They're Not Scaring Anybody

 

SCARECROWS-1988-A bunch of dumb bank robbers in a hijacked plane go to a cornfield to get their hidden loot. One of them parachutes out planning on taking the 3 million for himself. The others land the plane and go looking for him. He's killed by a scarecrow, then brought back to life and beats up some of his partners until they decapitate him. Scarecrows seem to be running around the cornfield, resurrecting dead people and borrowing their limbs. 

Sound good? It actually sucks. 

The only actor (?) I knew in it was Ted Vernon, the little bald guy from that Florida wrestling movie HAMMERHEAD JONES (1986). Co-written, produced and directed by William Wesley in Florida. Cinematographer Peter Deming had already shot EVIL DEAD 2 (1987) and went on to work with David Lynch and do many high-profile movies like the “Austin Power” series.

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In Your Pants

 

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EMPIRE OF THE ANTS-1977-Con woman Joan Collins tries to interest a boat load of prospective suckers into buying Florida swamp land. 

Unfortunately for the party, giant ants (contaminated by radioactive waste) decided to invade and munch on the cast. The phony insects superimposed on the screen is a riot. They're too big. “Oh my God, they're herding us like cattle!” says one disgruntled character. Robert Lansing holds things together as the grizzled boat captain (with an earring). John David Carson (THE SAVAGE IS LOOSE) helps out. Brooke (daughter of Jack) Palance gets killed. When Albert Salmi (also in THE COMING for the same director) shows up as a sheriff it develops into a conspiracy story involving a sugar factory and slavery lead by the queen ant. 

Bert I. Gordon (who died in 2023 at the age of 100) made this giant bug movie which seems influenced by his earlier projects, FOOD OF THE GODS and VILLAGE OF THE GIANTS. Gordon from Wisconsin made TV commercials before making his first feature KING DINOSAUR in 1955.

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I Don't Know Any Sane Ghouls. Do You?

 

THE MAD GHOUL-1943-Dr. Alfred Morris (George Zucco), who teaches at a local college recreates a poison gas that an ancient Mayan tribe used to cause “life in death”. He hires a student, Ned Allison (David Bruce), to help him over the summer. Ned is in love with a radio singer named Isabel Lewis (Evelyn Ankers). When Morris says things like “There is no good or evil. Only true and false”, it's obvious he's mad. To top that, he's in love with Isabel too and in order to get Ned out of the way, the deranged doc turns his student into a living dead slave via the ancient concoction. Ned turns into a pasty-faced ghoul who carries out the doc's bidding. 

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Later they visit a cemetery where ghoul-Ned performs a cardiectomy because a human heart is needed to bring Ned back to the land of the living. Police Sgt. Macklin (Miburn Stone) and newspaperman “Scoop” McClure (Robert Armstrong) investigate. It turns out the antidote isn't permanent. Ned goes to another town where Isabel is performing to propose but Isabel doesn't love him anymore. She now prefers her pianist Erik (Turhan Bey). After she spurns him, he turns back into a ghoul and he and the doc visit a cemetery and take the caretaker's heart. When the doc finds out Isabel & Erik are an item, he sends Ned to kill Erik but Isabel's scream saves him. Meanwhile McClure figures out that a new heart stealing murder happens whenever Isabel gives a recital. He sets a trap to catch the deadly duo but he's killed in the process. The Sgt. and his detective Garrity (Charles McGraw) up their game to catch the killer. Later, when things get too hot and Ned suspects he's being used, (“What am I? Alive or Dead?”), the doc sends Ned to kill Erik then himself but Ned tricks the doc into inhaling the gas himself. Ned goes to the recital hall but is killed by the cops before he can carry out the murder. The doc dies at the cemetery unable to procure a human heart. Also with Rose Hobart and Addison Richards. 

