Martial Arts Vs. Vampires

 

 (themoviedatabase)

LEGEND OF THE SEVEN GOLDEN VAMPIRES-1974-Transylvania 1804. A guy named Kan (Shen Chan) who once presided over the 7 Golden Vampires visits Dracula's castle to ask the king of vampires to help him resurrect the group. Dracula (John Forbes-Robinson) has a better idea. He possesses Kan's “image” and decides to resurrect the 7 himself. After the credits, in Chung King 100 years later, Prof. Van Helsing (who else but Peter Cushing) lectures on the Seven Vampires and his encounters with Dracula. The “sophisticated” Chinese students ridicule him but one student Hsi Ching (David Chiang) visits the professor at night to apol-ogize. He definitely believes in the legend as his grandfather destroyed one of the vampires. He wants Van Helsing to accompany him and his 6 brothers to the village where the remaining 6 vampires rule. Meanwhile, Van Helsing's son Leland (Robin Stewart) gets into trouble with local gangster Leung Hon, when he agrees to escort widowed world traveler Vanessa Buren (Julie Ege) home. They are saved by 2 of Hsi's brothers. Vanessa agrees to finance their expedition provided she's allowed to go. Under the protests of the elder Van Helsing, she is allowed. 

Right off the bat, they are attacked by Hon's gang. The brothers (each has a specialty) plus their lone sister Mei Kwei (Szu Shih) defeat the gang and Hon gets an arrow through his neck. Later, in the village, the group battles the remaining 6 vampires and their undead army. They destroy 3 more then get ready for a final showdown. There's a big violent martial arts battle that ends tragically for some. After the final vampire is put down, Van Helsing meets his arch enemy. Dracula's disintegration scene seems longer than their actual battle. 

This has a little of everything: martial arts, weapons, vampires, walking dead, nudity, dismemberment. No classic but not the shit show it is sometimes described as. However, this was Hammer co-production with The Shaw Brothers studio and there were a lot of “communication prob-lems” between the two directors on the film, the English Roy Ward Baker and the Chinese Cheh Chang. A sequel was planned but poor box office performance shelved that idea.

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Revoke Her Visa!

 

 (tmdb)

EMANUELLE IN AMERICA-1977-Low budget sex-oriented junk with fashion photographer Emanuelle (Laura Gemser) getting involved with a white slavery ring and snuff films while taking off her clothes at the drop of a hat. As usual Gemser's then husband Gabrielle Tinti co-stars. Pretty badly made, this Italian production was directed by Joe D'Amato (ANTROPOPHAGUS (1980), ABSURD (1981) and many other titles with the name Emanuelle in them).

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Urge To Fast Forward

 

 (imdb)

URGE TO KILL-1989-A record producer Bono (Peter Gordeno) invites a would-be singer back to his swinging pad for some hi jinks. His place has cameras everywhere and a computer nicknamed "Sexy" controls everything. After a night together, the producer leaves and the singer invites her friend over. After a massage, things go awry. The singer is scalded to death in the shower and her friend is burned to ashes by a tanning machine. Later Bono has his girlfriend Jane (Sarah Hope Walker) and two other women over. After frolicking in a bubble bath, the two women disappear. Other weird things happen and it seems Sexy has taken over. The computer later manifests herself as a green woman who kills Bono by throwing him into the computer monitor. 

Featuring nudity, cat fights and mud wrestling, this movie sucks! The director Derek Ford made many sexploitation movies in England, wrote several books and came to a bad end, dying in 1993 at the age of 62.

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Curiouser and Curiouser

 

 (imdb)

THE CURIOUS FEMALE-1970-In the far future where Los Angeles is a floating island and the world is controlled by "The Great Computer" a group of groovy swingers (including Angelique Pettyjohn) wearing underwear watch some movies in secret (all movies are banned). This innocuous badly made soft core porn probably wasn't even funny when it first released. 

Director Paul Rapp had worked for Roger Corman and was assistant director on films like BOXCAR BERTHA, THE TRIP, THE TERROR and others.

