My Last For 2010..if you are lucky!

TENTACULES-1977-This Italian production from director Ovidio G. Assonitis features several name American stars and a lot of tedium. After several underwater incidents involving a conglomerate called Trojan Inc, , a local reporter Ned Turner (John Huston) investigates. It seems there is a giant octopus hanging out ready to munch locals. Henry Fonda is the company owner and Cesare Danova is his flunky. Shelly Winters plays Turner’s sister who wears a huge sombrero. Claude Aktins is the local sheriff trying to contain (cover-up) the trouble. Bo Hopkins shows up as a famous scuba diver who’s expression barely changes. His bland plea to a few killer whales to help him destroy the monster is pretty funny. A fat guy goes swimming and gets killed and then the boat he was on is destroyed. It all has to do with a tunnel the company is digging. Meanwhile there’s a kid boat race that’s going to take place and Turner’s nephew is in it. Since it’s actually a Italian production many of the secondary actors’ voices are dubbed but for some reason Danova’s seems to be too! The SFX (including toy boats) are pretty cheesy.

Director Assonitis also made the "Exorcist" rip-off BEYOND THE DOOR and FOREVER EMANULLE. in 1974 and later produced James Cameron's first directorial effort PIRANNA 2: THE SPAWNING.

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The She Creature

THE SHE-CREATURE-1956-This AIP movie features one of the most recognizable monsters in ‘50’s horror history, thanks in part to Forrest J. Ackerman’s publishing many stills of it in FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND. The monster (created and played by Paul Blaisdell) is cool.

Unfortunately that can’t be said of the movie itself.

Sideshow hypnotist The Great Lombardi (Chester Morris in his last film role for many years) can regress his assistant (Marla English) to the 1600’s where she talks with an English accent. Through her he can also summon a giant clawed “prehistoric” monster to do his bidding. A psychologist (Lance Fuller who gives a very weird performance) tries to break the spell. Tom Conway (“The Falcon” and “The Saint” in better days) is the promoter who makes Lombardi a sensation. El Brendel (one of the stars of the strange ’30’s Sci-Fi flick JUST IMAGINE) is the comic relief Swedish butler. AIP regular Cathy Downs is Fuller’s fiancé and Mark Hudson (Harry in ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN) is a drunk. Kenneth McDonald (from late period 3 Stooges shorts) plays a doctor in one scene.

Despite being directed by the great and underrated Edward L. Cahn THE SHE CREATURE is big disappointment. In between sporadic monster appearances it’s all talk! There’s lots of scientific mumbo jumbo about love, hypnotism and past life regression (which was in the news at the time) and Fuller seems to be under some kind of spell himself. What a bad actor!

Screenwriter Lou Rusoff (brother in law of AIP co-founder Samuel Z. Arkoff) wrote many of their productions including THE DAY THE WORLD ENDED and the England based CAT GIRL. Morris was a Oscar nominated actor best known for playing the title role in the Boston Blackie series. Although active in TV he would not make another feature film until 1970’s THE GREAT WHITE HOPE. Unfortunately he died soon after completing his role.

English, Conway, Fuller and the monster (with a different head) all appeared a year later in VOODOO WOMAN. Fuller was also in Cahn’s WOMEN IN PRISON the same year. Also with Ron Randall, Frank Jenks, Frieda Inescort and Paul Dubov.

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I'm pretty scary though!
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Fish Tale

THE INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET-1964-This was the first feature movie Don Knotts made after leaving THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. It's a mixture live action and animation and aimed at both kids and adults. The former Barney Fife plays Henry Limpet, a meek bookkeeper with a nagging wife (Carole Cook) and an abnormal love of fish. It's the early '40's and he's come up 4-F in the draft. When his obnoxious brother in law (Jack Weston) comes home on leave from the navy he gets even more unhappy. When they go to Coney Island Limpet falls in the water and somehow becomes a (animated) fish (with glasses). He meets Crusty the Crab (voice of Paul Frees) and falls in love with Ladyfish (voice of Elizabeth Macrae). Eventually he helps The Navy sink Nazi U-boats.

