Jackson Before Rings

 

 (imdb)

BAD TASTE-1989-Cannibalistic aliens invade a small town in Australia in this bloody gore filled serio-comedy with extreme slapstick. Heads explode, limbs are torn off, entrails pulled out. Four guys from a special agency discover the aliens (who disguise themselves as humans) want humans for their intergalactic fast-food chain. Future Academy Award winner Peter Jackson co-wrote and directed as well as playing the role of Derek.

Thanks for reading!

Lives Up To It's Title!

 

 (imdb)

THE ABOMINATION-1986-This low budget horror movie starts off with all the bloody Andy Milligan like gore, blood and dismemberment scenes shown all at once as a guy's nightmares. Then the guy Cody (Scott Davis) talks to a psychiatrist about how he had to kill a woman in a graveyard because "the abomination" is controlling him. He blames his mother because she watched Brother Fogg (Rex Morton), a TV evangelist. At night when Cody goes on a date, mom coughs up a tumor of some kind that's alive and later it crawls into Cody's mouth while he's asleep. He must be a sound sleeper! 

Next day Cody and his girlfriend go out drinking beer and drag racing in his pickup. Now a slimy creature lives under Cody's bed and makes him kill so the creature can have blood. Mom decides Cody needs an exorcism and goes to Brother Fogg (obviously a complete phony) and he agrees to do one. Later, in a very long scene, the creature takes over the kitchen, appearing in the cupboard, under the sink and in a washing machine and kills mom. After Fogg is eaten taking a dump, Cody dismembers another guy in a junkyard. He chases a woman in a graveyard and slits her throat. The gory (but still terrible) sfx get more disgusting as it goes on. In his kitchen he feeds body parts and entrails to Audrey....I mean to the abomination. His girlfriend comes by and kills him but the monster eats her. Mom's doc visits and becomes the new host while Cody (somehow still alive?) pleads his innocence over the closing credits. 

This is a low budget badly made little gore film that's fairly entertaining if you like senseless badly acted and directed puke films. Writer/director Bret McCormick directed one of the stories in TABLOID (1989) and made other mindless stuff.

 (imdb)

Thanks for reading!

Crap Train To Terror

 

 (imdb)

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR-1985-On a train, a terrible rock band play. Also on the train are God (un-billed Ferdy Mayne) and Satan (un-billed Tony Giorgio) who discuss various things in this low budget trilogy. 

In the first story, “The Case of Harry Bilings”, an accident victim named Harry (John Phillip Law) is turned into a weirdo who drugs women and brings them to an institution where a big doofus intern Otto (Richard Moll) rapes and dismembers them and sells their body parts. Later a female doctor lobotomizes a male doctor. Harry decapitates Otto and discovers the male doctor operating on the female doctor. I thought this might have been a misfire black comedy despite the subject matter.

Number 2: “The Case of Gretta Connors”. A musician named Greta (Merideth Hayes) is turned into a porno actress by a jerk named George (J. Martin Sellers). Glen, a preppie type sees one of Gretta's movies and falls in love with her. Somehow, he meets her and they become lovers. It turns out George is the head of “The Death Club” whose members have all had brushes with death. Something called a “Transinian Winged Beetle” (terrible animation) stings a guy to death and his eyeballs explode. They also play an electrocution game where an African American guy is burned to death. Later they play a game of death with a construction ball that looks like something from the '60's “Batman” TV show.