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Cannibal Horror

 

LAST CANNIBAL WORLD (aka JUNGLE HOLOCAUST)-1977-Searching for oil, Robert Harper (Massimo Foschi) and his friends Rolf (Ivan Rassimov), Charlie (Sheik Razak Shikur) and Swan (JudyRosly) crash land in a jungle in The Philippines. While contending with alligators and boas, they explore. At night Swan disappears. The men search for her and Charlie is impaled by an obvious trap.Later the guys spy a group of savage cavemen like cannibals enjoying a guest. They assume it's Charlie so they go off and build a raft to escape but a rapids and a rock put an end to that and Rolf's life. Robert is now all alone in the cannibal jungle! After wandering, eating poison mushrooms and vomiting, the natives capture him, chain him to a rock and tear off all his clothes (warning: full frontal male nudity). After he survives a fall (they wanted to see if he could fly) he's put in a pit and native kids piss on him. A native woman  (Me Me Lai) seems to take a liking to him. A snake eats a bat and the bizarre savages disembowel a crocodile. Robert manages to escape his prison and run away, forcibly taking the native girl with him. While running through the jungle they see a woman give birth. After an encounter with leeches the girl runs away. He pursues her. When he catches her he punches her, slaps her, bloodies her nose and rapes her doggy style. She seems to have a change of heart though and later brings him food. Seeking shelter from a storm, they hide in a cave and find Rolf alive but wounded. The trio wander some, can't attracted a helicopter looking for them and almost get eaten by crocodiles. Despite their best efforts, the tribe catches up with them. They kill the girl, eviscerate her, cook her entrails and eat them. Near the end Robert fights and kills one of the natives and eats his heart. He and Rolf (who takes a spear in the chest) make it back to the plane but Rolf dies. Said to be based on a true story. This cannibal craziness was directed by Ruggero Deodato who later made another exploitative cannibal movie CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST and other violent low budget dreck. Lamberto Bava is credited with script continuity.

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Captive Women

 (amazon.com)

WOMEN'S CAMP 119-1977-Sleazy Italian production with Nazis subjecting female prisoners to various torture and experiments. Nude women are whipped, gassed and experimented on. A bald headed male lunatic prisoner feels up two women and another is forced to kiss an officer's boots. Meanwhile the broken Dr. Miesel (Nello Rivie) and his new assistant, a prisoner stand around watching other doctors operate. Women are forced to rub against a soldier who was frozen and he comes back to life. When the bald lunatic attacks a prisoner she's saved by a lesbian doctor who molests her. Women are also used to entice gay soldiers and turn them straight. 

Director Bruno Mattei besides making a few other sleazy exploitative “women in prison” movies also made several horror movies featuring zombies (sometimes under the pseudonym “Vincent Dawn”).

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Caged Heat

 

CAGED HEAT-1974-Jackie Wilson (Erica Gavin) is arrested in a drug bust and sent to a woman's prison where she meets Belle (Roberta Collins) and Pandora (Ella Reid). The place is run by a hung up wheelchair bound warden McQueen (Barbara Steele) and a pipe smoking doctor (Warren Miller). She puts Pandora in solitary because she had a picture of her boyfriend in her cell. They pick fruit, have fights in the showers and walk around topless. Jackie's cellmate is lifer Levelle (Cheryl Rainbeaux Smith). 

When one inmate Maggie (Juanita Brown) tries to rebel, Jackie is also blamed. They are sent for CPT where the sadistic pipe smoking doctor gives them shock treatments as punishment. Later Jackie and Maggie revolt, steal a truck and then a police car. They almost get arrested for prostitution when they meet up with Maggie's friend Crazy Alice (Lynda Gold). Meanwhile the ⁰doc rapes the comatose Belle (and cries about it). Maggie and Jackie go back for revenge and a bloody shootout caps the finale.

This was screenwriter (and future Oscar winner) Jonathan Demme's debut as a director and also features a soundtrack written and performed by John Cale. I've read Michael Bloomfield plays guitar buon it but I'm not so sure...

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Hit Casey

HIT MAN-1972-Crazy blaxpoitation film with a lawyer Tyrone Tackett (Bernie Casey; also in the TV horror movie GARGOYLES the same year) investigating his brother's death. He locks horns with wimpy gangster Huey (Roger E. Mosley) and gets involved with porno movies when he discovers his niece Rochelle (Candy All) is an actress in them. He also crosses path with a white gangster Zito (Don Diamond; Crazy Cat on the '60's TV show F-TROOP). A stand out funny role is delivered by Sam Laws as Sherwood, a friend of the dead guy. Pam Grier (after roles in THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE and THE BIG BIRD CAGE) is featured as a prostitute (going topless) who winds up getting eaten by a tiger!

This is full of characters (especially Casey) in  outrageous outfits and terrible hip dialogue ("I Have not yet to get on your case,brother"). A disgusting highlight is an illegal dog fight. It's pretty stupid but still entertaining. John Lupton appears briefly as the director of a commercial. Director George Armitage later made VIGILANTE FORCE and GROSSE POINTE BLANK.

