Home? I Have No Home…

 (imdb)

 

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER-1955- Mad scientist Dr. Eric Vornoff (Bela Lugosi) is so far unsuccessful in his attempts to create a race of atomic superman. In his cheapo lab where he fries victims’ brains, he has a stove, refrigerator and a giant octopus. In town, the deaths are blamed on “The Monster”. Police Capt. Robbins (Harvey B. Dunn), who has a pet parakeet, discusses the case with Lt. Dick Craig (Tony McCoy) and his fiancée reporter, Janet (Loretta King) who is investigating the monster story. The suspicious Prof. Strowski (George Becwar) thinks the monster might be like the one in Loch Ness. On her way to Lake Marsh, Janet has a car accident. She faints but is rescued by Lobo (the one and only Tor Johnson), Vornoff''s hulking servant. Craig and his partner Marty (Don Nagel) go to the lake to find Janet, who's kind of being held prisoner by Varnoff. Meanwhile, Strowski visits the bad doctor.

Turns out the professor is from an unnamed country that had exiled Varnoff years before. Strowski wants to take Varnoff “home” but he will have none of it and throws Strowski to the octopus he happens to have on the premise (that's the monster). Varnoff decides to make Janet an atomic bride (complete with wedding gown) but Lobo has other ideas. He frees Janet and straps his boss to the operating table. Lobo and Craig have a fight (the Lieutenant fairs well). Somehow Lobo manages to turn Varnoff into a monster (now portrayed by stuntman Eddie Parker; no stranger to playing monsters..). Robbins, Marty and Kelton the cop (Paul Marco) arrive just as their tussle begins. Lobo is killed and now atomic Varnoff takes off with Janet. All's well that ends well as the doc becomes a victim of his own octo-monster. Robbins sums it all up: “He tampered in God's domain”. 

Several other Ed Wood “stock players” appear: Conrad Brooks (uncredited), Bud Osbourne, Ben Frommer and of course Dolores Fuller in a bit role as another reporter. Former “Bowery Boy” William “Whitey” Benedict also has a small role. Saying this is director Ed Wood, Jr.'s best movie might be stretching it but despite its so-so acting, weird plot, the who gives a shit editing and not too special effects, it's fun to watch and not see nearly as much as PLAN 9 has been in recent years. There's stock footage, of course and the scenes where the octopus kills its victims are pretty pathetic but after watching a few modern horror/Sc-Fi movies recently, I have to say for its entertainment value, BRIDE beats them all! 

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Comedy On Purpose

 

 (Wallpaper Cave)

  

ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES!-1978-This sci-fi comedy is an anything goes, made bad on purpose film. There's lots of crazy jokes and crude animation. A Japanese scientist talks with dubbed English voice. A weird looking woman reporter investigates. There are a lot of stupid characters and some sing! Most of the jokes are more goofy than funny. At first regular sized tomatoes attack but later some giant ones appear. The helicopter crash was real. 

Director John De Bello made three sequels and the film inspired a Saturday morning cartoon show.

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Lake Zombies

 

 (imdb)

GHOST LAKE-2004-This young woman Rebecca (Tatum Adair) feels guilt over the death of her parents who were killed by a gas leak while she was having sex in a car. She goes to her parents' house in upstate NY. She meets a neighbor. Stan, who helps her put the lights on. He's semi-suspicious. She has hallucinations of her parents blaming her. While out jogging she says hello to a fisherman but he ignores her. Then she meets a talkative little girl and a rude dickhead fisherman who is pulled into the water by a glowing figure. After having some strange dreams and hearing weird noises, the little girl shows up in her house while she's outside stargazing and swimming with Stan. She sees the body of the dead fisherman but when authorities check they find nothing. The ignorant sheriff (Gregory Lee Kenyon; a terrible actor) who says Stan killed his own father, tells the story of a town that was once where the lake is and an old man and his submerged house. Later in a cemetery she’s terrorized by the dead fisherman. She conveniently meets Stan who says the sheriff is involved with drug pushing. There are a few zombies. 

