Not A Gas

 

 (amazon.com)

GASS-S-S-S-1970-A gas accidentally released kills anyone over 25! Coel (Robert Cuff, a very bad actor) is a dumb hippie who with his girlfriend Cilla (Elaine Giftos) roams the country meeting other freaks (portrayed by Ben Vereen, Bud Cort, Cindy Williams, Talia Shire, et. al.). Edgar Allan Poe rides around on a motorcycle and comments on the plot. Country Joe and The Fish make an appearance and provided the soundtrack. 

This was Roger Corman's last directorial effort for AIP and he said the studio cut the last scene where God appears. I'm not sure what the point of this movie is. Some kind of satire, maybe? The acting is terrible. It's been called Corman's most personal film. He should have kept it to himself. Screenwriter George Armitage later directed VIGILANTE FORCE (1976) and GROSSE POINTE BLANK (1997).

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RIP Herschell Gordon Lewis

 

 (imdb)

THE UH-OH SHOW-2009-Herschell Gordon Lewis (who appears telling gory stories to some kids) kind of updated his original “gore” movies (like THE WIZARD OF GORE) with his black comedy that's not very good. 

A late-night cable station called “The Uh-Oh Show” offers huge prizes to contestants who can answer questions correctly. However, if they answer incorrectly, a wheel is spun and a part of their body is hacked off. It features loud obnoxious characters, not so great acting and of course disgusting but not very convincing sfx. 

It's supposed to be a comedy I guess but the laughs are few and far between. This was writer/director Lewis' last feature film (he passed away in 2016 at age 90). 

Troma's Lloyd Kaufman has a small role as a pimp.

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Mercy!

 (imdb)

ALMOST MERCY-2015-This may be a “black comedy” but it's really just a sick excuse for some jerk (probably with a mother fixation) to make a crap horror movie. It's about a teenager named Emily (Danielle Guldin) who becomes a sociopath killer. The acting and direction both suck. Kane Hodder is a gym teacher, Bill Moseley is a pastor and pro wrestler Tommy Dreamer is in it too. 

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RIP/Mesa Mess

RIP:

https://www.tokyoweekender.com/japan-life/news-and-opinion/kenji-ohba-dies-at-72/

 (imdb)

MESA OF LOST WOMEN-1953-While a narrator (Lyle Talbot) talks about “foolish bipeds”, in Mexico oil surveyor Frank (John Martin) and his assistant Mulcahey (Richard Travis) find two people wandering aimlessly in “the desert of death”. He takes them to an American “Doc” Tucker (Allan Nixon) at the oil plant. The guy, who's a pilot named Grant Phillips (Robert Knapp), rants about “super bugs” and Dr. Aranya, which upsets Mexican guide Pepe (Chris Pin-Martin in his last role). Phillips then relates his story but is interrupted by the narrator who tells the story of Dr. Masterson (Harmon Stevens), who goes all by himself in suit and tie to visit Dr. Aranya's desert lair. Aranya (a very skinny Jackie Coogan with goggle glasses and a wart) uses some kind of tarantula hormone to make “super female spiders with a thinking and reasoning brain that one day might rule the world!”. Masterson doesn't go for the doctor's experiments and winds up in a Mexican asylum but he escapes and goes to a local dive, looking very deranged and acting strange after meeting businessman Jan (Nico Lek) and his fiancé, Doreen (Paula/Mary Hill). 

Somehow one of the spider women, Tarantella (Tandra Quinn; in THE NEANDERTHAL MAN the same year) is a dancer there. Phillips also shows up followed by Masterson's male nurse George (usual ape impersonator George Barrows). While Tarantella is performing, Masterson shoots her. She seems to die. Masterson then forces Phillips to fly everyone, including Jan's manservant Wong (Samuel Wu), to Aranya's hideout. They don't make it, crashing in a nearby forest (?) where the insect women and 2 dwarves (John George and Angelo Rossitto) hang around watching the group. After George is killed, it's revealed Woo is working for Aranya but when he makes his report, the mad scientist has him killed. After Jan is killed by a giant spider, the remaining passengers are taken to Aranya who revivies Masterson to his normal self. Before the future Uncle Fester can do anymore harm, Masterson concocts an explosive to destroy all the heinous goings on. Only Phillips and Doreen (who earlier declare their love) escape. But some of the women are still around... 

MESA OF LOST WOMAN began production in 1951 by one Herbert Trevos. Either the movie was never finished, or the finished product was so bad it never saw the light of day. Either way, a year or so later, Ron Ormond (who was making low budget westerns with Lash LaRue at the time) either bought the film or was hired to “do something with it”. Apparently, the characters of Aranya and his spider babes was added footage. 