The third story is called “The Case of Claire Hansen”, Mr. Weiss (Marc Lawrence) enlists a police Lt. (Cameron Mitchell) and his assistant Dieter (also Marc Lawrence) to help him trap a Nazi. Then Weiss is killed by a fanged monster. Coroner Claire Hansen (Faith Cliff) examines the body. Her husband Peter is the author of the book “Is God Dead?”. A guy named Papini warns Peter the devil is coming for him. The Nazi is now the still young Mr. Oliver (Robert Bristol), a murderer sporting goat legs. The boyfriend of one of Oliver's victims tries to kill him but is crushed by a red eyed monster (terrible animation). Strange rubbery demons attack Claire but it seems to be an illusion. A priest tells her she was picked by God to battle the devil. He gives her a box and tells her to cut out Oliver's heart and put it in the box. A badly animated monster kills Papini. The Lt and Dieter are blown up. Then Oliver turns into a demon (bad puppet) and kills Peter. Somehow Claire runs Oliver down with her car and takes him to a hospital to remove his heart. Everything goes awry in the bloody operating room finale but Satan wins.

 The band plays some more but fortunately are killed when the train crashes. (but sadly, they seem to come back to life) This out of whack z budget trilogy was actually made from three full length or almost finished films and the third story actually was released in full length form as CATACLYSM. Four directors are credited but the screenwriting for all the stories go to one person, Phillip Yordan, who once won an Oscar for the screenplay of BROKEN LANCE (1954)!

Thanks for reading!

Amicus Anthology

 

 (imdb)

ASYLUM-1972-A young Dr. Martin (Robert Powell) has a job interview in an insane asylum where the head doctor Rutherford has gone insane and is now a patient. Or so says his replacement (Patrick Magee). He says if Martin can identify the loony doc from the other patients, he gets a position.

The first story, “Frozen Fear” is related by Bonnie (Barbara Parkins) and how her lover Walter (Richard Todd) murdered his wife with an ax, chopped up her body and put it in a freezer. The pieces come back to life and kill hubby. Bonnie has to fight the pieces too and winds up insane and disfigured.

Then comes the tale “The Weird Tailor”. Bruno (Barry Morse), a tailor who can't pay his rent, is visited by a Mr. Smith (Peter Cushing) who wants the tailor to make a special suit for his son. He needs the suit to bring his son back to life. After he accidentally kills Smith, Bruno wants to burn the suit. His wife (Ann Firbank) wants to call the police. Fortunately, she puts the suit on Otto the dummy. An episode of Thriller is based on the same story.

In the third story “Lucy Comes to Stay”, a woman named Barbara (Charlotte Rampling) comes to live with her stuffy brother George (James Villiers) after a mental breakdown. She has an annoyingly cheerful nurse called Higgins (Megs Jenkins). After Barbara takes some pills, her mysterious friend Lucy (Britt Eklund) shows up and convinces her that George is trying to kill her. But Lucy is just an illusion.

Last up is “Manikins of Horror”. Dr. Byron (Herbert Lom) makes little dolls that he says he can bring to life through thought control, which he does in the finale but there's a fatal twist ending for poor Dr. Martin. 

This is a cool horror anthology from Amicus with all the stories written by Robert Bloch who had performed a similar duty the year before on THE HOUSE THAT DRIPPED BLOOD. Director Roy Ward Baker's previous horror movie had been DR. JEYKLL AND SISTER HYDE (1971).

Thanks for reading!

Milligan Again

GURU THE MAD MONK-1970-In medieval times, a monk named Father Guru (Neil Flanagan) kills and tortures in the name of God at his “Lost Souls Church of Montavia”. Simpleton Karl (Paul Lieber) wants to save his girlfriend Nadja (Judith Isreal) from death so he makes a deal with Guru. If Karl can get corpses for Guru to sell to a medical college then the monk will give Karl’s beloved a potion that will appear to make her dead but she just be in a kind of coma until an antidote can revive her. Karl agrees but he has to get the drug from Olga (Jacqueline Webb), who wants human blood for her “experiments” (she's a vampire). Guru brands victims, has their hands and heads cut off, eyes burned out. He seems to have a love/hate relationship with his hunched back slave Igor (Jack Spencer) and talks to his evil self in a mirror. After he kills a stranger who wanted to repent, Nadja tries to bond with Igor. When a pregnant girl goes to Guru for help the vampire lady bites her. Then “The Holy Father” arrives with Guru’s replacement, Father Polonski. Their  conversation shows Milligan wasn't a fan of the Catholic church! When the holy one chastises Guru for taking care of the vampire woman and says Guru will be leaving, Guru kills him. Though Igor helps lead Polanski to his doom, he tries to save Nadja from Guru's molestation. For his trouble he’s nail to a wall and has his tongue cut out. Then Guru and Olga have a falling out and she tries to kill him, but he kills her her instead. Somehow Igor escapes and there's a frenzied chase up a flight of stairs. Quite comically Guru  stabs Igor to death then gets tangled in bell ringing ropes and dies. 