This a pretty messed up waste of time with bad sfx and too much talk. And it's long (an hour and 52 minutes gone forever!). Writer/director Jay Woelfel also made TRANCERS 6 (2002).

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One Was Enough

 

 (imdb)

PIRANHACONDA-2012-2 gigantic snake things terrorize a Hawaiian island where a low budget horror film is being made. Some gang also holds some of the cast & crew hostage. Everybody runs around, surviving or getting eaten. Michael Madsen is a snake hunter who has an egg. The special effects are terrible. It premiered on The Syfi channel.

Director Jim Wynorski did a re-make of THE GIANT GILA MONSTER after this mess.

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Jayne Loves Hercules

 

 (imdb)

THE LOVES OF HERCULES-1960-When Hercules (Mickey Hargitay) finds out his wife has been killed, he crashes the castle of Queen Deianira (Jayne Mansfield), the daughter of the king who ordered Mrs. Hercules's murder. After a bizarre ritual where Herc has to throw axes at the bound queen, they become friends. Later, Herc is accused of a killing and has to fight the three headed dragon, Hydra (bad effect). He's rescued by some Amazons whose queen turns men into trees. 

This movie, obviously inspired by HERCULES (1958), is the worst with the leads pretty pathetic and Mansfield in two roles, bad dubbing and terrible sfx. Filmed in Italy, (where it was a big hit) by director Carlo Ludovico Bragaglia who died in 1998 at the age of 103. It's said Mansfield would only accept the role if her bodybuilder husband Hargitay was cast as Hercules.

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Still Another Sequel

 

 

 (themoviedb.org)

PUMPKINHEAD 4-BLOOD FEUD-2007-Stupid hillbillies, The Hatfields & The McCoys are feuding because of an incident with a car years before. When it turns out Jodie (Amy Manson), a Hatfield girl is having an affair with McCoy boy Ricky (Bradley Taylor), two Hatfield brothers (the Hatfields seem the scummier of the two) decide to break up the romance and wind up killing another McCoy daughter, Sarah (Maria Roman). Ricky visits the witch Haggis (Lynee Verell, reprising her role from Part 3) to have her summon the demon Pumpkinhead to get revenge despite the pleadings of the cursed Ed Harley (returning Lance Henriksen). 

Gory sfx, bad acting. Written and directed by Mike Hurst (HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2).

Doom is Right!

 

 (imdb)

SS DOOMTROOPER-2006-During WW2, a Nazi mad scientist (Ben Cross) creates a huge monster soldier from a man using radiation. England hires Col. Malloy (Corbin Nemec) to go behind enemy lines to destroy the compound. He assembles a bunch of Dirty Dozen wannabes to help him. 

The sfx, acting and dialogue suck. All thrown together by director David Flores (SAND OF OBIVION the same year).

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Mr. Big's Ants

 

 (themoviedatabase)

EMPIRE OF THE ANTS-1977-After an introduction that says ants are as smart as men, real estate scammer Marilyn (Joan Collins) takes a bunch of prospective suckers on a yacht piloted by Capt. Stokey (Robert Lansing). Unfortunately, her swampland is overrun by ants who have been contaminated by radioactivity. Group includes John David Carson (THE SAVAGE IS LOOSE (1974), familiar TV actress Jacqueline Scott, Pamela Shoop (later in HALLOWEEN 2 (1981)), Robert Pine (who was a regular on the TV show “Chips” at the time), Irene Tedrow (another familiar TV actress), familiar TV actor Harry Holcombe and Brooke Palance (daughter of Jack). The ants grow very big and start killing. After munching and menacing, the survivors meet a weird couple who call the sheriff (Albert Salmi). It turns a nearby town has been enslaved by the ants and hypnotized by their queen. Some flares and a gasoline truck help put an end to the ant party. 

Who else but director Burt I. Gordon would have made a modern-day movie about giant ants and then say it was based on a novel by HG Wells? (he did the same thing earlier with FOOD OF THE GODS in1965) The SFX aren't so good but the strange turn the story takes is kind of surprising. Salmi was in Mr. B.I.G.'s next film BURNED AT THE STAKE in 1982. Gordon died in 2023 at the age of 100!