Despite that premise it's harmless fun but it really feels like the first installment of a continuing series as the whole movie is basically a flashback and it ends with Chief Naval officer Andrew Duggan and Weston looking for Limpet in the present day. However no sequel was ever made. One can only wonder what a remake could be like...(one was announced at the time of this writing). Some songs are also featured.

Larry Keating plays another Naval officer and Oscar Beregi is Nazi captain. Director Arthur Lubin made the first 5 movies with Abbott & Costello, BLACK FRIDAY with Karloff & Lugosi, the 1943 version of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, several in the Francis, the talking mule series and lots of TV (including MR. ED!).

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New Earth? Why Bother?

SPACEFIGHT IC-1: AN ADVENTURE IN SPACE-1965-A group of space travelers (with kids) are flying toward some Earth like new planet cleverly dubbed “new Earth”. They are lead by a grumpy American Captain Mead Ralston (American actor Bill Williams; everyone else is English which figures since this is a British production). He’s pretty dictatorial and seems also to be a fascist but part of his problem could be that he can’t get his wife pregnant. When one of the female crew is diagnosed with cancer he refuses to turn back and return to “old Earth” to save her life. When the wife kills herself, the remaining morons mutiny. They lock Mead up but he escapes and gets his command back by threatening to blow up the ship. One traveler in suspended animation gets out and walks around zombie like. He ties up the loose ends by murdering the captain. The most unusual crew member is former human doctor now a super computer severed head! A weird part of the story is that Ralston keeps talking about how the crew was “hand picked” to succeed yet everyone is complaining, belligerent and totally unprepared for any problem.

The plot has some merit I guess but this cheap British made Sci-Fi tale is just plain idiotic. One of the kids is played by pre-OLIVER Mark Lester. Director Bernard Knowles did a lot of British TV but two years later would co-direct The Beatles MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR (which was originally made for TV). Canadian screenwriter Harry Spalding wrote THE DAY MARS INVADED EARTH, CURSE OF THE FLY and later the Disney flop WATCHER IN THE WOODS and other things.

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Merry Christmas again!

A VISIT TO SANTA-(1963)-This is bizarre! A brother and sister write Santa a letter and he decides to let them come and visit. He has an elf (a little kid) pick them up in his magic helicopter (we never see it!). Santa sits in a recliner chair in what looks like an ordinary living room (probably the producer’s). The rest of the film is a scenes of some Christmas parades and a Christmas village (filmed in Pittsburgh I’ve read) with some weird narration. After showing the kids dolls and trains and other toys at the end Mr. Claus reminds them the true meaning of Christmas is to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ "hundreds of years ago”. Amazing!

Merry Christmas!

SANTA’S SLAY-2005-This stupid violent horror film features retired pro wrestler Bill Goldberg as an ancient evil St. Nick who comes back to kill idiots. A clever part has a flashback to his origins done in Rankin-Bass like animation. The opening scene has him killing a moronic family featuring James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan and Rebecca Gayheart. In the main story, a teenager (Douglas Smith) and his girlfriend (LOST’s Emile de Ravin) try to convince the residents of their town (called Hell) that an evil Claus is on the loose. Robert Culp (in one of his last roles) is the teen’s eccentric grandfather who knows all about the legend (originally Santa was evil but he lost a bet with God and had to become good for 1000 years…). Parts of it are pretty funny but much of it is just Santa killing various townspeople in gory and unusual ways however Goldberg is very good in the funny sinister role (“Just trying to spread a little Christmas fear!”)! Saul Rubinek plays a deli owner killed by Menorah and Dave Thomas is a hypocritical minister. Another ex-wrester, Tiny Lister has a small role. The director David Steiman had been an assistant director on a few films before making this.

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The Curse of Craven

CURSED-2005-Film auteur/hack Wes Craven returns (who told him to come back?) with this too much talk, clichéd, done it all before nonsense. A nerd (Jesse Eisenberg) believes he and his sister Ellie (Christina Ricci) have become werewolves. Joshua Jackson is Ellie’s boyfriend who may also be a wolf person. The wolf SFX aren’t that great and the mix of humor and violence doesn’t work. I wish Craven would learn how to make a good horror film or at least retire! 