Original director Trevos was quite a mystery man at one time. So much so, that some came to believe MESA may have actually been directed by Ed Wood Jr. since there are several “Wood connections”, ie: narrator Talbot, Dolores Fuller and Mona McKinnon are 2 of the spider women) but in recent times, thanks to a letter from his own son, it seems Trevos was a real person who had worked for ADGA in Germany and the US. This was his only effort. The weird musical interludes were written by Hoyt Curtin who later wrote many famous cartoon themes like “The Flintstones”, “The Jetsons”, “Huckleberry Hound” and “Johnny Quest”. His music for MESA wound up a year later in Ed Wood's JAILBAIT! Screenwriter Orville Hampton (THE FOUR SKULLS OF JONATHAN DRAKE (1959)) is said to have been a co-writer (with Trevos) but is only credited as “dialogue supervisor”. 

Everyone should see this fiasco at least once because seeing is believing!

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Holy Bananas! It's A Girl's Leg!

 

 (imdb)

 COLOR ME BLOOD RED-1965-Frustrated painter Adam Sorg (Don Joseph aka Gordon Oas-Helm) insults a pompous art critic and has contempt for his fans. He's a kind of a jerk who doesn't think much of the gallery owner who exhibits Sorg's hideous paintings. When his girlfriend cuts herself and bleeds on his canvas, he finds just the right shade of red he was looking for. She won't let him use anymore blood, so he cuts himself and paints with his own blood. This weakens him considerably so to finish his painting he kills his girlfriend and uses her hemoglobin. Later the art critic praises the new painting but Sorg refuses to sell it. “I would not like to be that man's psychoanalyst” quips the critic. Back home, he kills a man and woman and uses her blood to create a new masterpiece. 4 dope smoking young people go for a swim near Sorg's house. He asks one of the women to model for him and she goes at night to see him. He ties her up and plans to kill her but her friends arrive and Sorg is shot in the face. 

Sometimes referred to as the last of director Hershell Gordon Lewis' “Blood Trilogy”, this black comedy is pretty funny and the character of artist Sorg is a good psycho. It features lots of blood and bad acting. MONSTER A GO GO was released the same year and of course compared to that COLOR ME BLOOD RED seems like a big-budgeted Hollywood production. 

Lewis' next horror film would be TASTE OF BLOOD in 1967. Star Oas-Helm many years later played Manford, the butler on “The New Monkees” reboot TV flop!

 (imdb)

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They're Not Scaring Anybody

 

SCARECROWS-1988-A bunch of dumb bank robbers in a hijacked plane go to a cornfield to get their hidden loot. One of them parachutes out planning on taking the 3 million for himself. The others land the plane and go looking for him. He's killed by a scarecrow, then brought back to life and beats up some of his partners until they decapitate him. Scarecrows seem to be running around the cornfield, resurrecting dead people and borrowing their limbs. 

Sound good? It actually sucks. 

The only actor (?) I knew in it was Ted Vernon, the little bald guy from that Florida wrestling movie HAMMERHEAD JONES (1986). Co-written, produced and directed by William Wesley in Florida. Cinematographer Peter Deming had already shot EVIL DEAD 2 (1987) and went on to work with David Lynch and do many high-profile movies like the “Austin Power” series.

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Who Needs It?

 

 (themoviedatabase.org)

THE HOWLING: REBORN-2011-This boring shit has something to do with a nerdy kid and a bunch of assholes who are werewolves. There's a lot of talk, overacting and eventually some werewolves show up at the end. Obviously made to cash in on the success of the TWILIGHT franchise, this was filmed in Canada and co-written and directed by Joe Mimziki who was once an executive with Sony Pictures.

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It's War!

 

 (imdb)

BLACK ENFORCERS aka THE BLACK GESTAPO-1975-The People's Army, a black military like group formed by “white money” for “blacks to help blacks” wear red berets and arm bands. Their leader The General (Rod Perry) is sincere but his second in command, the Colonel (Charles Robinson) wants war, especially after some thugs hassle nurse Marsha (Angela Brent) and beat up one of the army's members. Later, after dirt bags Vito (Phil Hoover) and Ernie (Wes Bishop, one of the writers) beat up and rape Marsha, the Colonel and his small faction castrate Vito while he's taking a bath. His group eventually drive the wig wearing crime boss (the movie's director Lee Frost) and his gang out of town. 

The Colonel and his troops occupy a mansion and train for battle. They switch to all black uniforms and Swahili names and take over the numbers, protection and prostitution rackets. This all goes on right under the General's nose as he's too busy trying to save the neighborhood and having sex with Marsha. Eventually, the General brings them all down. Uschi Digard makes a brief appearance. 

Terrible Blaxploitation movie with a bad script and ridiculous acting. Director Lee Frost started his career in the early '60's and seemed to make every kind of exploitation film: HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN (1962), MONDO BIZARRO (1966), CHROME AND HOT LEATHER (1971), THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972) among them.