This enjoyable, eerie Universal quickie was the last film directed by James P. Hogan (LIFE RETURNS (1934) who died of a heart attack shortly after this was finished. He had also been directed much of the “Ellery Queen” series at the time. The great George Zucco had another banner year in 1943, appearing in SHERLOCK HOLMES IN WASHINGTON, 2 PRC productions: DEAD MEN WALK and THE BLACK RAVEN and The Ritz brothers comedy NEVER A DULL MOMENT. Top billed David Bruce was in the “Inner Sanctum” entry CALLING DR. DEATH the same year as The Mad Ghoul. Leading lady Evelyn Ankers was also in among other things SON OF DRACULA.

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McHale's Shop of Mystical Wonders

 

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MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS-1996-A grandpa (Ernest Borgnine) tells his grandson a story about the title place. While two women talk about not getting pregnant, one woman's son wanders into the shop and meets Mr. & Mrs. Merlin. Then jackass columnist Jonathan and his wife visit while some trolls watch them. Merlin gives him an ancient book of spells and tells him not to use it. Of course he does. Merlin also gives Jonathan's wife (who wants a baby) a wishing stone. For some reason, Jonathan turns his cat into a demon cat and it almost kills him. He also ages dramatically. When he makes a potion (using his wife's blood) and drinks it, he turns into a baby and the wife gets her wish. Next, a burglar steals a toy monkey from the shop. A woman gives it as a birthday present to a young boy. Plants die and then a goldfish. Later a fire breaks out and kills a doorman. A psychic tells the boy's father he has to perform an exorcism on the monkey. He throws it away. When it almost kills his son, he buries it. When grandma visits, she brings the monkey as a gift. It seems like it might kill them but Merlin saves the day. The second story which in some ways resembles a Stephen King short story written years before, is actually a re-edited short with a new ending, Writer/director Kenneth J. Berton never made another movie.

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Mr. BIG's Giant Bugs

 

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THE BEGINNING OF THE END-1957-When the town of Ludlow, Illinois is mysteriously destroyed and the army blocks all roads, famous reporter Audrey Ames (Peggie Castle; later in the TV series “Lawman”) inves-tigates. Col. Strugeon (Thomas B. Henry) and Captain Barton (James Seay) give her the lowdown on Ludlow and later let her visit the destruction. Nearby, she meets agriculturalist/entomologist Ed Wainwright (Peter Graves; in BAYOU the same year), his mute assistant Frank (Than Wyenn) and their large experimental vegetables. When the 3 of them investigate a warehouse wreck, they discover giant locusts are causing the destruction and poor Frank is killed. They tell Strugeon but he doesn't believe them until he takes out a platoon and they are attacked. Ed figures the locusts got big eating his radiated vegetables. General Hanson (Morris Ankrum) sends General Short (Frank Wilcox) back to Illinois with Ed and Audrey where the locusts are on the march. Unfortunately, the government orders Hanson to drop an A-bomb on Chicago if Ed can't come up with a solution! After they capture a live giant locust, Ed discovers a high frequency signal that drive the horde into the water. 

The sfx are really laughable even by director Bert I. Gordon standards. Scenes of the locusts crawling up buildings are them just crawling over pictures! Also with Richard Benedict and Hank Patterson. Mr. BIG made two other classic low budget features in 1957: THE CYCLOPS and THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN.

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First Curse

 

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THE CURSE OF NOSTRADAMUS-1961-Professor Duran (Domingo Soler) who has just lectured on senseless superstition says vampires and monsters do not exist. No sooner have the words left his lips when the vampire Nostradamus (German Robles) and his ugly hunchback assistant, Leo (Manuel Vegara) show up. He visits his father's rotting corpse, then visits Duran and his secretary Antonio (Julio Aleman) under the name Ericson. He reveals his real identity but the professor scoffs and calls him names. Nostradamus says to prove what he's saying is the truth, he plans to murder 13 people with the last being the professor himself. He's pretty vicious. He hypnotizes one guy and he's buried alive and makes an antiques dealer shoot a collector and then the dealer is arrested for murder (he later jumps to his death). Nostradamus visits the professor several times to gloat. Later, Nostradamus kidnaps Anna (Aurora Alverado), Duran’s daughter. He and Antonio go after the vampire with platinum bullets but a cave in disrupts their plans in the abrupt ending since this and the three “sequels” that followed are all culled from a serial. 