It's based on the novel JACK'S RETURN HOME by Ted Lewis  which was also the basis for the 1971 fim GET CARTER. Marilyn Joi (using the name Tracy Ann King) is also in it.

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Scooby Do Be Doooooooo!

SATURDAY MORNING MYSTERY-2012-This is a weird dark ghost hunters investigating a haunted house  film but the four lead characters seem to be based on those in the cartoon series SCOOBY DOO! Although it features sex, nudity and swearing. There's a pet dog (named Hamlet) too but he just acts like a real dog. The group sets up cameras and goes about exploring. The Shaggy character (who also has drugs) watches two of his partners having sex. When it appears they might actually have found a ghost it turns out they are on acid that the ersatz Shaggy hid in their water cooler. This also helps explain the characters bird brain antics. After some BLAIR WITCH  type chase scenes the dog is eaten and there's a bloody decapitation. The guys are killed. A local sheriff (who had told the group early about the legend of the house) comes to the rescue of the two girls but in the movies stupidest scene he's captured climbing over a wall (and later tortured). The vicious deeds are done by Mona & Frankie , a brother and sister who's parents were accused of killing them after they disappeared but in fact they were hiding out somewhere in the house the whole time and are now crazy killers. This picks up steam as it goes on and despite it's derivative story line it's suspenseful and well directed. I was actually surprised at the typical cliche' ending. This was director Spencer Parsons second full length film.

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Strange '60's Thing...

SCARE THEIR PANTS OFF!-1968-A woman is attacked on the street at night. She is saved by a guy who takes her home and then drugs her. She wakes up in a chair where someone in an iron mask and hood talks to her in a Darth Vader like voice. They have sex while the guy who rescued her watches from another room. When the dude takes off his mask his face looks like it was smeared with oatmeal. After the girl faints it's revealed his scarred face was a mask too. Later in a diner, the guy puts something in a woman's drink and she passes out. The guy pretends to be a doctor and somehow the woman wind ups where the previous one was. Only this time the other guy is wearing a fake wig and mustache and a toga talking about a sacrifice to their god. The other guy comes out and does a really weird dance before raping her. Later they drug another woman in a taxi and submit her to a Nazi like interrogation. 

Apparently the two idiots kidnap the women to play out stupid fantasies and then pack them in the back seat of a car send them off to The Statue of Liberty! They go off to plan their next kidnapping. The End. Most of this has the feel of a depraved unfunny comedy short. Filmed in NYC by writer/director John Maddox who also worked on the music documentary MONTEREY POP. Producer Ronald Sullivan went on to make hundreds of porno movies (sometimes under the name Henri Pachard).

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Creature

CREATURE-2011-Three obnoxious couples heading for New Orleans take a detour and wind up being terrorized by some insane hillbillies while a swamp creature (who was once a man) prowls around killing. It's later revealed that one of the guys on the road trip is actually part of clan and is leading the others to a spot so the inbred crackers can perform a blood sacrifice. This is sort of a rip-off of Rob Zombie's HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES and in the movie's only highlight Sid Haig plays a character similar to his "Capt. Spauding" in 1000!

There's nudity and gore but there's also a lot of yelling and the ending is ridiculous. It's the only movie (so far) directed by Fred Andrews, a TV production designer.

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Seeing Is Believing

BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL-1984-Some movies really have to be seen to be believed. When I tell people about this thing they usually look at me strangely (well, stranger than they usually look at me). That's why I don't tell anyone about this..um..movie anymore. Fortunately when I first saw it , I was with my friend Tony so I have a witness. 

This shot on video insanity is about a religious but sexually repressed woman (Shirley L. Jones) who after some endless conversations about religion, dating and sex visits a doll shop and buys a strange puppet (it looks like the popular Jerry Mahoney but with dark skin and dreadlocks) that the store keeper says can grant the owner's “heart felt wish”. She buys it, takes it home and puts it on the toilet bowl where she proceeds to strip and take a shower. The puppet comes to life and watches her. He (it?)attacks her (his first works are “how do you like that,bitch?”) and ties her to a bed (some scenes of his feet and hands are obviously a little kid). She yells “Untie me, you wooden headed bastard!”. He abuses and rapes her but she decides she likes it! 

Seeing a puppet having sex with a grown woman is pretty strange. It's not a quick scene. It goes on for a while! 

