Caged Boredom

 

 (istockphoto.com)

CAGED TERROR-1973-Co-workers Richard (Percy Harkness) and Janet (Elizabeth Suzuki) go to a secluded cabin but they seem to be hiking there forever. Rich acts a little nutty and Jan is sad when he shoots a rabbit. After philosophical bs and sex, they arrive at a rundown cabin. Nothing much happens until around the 54 minute mark when 2 guys, Jarvis (Leon Morenzie) & The Troubadour (Derek Lamb), show up, saying they live in the cabin. Unfortunately, one of them croons a song. Later the 2 guys leave but come back at night and Richard shoots at them. 

This movie filmed in Canada is real garbage with an ending that makes no sense. This was directed by Barrie Angus McLean and was originally called “The Golden Apples of the Sun”.

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Canadien Zombies

 

 (imdb)

CORPSE EATERS-1974-This was made in Canada by a guy who owned a drive-in. It starts off with a warning that a "green man'" will appear when something bad will happen. Then a mortician prepares a customer for display while his boss drives and rants. Then 3 couples ride around endlessly in a motorboat. When they finally stop to relax, 2 of the women go topless. They decide to visit a graveyard. A storm kicks up and they take shelter in a mausoleum. When one of the guys recites some kind of black mass prayer, the dead come back to life and attack the group. 3 are killed but one couple and a wounded guy escape. They go to a hospital where the guy dies on the operating table. The woman becomes "infected" and kills her boyfriend and a nurse. Then the alcoholic undertaker seems to be eaten by his clients but it ends with him being put in a straitjacket in a mental hospital (?). 

Director Klaus Vetter also served as cinematographer.

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Low Budget Trilogy

 

 (imdb)

GREEDY TERROR-(aka SHOCK CHAMBER)-1985-A trilogy of terror from Canada. 

1) “Symbol of Victory”-The nerdy son of corporation head is sweet on a woman who couldn't care less. He buys a love potion and tragedy results. 

2) “Southern Hospitality”- A husband & wife and two dimwitted brothers kill a guy with poison for his money and find out he was a kidnapper traveling with the ransom money. More deaths follow and the survivor gets a big surprise in the twist ending. 

3) “The Injection”-Two brothers are involved in an insurance scam. One brother is given an injection that makes him appear to be dead. But an insurance investigator seems to catch on. This is the worst of the 3 with very bad acting, stupid characters and a woman sings a terrible song. 

This was the first movie for director Steve DiMarco who later directed a lot of cable TV.

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O Canada, This Werewolf Movie Sucks

WOLVES-2014-A guy Cayden (Lucas Till) finds out he's a werewolf, kills some people and runs away. Later he's taken under the wing of a farmer named John (Stephen McHattie). Then Cayden winds up in a community of werewolves run by Connor (Jason Momoa), the last of the pure breed wolves. It turns out Connor is Cayden's father but later in the crazy out of control finale it's revealed John is responsible for all the mayhem. This Canadian production seems more like a pilot for a TV series (ripped off from WEREWOLF and THE HOWLING). It was written and director by actor/screenwriter David Hayter (X-MEN, X-MEN 2, THE SCORPION KING). 

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My Little Talent

MY LITTLE EYE-2002-6 losers win a chance to make 1 million dollars each if they can all stay together in a secluded cabin for 6 months. The whole thing is being video taped for a reality show. Yeah, right. It becomes obvious they are being manipulated but by whom? Does it matter? Bradley Cooper plays a guy who shows up mid-way through the story to have sex with one of the women. Boring ugly nonsense shot in Canada by a British company by some guy named Marc Evans.

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Good Day, Eh? Not!

THE THAW-2009-In the Canadian Arctic a group is studying global warming's impact on polar bears. A famous scientist David Kruipen (Val Kilmer) is planning to bring an expedition of young people there. He also bribes his reluctant daughter Evelyn (Martha MacIsaac) to come along. At the last minute the group is warned to stay away but they go anyway. The camp residents are infected with a parasite from prehistoric times that lays eggs in human skin. Arms are severed, people vomit and have gapping wounds in this talky not very original production from Canada. 

Writer-director Mark Lewis needs to get a better hobby than making gory derivative horror movies....