Director/writer Federico Curiel also made THE BRAINIAC (1962) and several El Santo movies. Stillman Segar who worked on the English language version was unfortunately killed in a plane crash in 1969.

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It Wasn't Final

 

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THE FINAL TERROR-1983-After a couple is killed a forest, a bunch of camp ranger jerks (including Adrian Zmed) go off on a trip with a few women (including Daryl Hannah and Rachel Ward) to clear a river. Although, the bus driver Egger (Joe Pantoliano) is an idiot who they all make fun of, he's the only one who shows any concern for their safety but he has a reason…

Typically, dumb ‘80's slasher stuff, made in 81 but not released till 83, when some of the stars became more well known. Director Andrew Davis later made CODE OF SILENCE (1988) with Chuck Norris and two Steven Segal movies. In 1993, he made the big-budgeted Hollywood production THE FUGITIVE.

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Home? I Have No Home…

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BRIDE OF THE MONSTER-1955- Mad scientist Dr. Eric Vornoff (Bela Lugosi) is so far unsuccessful in his attempts to create a race of atomic superman. In his cheapo lab where he fries victims’ brains, he has a stove, refrigerator and a giant octopus. In town, the deaths are blamed on “The Monster”. Police Capt. Robbins (Harvey B. Dunn), who has a pet parakeet, discusses the case with Lt. Dick Craig (Tony McCoy) and his fiancée reporter, Janet (Loretta King) who is investigating the monster story. The suspicious Prof. Strowski (George Becwar) thinks the monster might be like the one in Loch Ness. On her way to Lake Marsh, Janet has a car accident. She faints but is rescued by Lobo (the one and only Tor Johnson), Vornoff''s hulking servant. Craig and his partner Marty (Don Nagel) go to the lake to find Janet, who's kind of being held prisoner by Varnoff. Meanwhile, Strowski visits the bad doctor.

Turns out the professor is from an unnamed country that had exiled Varnoff years before. Strowski wants to take Varnoff “home” but he will have none of it and throws Strowski to the octopus he happens to have on the premise (that's the monster). Varnoff decides to make Janet an atomic bride (complete with wedding gown) but Lobo has other ideas. He frees Janet and straps his boss to the operating table. Lobo and Craig have a fight (the Lieutenant fairs well). Somehow Lobo manages to turn Varnoff into a monster (now portrayed by stuntman Eddie Parker; no stranger to playing monsters..). Robbins, Marty and Kelton the cop (Paul Marco) arrive just as their tussle begins. Lobo is killed and now atomic Varnoff takes off with Janet. All's well that ends well as the doc becomes a victim of his own octo-monster. Robbins sums it all up: “He tampered in God's domain”. 

Several other Ed Wood “stock players” appear: Conrad Brooks (uncredited), Bud Osbourne, Ben Frommer and of course Dolores Fuller in a bit role as another reporter. Former “Bowery Boy” William “Whitey” Benedict also has a small role. Saying this is director Ed Wood, Jr.'s best movie might be stretching it but despite its so-so acting, weird plot, the who gives a shit editing and not too special effects, it's fun to watch and not see nearly as much as PLAN 9 has been in recent years. There's stock footage, of course and the scenes where the octopus kills its victims are pretty pathetic but after watching a few modern horror/Sc-Fi movies recently, I have to say for its entertainment value, BRIDE beats them all! 

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Pigs!