The next day the puppet is gone. She searches the house (“Mr. Wonderful, where are you?”) but he's nowhere to be found. She throws her bible away and seduces a street hustler who grunts and groans but she's just bored. Later she goes to Elmo's bar and picks up a guy. They have sex but once again she is unfulfilled. She gets the puppet back and pleads for sex but the dummy is unresponsive until she tries to destroy it. A toy rabbit playing cymbals is featured in the bonkers ending. 

 While I've seen many shot on video horror films. BDDFH takes the cake. It comes right off a hand held camcorder with very little editing. The stop and start button being the most commonly used device. There's a way too loud Casio like musical soundtrack that at times obscures the dialogue. It's offensive, embarrassing and hilarious. Especially when you take time to think that adults made and acted in it! The writer/director Chester N. Turner remains a mystery man. No one seems to know anything about him except he made one other “feature” called TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE (also with Jones). Rumors say he was killed in a car accident in the early '90's.

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Nudie Cuties

NUDE ON THE MOON-1961-Infamous nudie exploitation film from Doris Wishman, perhaps the only female nudie director in film history.

Two stupid scientists (one young, one older) fly to the moon and encounter a race of women who wander around topless. The pair take photos and make notes while the girls show off their “moon boobs”. Their leader talks by telepathy and the young egghead falls for her. A song “I’m Mooning Over You” plays every time they meet. It’s sung by Tony Sandler who later was half of the popular ‘60’s sing duo Sandler & Young.

This color production is well photographed and the post-synch dialogue (a standard in Wishman films) is done better than usual. It was filmed in Miami.

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Awful Spring

OFFSPRING-2009-This one is about the cannibalistic offspring of some lighthouse operator that terrorize a town in Northern Maine (but it was filmed in Michigan). Canadian actor Art Hindle plays a alcoholic ex-police officer who heads a local force to hunt down the killers (they also speak their own language) who like to steal babies. It's very nasty, not very well made and the cannibals are unintentionally funny sometimes. It was kind of like THE HILLS HAVE EYES hits the suburbs and features gore and nudity. It's based on a novel by Jack Ketchum (he also wrote the screenplay) who's other novels RED and THE GIRL NEXT DOOR were made into films. Director Andrew van den Houten also made a movie called HEADSPACE.

3 By Franco

Filmmaker Jess Franco is a prolific, enigmatic director. If you think Woody Allen and Robert Altman made a lot of movies, well Franco leaves them both in the dust.

At his peak in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s his most exploitative films usually feature murder, blood, a wild jazz score, nudity and many of the same cast members. Occasionally he’s gotten some name stars to appear in his films.

In 1962 he created a horror character called Dr. Orloff who would reappear in many future films. Even Orloff’s servant Morpho showed up in other films (at least in name)! But his films suffered from low budgets, rushed filming, bad dubbing, censors and Franco’s insistent use of zoom senses. He used numerous pseudonyms and several versions of one movie were sometimes released for different countries! Some sources claim hardcore sex scenes were even added to some versions! Much of his output seemed obsessed with The Dracula Legend (and vampires in general), sadomasochism and lesbian love scenes. He’s still going strong today making films with names like KILLER BARBYS VS. DRACULA and BAD DAY AT THE CEMETERY but his output has decreased considerably. The following three movies were all made around the same time in 1971. This was the year after Franco made a fairly competent version of DRACULA and the imfamous EUNGENIE...AND THE STORY OF HER JOURNEY INTO PERVERSION.



SHE KILLED IN ECSTASY-1971-A scientist working with hormones and embryos (it almost sounds like stem cell research!) is rejected by 4 of his colleagues. He can’t accept the rejection and goes crazy, eventually committing suicide. His wife (Franco regular Soledad Miranda) takes revenge. She seduces the three men (Howard Vernon, Paul Muller and director Franco himself) then stabs and castrates them. The fourth is a woman who she also seduces then suffocates with a pillow. Later she drives off a cliff with her dead hubby beside her. The story isn’t much but this is a Jess Franco movie so there’s a loud jazz score to keep you interested and everyone wears bright clothing.



VAMPYROS LESBOS-1971 –This is the cult movie Franco made around the same time as SKIE and it seems to have the same musical score. Nadine, the daughter of Dracula (Soledad Miranda again) sets her sights on Linda who seeks the help of Dr. Seward (Franco regular Dennis Price) because she thinks it’s all a dream. Nadine and another woman do a nude erotic dance twice. The nude scenes of Nadine and Linda probably caused a stir at the time but I’m not sure if this was even released in the US in 1971 ! Paul Mueller and Franco are also in it.


