preserved the head of Dr. DeMarco (John Carradine's character in the first movie) and talks to it. It also talks. He wants the secret of the astro-zombies. He's barely introduced when Malvira, the sister of Santana (also from the first movie here played by the same actress, the one and only Tura Santana) bursts in with her dimwit henchman and shoots him. Then she stomps him with her high heel. The same thing happened to Mikels' character in 10 VIOLENT WOMAN! 

The president and his staff try to formulate a plan with 3 weird looking doctors but the aliens can hear all their communications.  A woman painter (Liz Renay) who claims to have been abducted by aliens doesn't seem to have anything to do with the main story. The zombies attack periodically with machetes through heads and necks and a motorcyclist is decapitated.They also kidnap some doctors and scientists.  Meanwhile Cindy tries to sell a phony astro-zombie to some foreign powers. Eventually some good aliens arrive and destroy the bad aliens and the zombies. 

This shot on video low budget craziness is very talky in spots but the bloody attacks by the astros is pretty funny! There's a lot of talk, bad acting and bad SFX leading up the the promise of a part 3. This is director/writer Mikels' first sequel (yes, he made 2 more!) to his notorious ASTRO ZOMBIES released in 1968! It features some gory deaths but when the zombies aren't around it drags.

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2 Dinos

 

JURASSIC GALAXY-2018-Nonsense about the survivors of a spaceship crash on an alien planet inhabited by dinosaurs. After arguing and avoiding getting eaten they meet the weird survivor of a previous crash who's now a cannibal who ate his crew members and worships a volcano. A tree has graffiti on it and the sfx suck. Two brothers directed it.

GANJASAURUS REX-1987-This shot on video trash is supposed to be a comedy so the film makers didn't really give a shit. It's about a dinosaur that likes to eat weed. I think the actors were on something stronger than pot. It's mostly bad actors talking. Director Ursi Reynolds hasn't done anything else...as of this writing! Bad everything!

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RIP Conrad Brooks (1931-2017)

 

 (IMDB)

JAN-GEL THE BEAST FROM THE EAST-1999-A prehistoric man (Dale Clukey) frozen in ice is lost by a shipping company and comes to life. He's a bug eyed bearded, balding pot bellied oaf who wanders around scaring people and making ridiculous grunts. Sometimes he sounds constipated. He kills a few people but nothing is shown. This movie is so inept,boring and laughable. Feeble attempts at real humor fall flat. The acting, directing and editing are below sub-par. 

Director/writer Conrad Brooks (in several Ed Wood Jr. movies including PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE) plays Conrad Brooks, a Bigfoot hunter. Visible mics are everywhere. The monster kills in broad daylight and in a really crazed scene fights a rubber snake. This probably isn't as bad as Brooks' BLOOD SLAVES OF THE VAMPIRE WOLF but it's a close second. Speaking of second, Brooks made a sequel!

 (nobudgetpodcast.com)

JAN-GEL 2: THE BEAST RETURNS-2001-I have to hand it Conrad Brooks, he's made a movie worse than JAN-GEL! The big caveman returns but this time his head is bandaged and a still photo is used for his first appearance! I guess the original actor wasn't available. This thing contains the weirdest looking bunch of actors I've ever seen.

 (mondocult.com)

(Conrad Brooks and friend)

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???

 

BLOOD FARM-2018-A freak (Thomas Sunken,the executive producer) who wears a dish towel over his head and makes weird screaming noises kills people, chops up the bodies and cooks them. An amateur vigilante SWAT team is hunting him and describe him as the "legend that never dies". He seems to commit all his murders in broad daylight so I don't see why finding him is such a problem. He has some weird flashbacks and later puts on a blue wig and suspenders and terrorizes two team members. The night time scenes are like a YouTube ghost video. 

Ganon Gorder, the writer-director plays one of the hun-ters. This annoying, boring, hopeless mess was filmed in Iowa.

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Low Budget Vampires

THE CARETAKERS-2014-After a weird looking guy named Jack (Nick Faust) shoots another guy in the head, a dweeb named Jimmy (Michael Coon) kills an old woman. He chains up Rachel, either his sister or wife or both. Later he kills a guy in a men's room and we learn he's giving the victims' blood to Rachel because she's a vampire. Meanwhile Jack is the caretaker for the vampire and he must train a father and daughter to take his place...well..something like that.

 Bill Johnson (Leatherface TCSM2) has a small role. It's boring and the acting, direction and sfx stink and to top it all off Joe Estevez is in it too! Director Steve Hudgins has made lots of shot on video crap under his Big Biting Pig Productions banner.

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Ugh!

DEAD BODY MAN-2004-This is a shot on video “horror-comedy”. It begins with a guy pretending he's learning impaired so he can pick up a hooker. He takes her home, kills her, skins her face off then goofs around with it while endlessly chattering nonsense. He's a necrophiliac killer who hears God's voice in his closet. He also has a symbiotic BASKETCASE like creature attached to his torso. He attends a therapy group for serial killers run by some asshole. Ha-ha! So funny!

He kills some women but mostly he just rants stupidly and later cuts off the creature and buries it (it comes back to life at the end). He gives his dog (actually a piece of meat with a dog collar wrapped around it) and a chain to a little kid and declares that the kid is the new Dead Body Man. And walks away unpunished. Oh yeah, I'm rolling with laughter....