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PIGS-1973-A woman named Lynn (Toni Lawrence) kills her father after he rapes her. She's com-mitted to a mental hospital. While a doctor and nurse are having sex, she somehow gets out of her padded cell and escapes. While she wanders around, a pig farmer named Zambrini (Toni's dad Marc who also wrote, produced and directed) is feeding people to his pigs. Sheriff Tom (Jesse Vint) investigates when townsfolk go missing. Lynn goes to work in Zambrini's diner. When a doctor from her hospital comes to take her back, she kills him. 

Terribly made regional horror film with some of darkest filmed scenes ever (even in the daytime). 

Do it all veteran character actor Lawrence had to take out a second mortgage to finish the film. Aka DADDY'S LITTLE DARLING.

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You Are The Devil And You Are Bad!

 

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PRIME EVIL-1988-A 15th century monk renounces God for Satan and kills the monks who disagree with him. In the present, a group of devil worshipers, led by Tom (William Beckwith), sacrifice the daughter of one of their members. Then a bishop and a nun have a discussion about how the nun was almost a human sacrifice when she was a girl. They agree she (Mavis Harris) should go under-cover and join the evil cult. 

Meanwhile, Cathy (Ruth Collins), an ex-junkie/hooker has sex with her new boyfriend, Sam. A psycho maintenance man breaks in, kills Sam (despite him knowing martial arts) and kidnaps the woman for the cult. Then Cathy's social worker, Alex (Christine Moore) tells her boyfriend the reason she won't have sex with him is that her father used her in porno films when she was a child. A stupid cop (Glen James) investigates Sam's murder. Unfortunately, Alex's grandfather plans on giving her to the cult for a sacrifice. During a black mass orgy, a toy monster shows up and the nun kills it. Everyone turns old but Tom gets away. The acting is bad. 

Roberta Findlay was a so-so director but she was also the Director of Photography and she excelled at that so despite all its flaws, it doesn't look bad. One of the writers, Ed Kelleher also wrote INVASION OF THE BLOOD FARMERS (1972) and SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED (1974).

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Low Budget Anthology

 

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HOUSE OF THE DEAD: ALIEN ZONE-1978-Talmudge (John Ericson), a married man having an affair with a married woman is dropped off by a cab on the wrong street on his way back to his hotel in the pouring rain. He's taken in by an odd guy (Ivor Francis) who turns out to be a mortician. He then relates the story of Miss Sibiler (Judith Novgrod), an uptight teacher who doesn't seem to like kids, who when she gets home seems to have an intruder in her house. Little children in Halloween masks seem to be the culprits…but are they really children? In the second, a serial killer kills 2 women while filming it. He's arrested by the police and we learn he was executed. Goes nowhere. Then America's greatest detective Malcohm Tolliver (Charles Aidman) meets Scotland Yards’ greatest detective Inspector McDowal (Bernard Fox) after Tolliver receives a mysterious threatening letter. When he investigates, McDowal tags along. They wind up killing each other. In the next one, a corporate office worker ignores a homeless man. He gets trapped in a building where a trash compactor and a wall of nails almost kill him. When he gets out, he's now like the homeless man. 

Finally, it appears the mortician is Death. Talmudge runs away and is shot by his lover's husband. The mortician is in the ambulance that takes his corpse away. Filmed in Oklahoma. The director Sharron Miller worked on lots of TV show episodes.

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One Was Enough

 

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PIRANHACONDA-2012-2 gigantic snake things terrorize a Hawaiian island where a low budget horror film is being made. Some gang also holds some of the cast & crew hostage. Everybody runs around, surviving or getting eaten. Michael Madsen is a snake hunter who has an egg. The special effects are terrible. It premiered on The Syfi channel.

Director Jim Wynorski did a re-make of THE GIANT GILA MONSTER after this mess.