THE DEVIL CAME TO ALAKASA-1971-This is a more typical Franco mess…er…movie. A scientist and his wife have a legendary stone that among other things can kill people exposed to it. Fred Williams (Jonathan Harker in Franco's production of DRACULA the year before) plays a Scotland Yard detective who investigates. He’s aided by another agent (Franco) and eventually helps and falls in love with an undercover government agent (Miranda) who’s posing as a stripper.

Meanwhile, a wheelchair bound Lord (Walter Rilla) and his mysterious servant (Howard Vernon) lurk in the background. Lots of people are killed in the confused plot that is hampered by bad dubbing and editing. Also the characters do and say things that I wasn’t really sure were intentional humor or not! Miranda was killed in a car accident soon after this was completed (maybe before as the ending seems tacked on).

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AKA: Horror on Snape Island

TOWER OF EVIL-1972-A stodgy group of English paleontologists go to the mysterious Snape Island to investigate when a Phoenician sword is found after a woman seems to have gone insane and murdered her 3 friends there. A private investigator (Bryant Haliday) goes along too because he doesn’t believe the woman was really insane. Jill Haworth (also in the English made HORROR HOUSE and THE MUTATIONS) co-stars. There’s a lot of talk and bickering about sex and infidelity. The film features an unusual amount of nudity and gore for the time (including a severed head rolling across the floor).

Although star Haliday was a well known London stage actor at the time, he only made 6 movie appearances including DEVIL DOLL, CURSE OF THE VOODOO and THE PROJECTED MAN. He died in Paris in 1996.

Director Jim O'Connolly had made BERSERK (with Joan Crawford) and VALLEY OF THE GWANGI (with Ray Harryhausen SFX) previously.

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Worth It!

DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE-1980-In this psycho-slasher horror flick the underrated Nicolas Worth plays Kirk Smith a deranged Vietnam vet/photographer who strangles women then takes pictures of them. He even calls a radio psychiatrist (Flo Gerrish) and talks with a Hispanic accent. Later he later convinces a prostitute to call the station and while she's talking to the doctor he kills her. James Westmoreland and Ben Frank play two wise ass detectives trying to solve the murders. I think they were trying to imitate Starskyand Hutch but they are more like Dumb and Dumber.

Worth (who died in 2007 at age 69) gives a tour de force performance, crying, laughing and talking to himself in a mirror. In a stand-out scene he talks to his "father" about how he beat up a pimp. The rest of the acting (made up mostly of TV actors and actresses) isn't as interesting and the story is quite sick (most of the victims die topless) and drags when Worth's not around but his performance makes it worth seeing. (No pun intended)

This was the only movie made by director Robert Hammer. The worst part is that while Smith is a crazed vicious killer the two cops act like jerks and aren't very likable.

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They're Not Hookers From Heaven

VIRGINS FROM HELL-1987-Outrageous out of control action film from Indonesia has scantily clad women on motorcycles battling the criminal activities of Mr. Tiger and his gang.

Two sisters who lead them want revenge because Tiger killed their parents. When the ladies launch one last siege against Tiger’s stronghold they are all captured and imprisoned. They are mostly abused by their male guards although the commander is a lesbian with a facial tattoo (“Get off me, you lesbo!”). Some are used as guinea pigs for a aphrodisiac drug Tiger is creating. In one nasty scene he whips two of the women who are handcuffed together. Despite the violence (one woman is put in a body bag with a live rat, another is roasted on a spit), gore (a guard is injected with a drug that causes him to melt) and crude subject matter it’s all quite cartoonish and funny, maybe due to the weird English dubbing and sound effects. In one gross scene a mystic sticks a snake into a gapping wound (for some reason…). Later, a martial artist/scientist (who had been force into making the drug) escapes and helps get revenge.

Director Ackyl Anwari made many Indonesia based films like this including ANGEL OF FURY with Cynthia Rothrock. (Thanks to my friend Tony for giving me this!)

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Weird Tragedy

ELECTRA MY LOVE-(1974)-This is a very unusual adaptation of the Greek tragedy ELECTRA and ORESTES, made in Hungary. 

It uses long uninterrupted camera shots and weird symbolic scenes (including dwarfs with cymbals and much nudity) that look like Alejandro Jodorowsky could have influenced them! (He made THE HOLY MOUNTAIN in ’73) Occasionally a modern day folksinger shows up and sings! It also features anachronistic props like a helicopter and guns! Did Alex Cox see this movie??

Very slow and arty but occasionally fascinating..

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you"....Oscar Wilde

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