The director of this junk Ryan Cavalline (he was also the writer/producer/cinematographer) actually had the audacity to make at least two sequels! 

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Bad Movie

SLAUGHTER-2008-Terrible shot on video nonsense about a pasty face guy named Harold (he looks like a cross between Teddy Roosevelt and the native assassin/servant in THE FOUR SKULLS OF JONATHAN DRAKE) who hires internet models, kills them and then posts the gory photos on his snuff website. Meanwhile a female PI uses a victim's computer to track him down. There's death by baseball bat, electrocution, razor and gun with a lot of nude bloody bodies. One woman blinks after being shot to death. Harold calls his website “The Slaughtered Sheep” but the PI refers to it several times as “The Slaughtered Lamb”. Later the ghosts of his victims rise out of his computer and kill him. Bad acting, direction and SFX. 

The director Anthony Doublin made a few other video horror films but was mostly a lighting technician on low budget horror movies and the TV series “Robot Chicken”. 

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UK Crap

SKYGGEN-THE MIND OF A KILLER-2006-Take my advice please! Don't bother with this terrible shot on video garbage about some guy in England with amnesia who is suspected of being a serial killer. Sometimes a mysteriously laughing guy shows up. Everybody is killed and confused flashbacks show the guy was abused as a child. It's all talk, bad acting, direction and editing by star/writer/director Jemshaid Ashraf and goes on forever. This guy read too many Stephen King novels (well, there are too many Stephen King novels...but anyway....) They show outtakes too! 

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Seeing Is Believing

BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL-1984-Some movies really have to be seen to be believed. When I tell people about this thing they usually look at me strangely (well, stranger than they usually look at me). That's why I don't tell anyone about this..um..movie anymore. Fortunately when I first saw it , I was with my friend Tony so I have a witness. 

This shot on video insanity is about a religious but sexually repressed woman (Shirley L. Jones) who after some endless conversations about religion, dating and sex visits a doll shop and buys a strange puppet (it looks like the popular Jerry Mahoney but with dark skin and dreadlocks) that the store keeper says can grant the owner's “heart felt wish”. She buys it, takes it home and puts it on the toilet bowl where she proceeds to strip and take a shower. The puppet comes to life and watches her. He (it?)attacks her (his first works are “how do you like that,bitch?”) and ties her to a bed (some scenes of his feet and hands are obviously a little kid). She yells “Untie me, you wooden headed bastard!”. He abuses and rapes her but she decides she likes it! 

Seeing a puppet having sex with a grown woman is pretty strange. It's not a quick scene. It goes on for a while! 

The next day the puppet is gone. She searches the house (“Mr. Wonderful, where are you?”) but he's nowhere to be found. She throws her bible away and seduces a street hustler who grunts and groans but she's just bored. Later she goes to Elmo's bar and picks up a guy. They have sex but once again she is unfulfilled. She gets the puppet back and pleads for sex but the dummy is unresponsive until she tries to destroy it. A toy rabbit playing cymbals is featured in the bonkers ending. 

 While I've seen many shot on video horror films. BDDFH takes the cake. It comes right off a hand held camcorder with very little editing. The stop and start button being the most commonly used device. There's a way too loud Casio like musical soundtrack that at times obscures the dialogue. It's offensive, embarrassing and hilarious. Especially when you take time to think that adults made and acted in it! The writer/director Chester N. Turner remains a mystery man. No one seems to know anything about him except he made one other “feature” called TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE (also with Jones). Rumors say he was killed in a car accident in the early '90's.

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Warning! Double Bad Feature

JEN-GAL-3-THE HILLBILLY MONSTER-2003-Conrad Brooks has to be stopped! Much like BLOOD SLAVES OF THE VAMPIRE WOLF this was shot on video using strange looking non-actors who just stand or sit around talking. Nothing happens! A weird looking “ape boy” escapes from a circus freak show, prowls around a cemetery and gets his foot caught in a bear trap. A doctor in charge of a sanitarium (where all the actors actually came from?) takes him in.

Meanwhile, “the monster’s” adopted father, the circus owner and the police search for him. That’s it! And it's actually a sequel! So beware of parts 1 and 2.

On the same DVD is another Brooks’ atrocity called GRANDPARENTS FROM OUTER SPACE. If it’s possible it might be worse but at least it’s short. Pot bellied Brooks and his real life wife star as aliens looking for their grandchildren. It’s a pretty pathetic talkfest with very bad acting, editing and sound.



CANNIBAL HOOKERS-1987-Part of the “I Dance On Your Grave” series. Some cannibal hookers reside in a castle with a Tor Johnson like servant cleverly named Lobo. They lure men to the castle then chop them up and eat parts of them. A girl pledging a sorority gets involved with them but a detective saves the day (sort of). It’s very disjointed, badly edited and the acting is terrible. This was low budget director Donald Farmer’s second outing. He went on to churn out many weird low budget direct to video quickies including SAVAGE VENGEANCE, VAMPIRE COP and SPACE KID.

"To me absurdity is the only reality"-Frank Zappa

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