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For You My Friend, They Are The Angels of Death…

 

WHITE ZOMBIE-1932-In Haiti, a couple, Neil (John Harron) and Madeline (Madge Bellamy) are to be married in the home of Mr. Beaumont (Robert Frazer), a weird guy who's obviously obsessed with Madeline. They meet the friendly eccentric Dr. Bruner (Joseph Cawthorn) who is to marry them. While being driven to Beaumont’s plantation, they run into a bunch of guys their driver (Clarence Muse) says are zombies. Beaumont visits 'Murder” Legendre and his mill of zombie workers. He wants Madeline all to himself. Legendre suggests turning her into a zombie. Beaumont doesn't go for the idea. But Legendre has his own agenda. He casts a spell that seems to make her die. 

Poor Neil takes to drink and hallucinates. Legendre and Beaumont visit Madeline's tomb and his zombie servants (all former enemies) remove her coffin. Neil discovers the empty tomb and freaks out. Dr. Bruner explains that the zombies aren't really dead. They are just under a spell. Soon Madeline is up and about and playing the piano for Beaumont but now she's just an empty shell. Beaumont realizes his mistake and begs Legendre to return her to her living state. Instead, Legendre turns Beaumont into a zombie because he “has other plans” for Madeline. Beaumont's sneaky butler Silver (Brandon Hurst) is thrown in the water to drown (he holds his nose before being dunked). Neil & Bruner get help from witch doctor Pierre (Dan Crimmins). Neil gets to the castle but collapses. Legendre finds him and commands Madeline to stab him. 

This is a low budget but eerie independent horror film with a nice climax and Lugosi great as the smirking evil power mad villain. Makeup by Jack Pierce. Director Victor Halperin later made REVOLT OF THE ZOMBIES (1936). His brother Edward was the producer.

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Goblin

 

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GOBLIN-2020-A goblin hiding in the basement of a newlywed couple's basement (summoned by the previous owner) kills in various extremely gory ways. The acting isn't great and there's some sound problems but at least it isn't full of itself. After the goblin is killed, zombies attack and kill the rest of the cast. The director Scott Lando directed other movies and was also a cinematographer.

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Big Brain

 

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THE BRAIN-1988-A woman, Vicki is attacked by some tentacles after her teddy bear has stigmata but it turns out to be an illusion. When she thinks her boyfriend is being attacked, she accidentally kills him. Then she's pushed out a window by what looks like a brain. Some moron pretend bad boy James (Tom Bresnahan) who has good grades but is a wise ass joker gets what's coming to him when he's sent to the clinic of Dr. Blake (REANIMATOR's David Gale), the host of TV's “Independent Thinking”. James' girlfriend Janet (Cyndy Preston) is pretty smart though. She doesn't want to have sex with him. Blake hooks James up to a machine that is connected to a giant brain. He sees Blake's female assistant topless and then a scary monster. Blake is using the brain to hypnotize his TV audience. When the assistant complains, the brain eats her. Meantime, James loses control of his car when a tentacle comes out of the steering wheel. He goes crazy in a fast food place and Blake's male assistant (George Buza) takes him back to the institute where he sees Blake talking to the brain which now has evil eyes and fangs! Janet and his friend Willie (Brent Pearson) break into the place to save him. Poor Willie is eaten by the brain. The assistant decapitates a cop but James & Janet get the blame. Meanwhile, the brain gets bigger and its broadcasts make a woman chainsaw her husband. The teen fugitives hide out in their high school and have sex. When Janet watches a broadcast, she turns against James. After a big car chase, he returns to the institute where its discovered Blake is an alien trying to take over the world. James & Janet confront the brain after it eats the male assistant. It seems to end happily but…?? 

Satirical low budget horror movie doesn't take itself too seriously and I think it was influenced by THE BRAIN FROM PLANET AROUS. The James character is not much of a hero though. Filmed in Canada by Ed Hunt (STARSHIP INVASIONS).

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An Hour And 5 Minutes In Hell

 

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SEASON IN HELL-2006-There seems to be a terrorist attack on the East coast. Two people trying to escape the mayhem stop at a house run by satanists or a blood cult. The shaky direction and optical effects are ridiculous. Women are tortured and when one of the guys tries to free a kidnapped girl, he's later dismembered.