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Time Travelling On A Budget

 

 (themoviedb.org)

TIME CHASERS-1994-Nick (Matthew Bruch) invents a plane that can travel through time. Unfortunately, he signs a contract with a huge corporation GenCore who only want to exploit it for evil. A female reporter Lisa (Bonnie Pritchard) warns him but to no avail. They become lovers and have dinner in a diner in the 1950's. Later they discover a post apocalyptic future that was created when he told corporate head J.K. Robertson (George Woodward) about the plane. Nick and Lisa go back in time to try and change things. Everyone winds up during the Revolutionary War (obviously a battle reenactment). 

Low budget time travel film written and directed in Vermont by David Giancola, who later made ICEBREAKER (2000) with Bruce Campbell as a bald villain. The movie lost money but when “Mystery Science Theater 3000” picked it up, the licensing fees brought profits into the black.

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It Falls Flat

 

 (imdb)

THE FALLING-1986-3 American dweebs (Dennis Christopher, Martin Hewitt & Lynn Holly Johnson) touring Spain (where this was filmed) are terrorized by an alien monster created by space fungus from the 1973 Skylab crash. They spend most of the time acting stupid and helping a weird NASA scientist (famous Spanish actor Luis Prendes). A gas station attendant explodes and an “Alien” like creature attacks. They escape in the end but one of them becomes infected so they all die I guess, Not sure, but some scenes may have been intentionally funny. 

Directed and written by Deran Sarafian (TO DIE FOR (1988)). Producer Carlos Aured (who directed early Paul Naschy movies) had nothing good to say about this production. Lead actress Johnson was US figure skater who'd starred in the Disney flop WATCHER IN THE WOODS (1980) and had a supporting role in the James Bond flick FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981).

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Would You Like Another Potato?

 

 (imdb)

DEATHSTALKER AND THE WARRIORS FROM HELL-1988-Deathstalker (John Allen Nelson; in KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE the same year) is back and more annoying than ever. In this very cheap looking second sequel, Deathstalker meets princess Carissa (Carla Herd) who's looking for a lost city. She's killed but before she dies, she gives him a stone that if it's united with a second one will open up the secret city. Unfortunately, a weird bald headed bad guy (Thom Christopher; WIZ-ARDS OF THE LOST KINGDOM (1985)) has the other one and rants to his companion Camisarde (Terri Treas; TV's “Alien Nation”). His clothes look like they were designed by Liberace. The dead princess also has a twin sister Elizena (same actress) who's a spoiled dummy. He also meets 2 bow & arrow using sisters who like potatoes. 

Roger Corman was the executive producer of this low grade, badly acted sword and sorcery fantasy filmed in Mexico and directed by Alfonso Corona. The screenplay is by Howard Cohen who wrote the original movie and later wrote and directed DEATHSTALKER 4 in 1991.

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You Are The Devil And You Are Bad!

 

 (themoviedatabase)

PRIME EVIL-1988-A 15th century monk renounces God for Satan and kills the monks who disagree with him. In the present, a group of devil worshipers, led by Tom (William Beckwith), sacrifice the daughter of one of their members. Then a bishop and a nun have a discussion about how the nun was almost a human sacrifice when she was a girl. They agree she (Mavis Harris) should go under-cover and join the evil cult. 

Meanwhile, Cathy (Ruth Collins), an ex-junkie/hooker has sex with her new boyfriend, Sam. A psycho maintenance man breaks in, kills Sam (despite him knowing martial arts) and kidnaps the woman for the cult. Then Cathy's social worker, Alex (Christine Moore) tells her boyfriend the reason she won't have sex with him is that her father used her in porno films when she was a child. A stupid cop (Glen James) investigates Sam's murder. Unfortunately, Alex's grandfather plans on giving her to the cult for a sacrifice. During a black mass orgy, a toy monster shows up and the nun kills it. Everyone turns old but Tom gets away. The acting is bad. 

Roberta Findlay was a so-so director but she was also the Director of Photography and she excelled at that so despite all its flaws, it doesn't look bad. One of the writers, Ed Kelleher also wrote INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS (1972) and SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED (1974).

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Bad Blood

 

 (imdb)

BLOOD FEAST-2016-American Fuad Ramses (Robert Rusler from the "Babylon 5" TV show) and his wife Louise (Caroline Williams; THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2) run a diner in France, trying to put their daughter (Sophie Monk) through college. She gets mad at them because they are serving old meat. Fuad who works a night shift at a museum, stops taking his medication. One night, Egyptian Queen Ishtar (Sadie Katz) says she wants him for her lover. Through Professor Hershell (Herschell Gordon Lewis!) Fuad learns that a guy named Tammuz once killed 14 children and served them to their parents. Thus, Ishtar became his lover. Suddenly Fuad has an altar to Ishtar in his basement and is going to recreate the feast for her. 