Like most outings by writer/director Andy Milligan this features bad acting,atrocious sfx and endless talk. Filmed in and on the grounds of a NYC church.

Thanks for reading!

More Shaw

ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN-1967-After his father is killed, Kang (Yu Wang) is taken in by a master swordsman and trains at his school. Years pass and he becomes the master's best student much to the chagrin of the other students including the master's daughter Pei (Yin-Tze Pan). In a fit of rage she chops off Kang's arm. He wanders away and is found by Xiao Man (Lisa Chiao Chiao) who nurses him back to health.. At first he's bitter but later he trains with his father's broken sword and goes about his business. Rival master swordsmen Smiling Face (Tang Ti) and Old Long Arm (Yeung Chi-hing) want to wipe out the master swordsman's school using a new weapon called a sword lock. When Pei is kidnapped, Kang saves her. This unfortunately causes some problems for Xiao Man and Kang but then he professes his love for her. Long Arm's forces attack the school and kill many of his students (one guy commits suicide). Just when things look bad Kang shows up (after killing Smiling Face with the help this dad's short sword) and kills Long Arm.. He goes back to Xiao Man leaving Pei angry and broken hearted. 

Thanks to veteran director Chang Chen it has excellent sword fights and some gore. Star Yu Wang was known in the US as Jimmy Wang. ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN was a box office winner for The Shaw Brothers and the first Hong Kong film to gross 1 million dollars! Followed by a great sequel RETURN OF THE ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN and a third unrelated entry THE NEW ONE ARMED SWORDSMAN. All three are highly recommended!

Thanks for readingM

It Strikes Again!

THE FLYING GUILLOTINE-PART 2-1976-A group of rebels are still trying to overthrow the emperor (now played by Ku Feng) who has a small army of guillotine toting men. Ma Teng (now played by Lung Ti) perfects another counter to the blades but a monk working for the emperor makes a wacky double guillotine! An all out battle caps the finale with blood and dismemberment where Ma Teng gets revenge but he and his comrades are all killed. It's so wild they needed two directors (Kang Cheng and Shan Hua) to handle it!

Another Anthology

 

 

BARRIO TALES-2012-In this anthology two morons go to a place in Mexico called Barrio to meet a drug dealer named Pedro. There they meet an old man who they insult. He tells them some stories.

The first tale is called “Maria”. A spoiled rich asshole and his equally asshole friends smoke dope, shoot pool and insult the live-in Mexican maid. The only one who gives her any slack of course is the one of Mexican descent who speaks Spanish. Later the dorks have a sex, booze and drug party. They throw the maid in the pool and she dies (hits her head?). They cover it up but but grandfather in Mexico gets bloody revenge.

In “Uncle Tio's Taco Bar”, some slackers discover the secret ingredient in the title taco stand. Parts of
his predictable story aren't bad especially when Tio (who acts like Fuad Ramses at times) goes on a rampage.

In “El Monstruo”, white trash kidnap some poor illegal immigrants and torture them. Fortunately one escapes and brings his brother and some amigos to the rescue (they are as screwed up as the white guys).

Back in the framing sequence the old man's crazy friend kills the two guys. He's not really a drug dealer. He lures Americans to be killed and eaten by poor Mexicans.