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Jersey Devil

THE BARRENS-A dysfunctional family goes camping in The Pine Barrens in NJ where years before dad Richard (Steven Moyer) had an encounter with the Jersey devil. Now he wants to scatter this grandfather's ashes. They are in a group with some others and a stupid guy tells them the story of a woman who gave birth to a devil. Later the family leaves the group and goes on their own. Richard seems rather paranoid and has strange delusions. When they find a mysterious abandoned camp Richard insists they stay there. Later he admits he killed the family dog. Is Richard nuts or has he got rabies from a dog bite? Despite his violent incoherent behavior it turns out there really is a Jersey devil (terrible effect). Only the children survive but no one believes their story. At the end, the sister joins a group going to hunt the monster down. 

Director/writer Darren Lynn Bousman made this disjointed horror film (shot in Canada) a few years after directing several SAW sequels.  

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Canadian Blood

BLOODWORX-2012-Two college dorks volunteer for an experimental drug test (RXZ-19) to make some money. It's obvious from the other “patients” lead by obnoxious English guy Nigel that things aren't what they seem. After “dose one” they start to hallucinate and act weird. One guy has sex with a woman while cockroaches crawl on them. The doctor who heads the project explains that in actuality the experiments involve organ regeneration and he has a roomful of deranged animals to prove it! Everyone gets loonier and loonier as the doses increase. The experiment descends into madness with most of the patients becoming cannibal killers craving the drug. The real head of the project (Eric Roberts) shows up trying to cover the whole thing up. One guy escapes but goes back for his friend and the whole place blows up. The two friends escape but don't get away. 

This Canadian-American co-production is also known as BLOODWORK or THE LAST EXPERIMENT. Director Eric Wostenberg was a producer of the TV show “Ax Men”.

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Negative (should be) Deleted

MESSAGES DELETED-2010-More derivative pretentious horror garbage (this time from Canada) with a wannabe screenwriter (Matthew Lillard from the SCOOBY DOO movies) tied to a series of murders because the killer is using stories he wrote. It's all the work of a deranged film student in this drawn out talkie bullshit with not one likable character. The screenplay is by (former?) director Larry Cohen (IT'S ALIVE). The director Rob Cowan is usually a producer (THE CHERNOBYL DIARIES, THE CRAZIES remake). Filmed in British Colombia.

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Case 39

CASE 39-2009-This supernatural thriller isn't anything exceptional but it wouldn't be that bad except for the presence of lead actress Renee Zellweger who's squeaky voice and obnoxious facial expressions ruin the whole thing.

 She plays Emily Jenkins a social worker trying to help abused kids. She gets involved with Lilith (Jodelle Ferland) a young girl who seems to have strange abusive parents. When they try to burn her in an oven Emily and detective Mike Barron (Ian McShane) save her. The parents are put away and Emily fights to get custody of Lilith. She succeeds and all seems well until it's discovered that Lilith is no ordinary little girl. In fact she's a demon who makes a young boy kill both his parents and then kills Emily's boyfriend (Bradley Cooper) by sending a swarm of hornets to sting him. Later Emily finds herself in much the same situation as Lilith's former parents: fighting for her life and sanity from her little adopted monster. There's not much new here though.

Case 39 was made in Vancouver by German director Christian Alvart. I'm told the DVD features an alternate darker ending. Thugh made in 2008 it didn't get a US release till 2010 and did badly in theaters.

Rabid

RABID-1977-While a woman named Rose (porn star Marilyn Chambers) is out riding a motorcycle with her boyfriend Hart (Frank Moore), they have a horrendous accident. She is badly burned but fortunately the accident happens right near a clinic where three doctors are working on a new type of plastic surgery. The head doctor (Howard Ryshpan) decides to use his new "radical plastic surgery" on her. A month later she awakens and craves blood because she now has some kind of deadly parasite in her body. She infects several people (2 doctors, a drunk, a woman in a jacuzzi) and soon there is an epidemic of blood thirsty crazy people who foam at the mouth and kill. The head doctor cuts off a nurse's finger during an operation and a woman goes nuts on the subway. Meanwhile, a clinic associate (Joe Silver) and Hart search for Rose who's running around Montreal infecting anyone she comes in contact with. The city is put under martial law and everyone panics. Even a mall Santa Claus gets shot! This movie has it's moments but the Hart's enraged crying scene in the climax really ruins it.