Screenwriter Kevin Williamson wrote all 3 SCREAM movies (a fourth one is in production at the time of this writing). Also with Portia Del Rossi and the band Bowling For Soup in one scene. Craven made this between SCREAM 3 and REDEYE.

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Shiver Me Timbers! I'll Keelhaul Ya All!

BLACKBEARD THE PIRATE-1952-Avast ye scurvy dogs! Raoul Walsh, veteran director of Hollywood classics such as WHITE HEAT and LITTLE CEASER made this Technicolor swashbuckling pirate tale, full of comedic scenes, funny dialogue, broad acting and action but it really would be kind of routine if not for Robert Newton's over the top performance in the title role. He's the perfect pirate with his constant shouts of "Arrrrgh" and wisecracks.

As Blackbeard he kidnaps the supposed mistress (Linda Darnell) of a reformed pirate Henry Morgan (Torin Thatcher). Keith Andes is a doctor/spy trying to get the goods on Morgan. William Bendix is Blackbeard's (intentionally funny?) first mate Whorley and creepy Skelton Knaggs is another pirate. When the crew plan to bury a dead mate at sea Bendix says "For distance this time".

Irene Ryan (future granny on TV's THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES) is Darnell's boozy lady in waiting. Richard Egan is another "phony" pirate who helps Andes. Though Blackbeard talks crazy he always seems to get the drop on everyone but is undone by his own treachery when he tries to keep some hidden treasure for himself. There's a few lapses in plot especially when Andes character is whipped, has salt thrown on his wounds and is whipped again. Yet in the next scene he's feeling no ill effects. There's a lot of witty dialogue in between the romance. Blackbeard: "I be fishing for a rat". Whorley: Why? Are you hungry?". Usually tough guy Dick Wessell plays a Mexican pirate! Anthony Curuso is a pirate too.

Newton is kind of forgotten today despite having gained fame in the US playing another famous pirate Long John Silver on TV.

The same year as BLACKBEARD he played Javert in Lewis Milestone's version of LES MISERABLES. He had played Bill Sykes in the 1948 version of OLIVER TWIST. His early death at 50 in 1956 has been attributed to alcoholism.

Bendix was in A GIRL IN EVERY PORT with Groucho Marx the same year.

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Talking Chimp

CARNIVAL MAGIC-1981-In this low budget family oriented film a struggling carnival is given new life when their main attraction becomes magician Markov the Magnificent (Don Stewart) and his talking chimp named Alex (played by Trudi the chimp). All goes well until a jealous lion tamer sells Alex to a doctor who wants to dissect him! All the circus rubes get together to rescue him. The chimp (who grumbles more than talks but considering the low budget that's about all they could do) drives a car. There's some romantic sub-plots but the acting and script are below average. It was filmed in North and South Carolina.

This was one of the last films directed by Al Adamson (who was killed in 1995) and features his real life wife Regina Carroll (about the only "name" in the cast) in her last role (she died in 1992). I don't think it has ever been released on VHS or DVD making it one of Adamson's least seen films but once again TCM came through and showed at 2 am one night! Adamson made his last film LOST 2 years later.

It ends with the promise of MORE CARNIVAL MAGIC but alas it was never to be...

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Living TV

THE TWONKY-1953-While his wife is away philosophy teacher Carey West (Hans Conried) sees his life turned upside down by his new TV set. It starts off by lighting his pipe and cigarettes and eventually gets him involved with The US Treasury! It walks around his house and cleans up, opens coke bottles and even gives him a shave and shines his shoes, eventually running (and ruining) his whole life. The weird and kind of annoying college football coach (William H. Lynn) tries to help out and the TV (now dubbed Twonky) hypnotizes them.

Writer/producer/director Arch Oboler was behind THE TWONKY. He was best known for creating the radio series “Lights Out!” and made around a dozen movies between 1945-1972 including the post nuclear war themed FIVE and BWANA DEVIL (the first feature length 3-D movie).

Although this comedy/satire seems ripe for cult status I was disappointed. It’s dated and not very well made and the acting is pretty bland despite Conried in the lead. He’d star in another cult classic the same year though, THE 5000 FINGERS OF DR. T.

RIP-Irene Kaelin-1921-2010