Contrary to this movies' theme not all white Americans are slacker racists who do drugs (well at least around here; I don't know how it is in LA where this was filmed).

 Director Jarret Tarnol will probably not go away.

Thanks for reading!

Germany

BLOODLUST-THE FEATURE-1977-This is a bizarre psychological drama, this time from Germany. It's about a traumatized office worker (Werner Pochath; also in Franco's DEVIL HUNTER) who has become deaf and mute after being beaten by his father as a little boy. He also saw dad molest his little sister. He seems to be a good worker but everyone at his job makes fun of him because he collects dolls (they even play a joke on him with an inflatable doll). He goes to prostitutes once in a while but can never perform and they mock him. The only person who seems to treat him nicely is a (slightly abnormal)  female neighbor who likes to dance around the building they live in but even her mother warns her to stay away from him (I don't think the character has a name and if he does I don't think it's mentioned in the film!). After she falls to her death (it almost seems like suicide) he becomes very unhinged and takes to mutilating and dismembering corpses. He even digs up the dancer's body and tries to revive it with his own blood (it doesn't work). He leaves the word mosquito at the scenes of his crimes and the press dub him "the vampire". Later he kills a couple having sex in a car and drinks their blood. Then the police arrest him. It's actually inspired by a real life German grave robber and necrophiliac.

Director Marijan David Vajda does a good job showing how the character's handicap alienates him from society and makes him the subject of ridicule (even though he can function normally it's people's ignorance and cruelty that are the real culprits) and some have hailed this as an unheralded masterpiece but I found it slow going. The version I saw was dark,choppy and badly dubbed but it has been remastered so you might want to check it out.

Thanks for reading!

Not An Elvis Remake!

THE CURSE OF EL CHARRO-2005-This typical gory mean spirited horror tale takes place in California where a young college student named Maria (Drew Mia) suffers from nightmares while coping with the suicide of her sister. Her roommate (Heidi Androl) invites her to go along with two other girls to her uncle's remote house in Arizona. Along the way the meet a hick cop who, after oral sex, takes them to a scary dark bar where a weird guy in a wheelchair sings a terrible punk metal like song. Later they meet some guys at a club (run by dwarfs) and return to the house for drinking, drugging and sex but not before Maria has a strange vision done in a super 8 black and white silent film (with title cards) relating the tale of El  Charro (executive producer Andrew Bryniarski with Danny Trejo's voice), a Mexican demon who wanted Maria's ancestor for himself but she rejected him so in retaliation he slaughtered her whole family. Before the townspeople destroyed him El placed a curse on the family bloodline and swore he'd be back. Well he keeps his promise and dismembers, hacks and kills everyone until the archangel David (James Intveld) appears and kills Charro. Unfortunately for Maria she winds up in a padded cell and blamed for all the murders. Motorhead's Lemmy has a brief bit as a priest.

This usual bloodletting nonsense was directed by Rich Ragsdale who since CHARRO has wisely only made film shorts. Much of it is too dark and the script and acting are terrible (but what else is new?). El Charro portrayer Bryniarski was Leatherface in the 2003 remake of THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (and it's later sequel). He kind of looks like a trick or treat version of pro-wrestler The Undertaker.

Thanks for reading!

One Armed Boxer

ONE ARMED BOXER-1972-Jimmy Wang Yu had previously played in 2 One Armed Swordsman movies for the Shaw Brothers. In 1972 he wrote, directed and starred in this martial arts movie with a similar title character for Raymond Chow.