David Cronenberg made this 2 years after the similar THEY CAME FROM WITHIN (which also featured Silver). Like that film RABID  contains strange characters and situations. Perhaps the strangest of all is the casting of Chambers as Rose. Her acting isn't bad. In fact she's a better actor than Frank Moore who portrays her boyfriend! Cronenberg's first choice for Hthe role of Rose was Sissy Spacek. Howard Reitman was an executive producer.

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Various Junk

I watch a lot of movies I shouldn't bother writing about. Here are a few of them!

PINK KILLER was made in Hong Kong in 1996. It was hard to follow since there were no credits in English and the sub-titles were very hard to read. It's about a group of women who take revenge on various bad guys (wife beater, gangsters, etc.). There's a few shoot-outs and car chases and slo-mo action scenes and a lot of talk. Charlie Cho Cha-Lee (PLAIN JANE TO THE RESCUE, POLICE STORY 2) is in it. I've seen two different directors credited for it.....So I also watched SEATTLE SUPERSTORM (2012) and you can probably guess what that was about. Two soon to be married scientists (Esai Morales and Ona Grauer) bicker over their kids who argue over everything while trying to battle some kind of man-made super storm that kind of looks like "the smoke monster" from TV's LOST. It's a triple threat of bad acting, talky script and topsy turvy direction (by Jason Bourque, the Canadian director of the similar DARK STORM)...

In a similar stormy Canadian vein, there's SPACE TWISTER (2011) about a school science project gone wrong. Electrical storms from outer space destroy NYC and Boston (well, a news report says it anyway) and much of the story revolves around the survival of some teens who are in detention. I didn't know anyone in it except Mitch Pileggi. The story is fairly predictable and boring but the SFX and acting this time out aren't bad. Director/co-writer Sheldon Wilson also made SNOWMAGEDDON. Warning: This movie is now known as MEGA-CYCLONE! I guess Canada can't stop making bad horror and science fiction movies! 

SWAMP DEVIL-(2008)-A woman (Cindy Sampson) goes looking for her estranged father (Bruce Dern) after she's told he's gone crazy and killed someone. The real culprit is an evil Ent-like creature who can take human form and uses roots to kill its victims. It's pretty boring and talky.




And finally, there's: PROMETHEUS-20I2-I'd rather watch Ed Wood Jr.'s BRIDE OF THE MONSTER backwards than have to had to sit through this pretentious, tedious, idiotic 2001 rip-off disaster. A spaceship from Earth arrives at a far distant planet (the crew is in suspended animation) where it seems humankind began. Charlize Theron is the tight ass commander. An android named David (Michael Fassbender)) takes care of them. They are looking for some very tall beings and you'll be looking for another movie while watching this!

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Canadian Cannibals

CANNIBAL GIRLS-1973-This seldom seen low budget horror film from Canada was the second film directed by Ivan Reitman.

After their car breaks down, a couple, bushy haired Clifford (Eugene Levy) and Gloria (Andrea Martin) hear the local legend of 3 cannibal girls who killed and ate their victims. They go to a local restaurant (actually an old house) run by the weird Rev. St. John who is assisted by three women. A menacing servant hangs around too. St. John talks very over the top and acts mysterious. When they decide to stay the night St. John and his ladies attack Clifford and Gloria. She escapes somehow and is helped by a doctor. Later she's reunited with Clifford who under a spell leads Gloria back to "the restaurant". A hypnotized Gloria then kills Clifford and he's served as dinner with Gloria joining in. It ends (sort of like MANTOS, HANDS OF FATE) with a new couple going to the old house for dinner.

I think this was suppose to be a comedy-takeoff but I found it pretty boring. From one short scene it seems to imply that the reverend is the vampire head of some kind of blood cult but what's really going on is never actually explained. He's not even mentioned when an old lady first relates the legend of the three girls.

The original theatrical version featured a "warning bell" to tell viewers when a grisly scene was about to appear.

The similar US produced TERROR HOUSE (aka TERROR AT THE RED WOLF INN) was filmed the year before.

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Canada

EYE OF THE BEAST-2007-A scientist (James Van Der Beek) goes to an island community to find out why there are hardly any fish in the lake. The white racist residents say it's the work of the local Indians, who aren't so great either. It turns out a giant squid is terrorizing the water. The sheriff (Alexandria Castillo) says it killed her father but none of her colleagues believe her. More JAWS inspired nonsense with a very bad looking monster. This Canadian production, directed by Gary Yates is part of a series of films called MANEATER.