Garbage production with terrible acting and a stupid script. Director Michael Walz needs to reevaluate his career choices.

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Kill The Video Camera

 

 (imdb)

KILL SYNDROME-2006-Shot on video garbage about some redneck assholes torturing a girl for a snuff movie. They kidnap others and torture them. The acting sucks of course. A movie like this (I'm not even sure if it is a movie) makes me wonder...

 Sure, some amateurs with a camera who've seen THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE too many times may have just wanted to make an extreme gore film because they thought it was cool but I'm not sure. 

The 2 directors might profit from mental health examinations.

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Low Budget Sc-Fi

 

 (imdb)

SPAWN OF THE SLITHIS-1978-After some neighborhood dogs are killed, a mutated sea monster created by a nuclear leak at a petroleum company prowls around. Wayne Connors (Alan Blanchard), a high school teacher, investigates. Some of the victims are intentionally comical but I'm not so sure about the rest. The acting and direction are pretty bad. A police lieutenant (Hy Pike) acts like an insane Shakespearean actor. The monster (Win Condict) looks like an overgrown mutated Ninja Turtle. Connors, his wife (Judy Motulsky), Dr. John (Dennis Falt) and boat Capt. Chris (Mello Alexandria) (who's seen JAWS too many times) go after it. 

There are some gory deaths but too much talky scientific mumbo jumbo. Writer/director Stephen Traxler later produced DRACULA'S WIDOW (1988).

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Still Another Sequel

 

 

 (themoviedb.org)

PUMPKINHEAD 4-BLOOD FEUD-2007-Stupid hillbillies, The Hatfields & The McCoys are feuding because of an incident with a car years before. When it turns out Jodie (Amy Manson), a Hatfield girl is having an affair with McCoy boy Ricky (Bradley Taylor), two Hatfield brothers (the Hatfields seem the scummier of the two) decide to break up the romance and wind up killing another McCoy daughter, Sarah (Maria Roman). Ricky visits the witch Haggis (Lynee Verell, reprising her role from Part 3) to have her summon the demon Pumpkinhead to get revenge despite the pleadings of the cursed Ed Harley (returning Lance Henriksen). 

Gory sfx, bad acting. Written and directed by Mike Hurst (HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2).

Doom is Right!

 

 (imdb)

SS DOOMTROOPER-2006-During WW2, a Nazi mad scientist (Ben Cross) creates a huge monster soldier from a man using radiation. England hires Col. Malloy (Corbin Nemec) to go behind enemy lines to destroy the compound. He assembles a bunch of Dirty Dozen wannabes to help him. 

The sfx, acting and dialogue suck. All thrown together by director David Flores (SAND OF OBIVION the same year).

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Stairway

 

 (imdb)

BLACK OPS-2019-A British military Black Ops group become trapped in a seemingly endless stairwell where something is coming up from below. A woman the asshole leader ordered killed was known as "The prophet of death" by locals. The acting and SFX are terrible in this UK production directed and written by Tom Paton.

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Waiting For The UFOs

 

 (imdb)

UFO: TARGET EARTH-1974-Researcher Alan Grimes (Nick Plakias) hears a weird phone call from the government about UFOs. He decides to investigate. He interviews lots of people about UFOs. A woman who seems to be able to channel UFO energy helps him. Out in a forest, it turns out Alan possess the energy the formless aliens need to leave Earth. 

The acting and script are below par. Director/writer Michael DeGaetano later made PROJECT: METALBEAST (1995).

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Mistress Misty

 

 (imdb)

AT THE MOVIES WITH MISTRESS MISTY-2004-After an intro by Mistress Misty (Debra Rochon) who drinks a glass of blood and has a mutant baby, there are three stories all involving werewolves.

The first is "Dark Rose: The 700 Year Itch". A vampire hunter finds a vampire and turns into a werewolf. The two fight and the werewolf wins. 

In “Sheep's Clothing”, a PI shadows a wife Gina to see if she's cheating. She doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong except shopping and talking to her minister. When the husband pretends to be away, it seems Gina is actually a werewolf, and the minister was trying to help cure her. 

In “Crying Wolf”, a bickering couple are attacked by a werewolf. The woman dies but the man is saved by some passersby. A month later a hick sheriff accuses the man of killing the woman. The guy believes he's a werewolf and wants the sheriff to lock him up. It turns out the sheriff is the original werewolf and the two battle it out for supremacy as the worst wolf man in celluloid history.

 Amateurish nonsense but Rochon seems to be having a good time. Also known as THE LUNAR PACK. It was written and directed by James Liquori.

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