Martial arts student Tien Lung (Wang Yu) gets into a fight with members of the drug dealing Hook Gang. The gang's leader Chao goes to Lung's school to punish him but instead is beat up himself by the school's leader Master Hang Tu. Humiliated, Chao plots his revenge by hiring a group of foreign mercenaries including a yogi, a Japanese teacher (with fangs) (Fei Lung) and his two students, a Tae-Kwan-Do master, a Judo expert, 2 Thai boxers and 2 Tibetan monks. The two fractions have a showdown after some Hook members kill some of Hang Tu's students. Some of the fights are funny with the Yogi running around on his hands at one point. The Japanese teacher seems the most powerful and to prove it he Karate chops Lung's arm off! Chao's men wipe out Hang Tu and his students except for Lung who crawls away (despite losing an arm and having no obvious medical care!). He's found and nursed back to health by a father and daughter (though this is shown in a series of stills!). The father puts Lung through a very painful ritual that makes his remaining arm almost invincible. He gets revenge on all of the killers in a series of great but quick fights.

Though pretty messed up by the end Wang Yu returned as Tien Lung in the sequel MASTER OF THE FLYING GUILLOTINE a few years later. This was released in the US as THE CHINESE PROFESSIONALS.

Thanks for reading!

Subway Horror

STAG NIGHT-2008-According to this nonsense 100,000 people go missing in NYC every year and no one looks for them. Maybe they are looking in the wrong place as this cannibal horror movie was filmed Sofia, Bulgaria!

Four blockheads having a bachelor party encounter 2 women on a subway. After one of the women maces one of the guys they are let off at an abandoned station. Most of them walk around endlessly and insult each other but two of them stay behind to have sex and the guy gets bitten by a homeless person. They all wind up being terrorized and killed by underground cannibal maniacs who cut up body parts and feed them to their dogs. There's dismemberment, be-headings, maulings, the usual CGI gore and enough shaky camera work to send anyone running for the Excedrin bottle.

The filmmakers obviously had no idea how the NYC subway system operates (or what it looks like) and this makes the story even more idiotic. It reminded me of the English '70's film DEATHLINE (aka RAW MEAT). This was the first movie directed by Peter A. Dowling. Warning: He's working on another!

Thanks for reading!

Evil Remake

EVIL DEAD-2013-Sam Raimi's classic low budget horror masterpiece is given the big budgeted Hollywood treatment. Some stupid young people decide to take their drug addicted friend Mia (Jane Levy) to an isolated cabin in the woods to cure her. Bad idea. No really, it's idiotic even if one of them is a nurse. After one dork reads some passages from The Book of The Dead, Mia starts acting real weird. She sees dead people, spits blood, levitates and talks in a Linda Blair/Exorcist. It sorts of copies the original in some respects but as usual with so many modern horror stories you don't about the characters, the SFX are more disgusting than horrifying and the acting sucks.  

It was the first feature made by Uruguayan director Fede Alvarez (who also co-scripted). He had previously made a Sci-Fi short ATAQUE DE PANICOL (PANIC ATTACK) which debuted on You Tube. You can see it here and decide whether it was a good enough to warrant him a debut film costing 30 million dollars:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dadPWhEhVk .


But the movie did well so I guess it doesn't matter.

Original director Sam Raimi and original producer Robert Tapert were to of the producers for this remake as well as original star Bruce Campbell (who has a cameo).

Thanks for reading!

Kinski In America

CRAWLSPACE-1986-This was one of the unfortunate starring roles for German actor Klaus Kinski in the US.

He plays Karl, an ex-doctor whose father was a Nazi. He runs a boarding house where four co-eds stay and has an elaborate duct through the place so he can spy on them. He also has a son (?) in a cage in the attic and collects various body parts from some other victims (eyes, a finger, a tongue). After a lot of peeping and acting weird Karl freaks out, puts on make-up and rants while a film of Hitler plays (“Hail Karl”, he exclaims.). Though the eccentric Kinski gives his all in the role of Karl, it’s a terrible movie. Talia Balsam plays a potential victim.

Director David Schoeller made the first (and best) PUPPET MASTER movie and directed episodes of the cable crime show SILK STALKINGS. In 1999 he made a 9-minute short PLEASE KILL MR. KINSKI about working with the nutty actor.

Thanks for reading!