The director has issues and probably saw HOUSE OF1000 CORPSES too many times.

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Kill The Video Camera

 

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KILL SYNDROME-2006-Shot on video garbage about some redneck assholes torturing a girl for a snuff movie. They kidnap others and torture them. The acting sucks of course. A movie like this (I'm not even sure if it is a movie) makes me wonder...

 Sure, some amateurs with a camera who've seen THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE too many times may have just wanted to make an extreme gore film because they thought it was cool but I'm not sure. 

The 2 directors might profit from mental health examinations.

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Hey, Ya Big Baboon

 

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SHAKMA-1990-Terrible nonsense about dorks experimenting with apes (who obviously have more intelligence than humans). They get locked up with them and everyone starts to get killed. After Dr. Sorensen (Roddy McDowall) is killed, there's not much reason to watch this killer baboon horror junk except to laugh at all the situations where eventually everybody dies. 

The SFX are good though. Christopher Atkins, Amanda Wyss and Ari Meyers star. Filmed at Universal studios in Florida by two directors.

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Skulls R Us

 

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THE SCREAMING SKULL-1958-Eric Whitlock (John Hudson) takes his new wife Jenni (Peggy Webber; in SPACE CHILDREN the same year) to the house that was designed by his first wife Marion, now dead. Rev. Snow (familiar TV actor Russ Conway) and his wife (Tony Johnson) are there to welcome them. So is Mickey (director Alex Nichol), the weird gardener who doesn't believe Marion is dead (she's buried on the estate). When she's alone, Jenni (who's rich and once spend some time in a mental hospital) gets spooked by noises and some skulls that show up. Eric blames Mickey but Jenni thinks she's cracking up. Eric seems devoted, maybe too much so. But when a skull shows up after they burn a portrait of Marion, John’s real intentions are revealed. 

Very low budget ghost story. The best part is the finale where Marion turns the tables on John. A short disclaimer at the beginning says that the producers will pay the funeral expenses for anyone who dies of fright during the viewing. 

This was actor Alex Nichol's first film as a director. His later work was mostly for TV except for his last, 1971's POINT OF TERROR. Male lead John Hudson did a lot of TV work and was the twin brother of William Hudson (Harry in ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN). Lead actress Peggy Webber, still alive at the time of this writing, had earlier played Lady MacDuff in Orson Welles' MACBETH. The soundtrack was composed by future Oscar winner Ernest Gold.

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Mr. Big's Ants

 

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EMPIRE OF THE ANTS-1977-After an introduction that says ants are as smart as men, real estate scammer Marilyn (Joan Collins) takes a bunch of prospective suckers on a yacht piloted by Capt. Stokey (Robert Lansing). Unfortunately, her swampland is overrun by ants who have been contaminated by radioactivity. Group includes John David Carson (THE SAVAGE IS LOOSE (1974), familiar TV actress Jacqueline Scott, Pamela Shoop (later in HALLOWEEN 2 (1981)), Robert Pine (who was a regular on the TV show “Chips” at the time), Irene Tedrow (another familiar TV actress), familiar TV actor Harry Holcombe and Brooke Palance (daughter of Jack). The ants grow very big and start killing. After munching and menacing, the survivors meet a weird couple who call the sheriff (Albert Salmi). It turns a nearby town has been enslaved by the ants and hypnotized by their queen. Some flares and a gasoline truck help put an end to the ant party. 

Who else but director Burt I. Gordon would have made a modern-day movie about giant ants and then say it was based on a novel by HG Wells? (he did the same thing earlier with FOOD OF THE GODS in1965) The SFX aren't so good but the strange turn the story takes is kind of surprising. Salmi was in Mr. B.I.G.'s next film BURNED AT THE STAKE in 1982. Gordon died in 2023 at the age of 100!

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