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Curse from Canada

CATHY’S CURSE-1977-This French Canadian EXORCIST inspired possession story is pretty bizarre. A young girl named Cathy (Randi Allen) is possessed by the spirit of a dead girl through a left behind doll. The girl was killed in a car accident after her mother left her and her father and took their son with her. Years later the now grown up son and family come to live at the family house. Cathy is possessed by a glowing eyed portrait of the dead girl who makes Cathy curse a lot, talk in a weird voice and generally just act creepy. She drives her mom is crazy (although she was acting weird anyway…). The father (Alan Scarfe, who reminded me of Quenton Tarentino!) is oblivious to the weird happenings and a caretaker (Roy Witham, who reminded me of Mick Fleetwood) comes to a grisly end.

There’s also a psychic woman who tries to help but she has a bad encounter with an evil double of herself and the picture of the dead girl. The acting is pretty bad (except for Allen who's very good but never acted again). The effects run from cheesy to ok but the print I saw had a color problem and was badly edited.

The director Eddy Matalon also made BLACKOUT.

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Dark and Stormy Crap

DARK STORM-2006-Boring Canadian production involves a secret government project working with dark matter. Two scientists (pudgy Stephen Baldwin and Rob LaBelle) head the project and Baldwin's character becomes electronically charged and there's a lot of talk. The X-Files' William B. Davis is a general who wants to close the project down. The project head is a traitor and dark matter threatens to destroy the world. Director Jason Bourque made shorts and worked in TV before this. I would have had a better time eating Canadian bacon raw than watching this.

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Final Castle

SHANKS-1974-In this bizarre film professional mime Marcel Marceau portrays a deaf mute puppeteer named Malcolm Shanks who lives with his shrewish sister in law and her no good boozing husband. He gets a job with a elderly scientist who with the help of a special machine brings a dead frog back to life. When the scientist croaks (sorry, couldn’t resist writing that..) Malcolm uses the machine to bring him back to life. Later he causes the death of the sis in law and hubby but brings them back to life and they go on a picnic with a young local girl Celia (Cindy Eilbacher). He throws a private birthday party for the girl, served by his dead in laws (who also dance) but some bikers crash the scene and eventually kill her. Malcolm gets revenge by having “the living fight the dead”. However he has to fight the biker leader (Don Calfa) hand to hand in the climax. He then brings Celia back to life. But the final scene makes it seem like it might have all been a dream-fantasy.....

This very strange film was directed by horror “gimmick” director William Castle in Canada. It’s probably Marceau’s only starring movie (he did have a role 1967’s BARBARELLA and later had the only speaking role in Mel Brooks’ SILENT MOVIE) and not made without some difficulty. Castle outlines the making of it in his autobiography. Parts of it are shot in a kind of sepia tone and there’s really not much dialogue for a feature length film. I found it interesting though some parts don’t make sense and sometimes the acting doesn’t seem effective. It was the last film made by Castle (who appears in one scene as a grocer) and having never been released on tape or DVD is his least known film. Fortunately TCM came to the rescue recently and aired it!

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It's A Snap!

GINGER SNAPS-2001-This is an off-beat bizzaro horror film from Canada. Two misfit sisters, Ginger and Brigitte like taking staged photos of bloody deaths. One night Ginger is attacked by a werewolf and begins to change...

It might not be for every horror fan though (there's a lot of talk about menstruation) and there are a few plot lapses and twists that don't really make it. The finale takes forever to wind up and it is a little bit of a let down but I liked it and Emily Perkins who plays Brigitte is great! I guess some of the dialogue was suppose to funny but I'm not sure! The director, John Fawcett had done mostly Canadian TV before this. Followed by 2 sequels.

GINGER SNAPS-2: UNLEASHED-2004-This is an excellent sequel to the usually overlooked Part 1. Brigitte (Emily Perkins) still has were-wolf troubles and gets locked up in a hospital for problem girls. A blond girl named Ghost (Tatiana Maslny) sort of befriends her while an intern gives the inmates drugs for sex. The head doctor says everything is in Brigitte’s drug induced mind. Eventually that’s proven wrong of course. The now dead Ginger (Katherine Isabelle) shows up occasionally too. The acting is great but the ending is a bit of a letdown once again. Director Brett Sullivan was usually a film editor. It was followed quickly by another sequel GINGER SNAPS BACK: THE BEGINNING by a different director. 

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