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Stairway

 

 (imdb)

BLACK OPS-2019-A British military Black Ops group become trapped in a seemingly endless stairwell where something is coming up from below. A woman the asshole leader ordered killed was known as "The prophet of death" by locals. The acting and SFX are terrible in this UK production directed and written by Tom Paton.

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Mistress Misty

 

 (imdb)

AT THE MOVIES WITH MISTRESS MISTY-2004-After an intro by Mistress Misty (Debra Rochon) who drinks a glass of blood and has a mutant baby, there are three stories all involving werewolves.

The first is "Dark Rose: The 700 Year Itch". A vampire hunter finds a vampire and turns into a werewolf. The two fight and the werewolf wins. 

In “Sheep's Clothing”, a PI shadows a wife Gina to see if she's cheating. She doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong except shopping and talking to her minister. When the husband pretends to be away, it seems Gina is actually a werewolf, and the minister was trying to help cure her. 

In “Crying Wolf”, a bickering couple are attacked by a werewolf. The woman dies but the man is saved by some passersby. A month later a hick sheriff accuses the man of killing the woman. The guy believes he's a werewolf and wants the sheriff to lock him up. It turns out the sheriff is the original werewolf and the two battle it out for supremacy as the worst wolf man in celluloid history.

 Amateurish nonsense but Rochon seems to be having a good time. Also known as THE LUNAR PACK. It was written and directed by James Liquori.

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Last One For 2024

 

 (imdb)

THE CREMATORS-1972-A narrator tells us about a meteor that hit Earth many many years ago and a young Indian and a shark. In the present, bug expert Ian Thorne (Marvin Howard) finds a strange stone. When he sends it away to be analyzed it seems to be responsible for the mailman's death when he's burned alive by a ball of fire. Later Thorne gives a second stone to the weird looking Jeannie (Maria de Aragon). Then a pipe smoking local is burned by another fireball. After a lot of talk, a scientist tries to stop the fireball with a shotgun. 

The sfx, acting and direction are sub-par in this low budget sci-fi film directed and co-written by Harry Essex (OCTA-MAN (1971)) who in better times wrote the screenplay for THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON (1954). The Cremators also features the second to last film score by Albert Glasser and the debut of SFX creator Doug Beswick (THE TERMINATOR, BEETLEJUICE). 

Lead actress de Aragon was later Greedo the alien (uncredited) in the first "Star Wars" movie.

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Southern Wolf

 

 (imdb)

WOLFMAN-1979-A son, Colin Glasgow (co-producer Earl Owensby), is summoned to his father's death bed by his cousins (the father is actually stabbed to death). It seems Colin has inherited a curse and he turns into a werewolf when the moon is full. The curse was put on his family by an evil reverend. After a nightly rampage Colin is thrown in jail. The reverend plans on killing Colin's girlfriend but somehow Colin escapes, turns into a wolf and kills the the evil clergyman, unfortunately dying in the process. 

This low budget period piece, very reminiscent of an Andy Mulligan movie, has bad acting & sfx. Star Owensby in the '70's, seemed to have a reputation as a "redneck Roger Corman" based in North Carolina but most of his output didn't get passed the Mason-Dixon line. Director/writer Worth Keeter later worked on the American versions of TV's "Power Rangers" shows.

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Trailer Trash

 

 (imdb)

VAMPIRE TRAILER PARK-1991-A private investigator and a psychic look into stories about missing old people and vampires. Sometimes the psychic's dead grandma talks through her. A pasty-faced vampire (the screenwriter/co-producer Patrick Moran) shrieks annoyingly and vomits blood. 

Terrible shot on video junk with bad acting, direction and sfx. Director Steve Latshaw later made JACK-O (1995) and THE RETURN OF THE KILLER SHREWS (2012).

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Terror Stuff

 

 (imdb)

TERROR EYES-1989-A dapper mysterious man (Daniel Roebuck) gives a white trash couple a book titled “The Book of Life”. It seems to foretell their deaths. When the husband tries to destroy the book with acid, he starts to burn up. This turns out to be a dream by a writer (associate producer/co-writer Vivian Schilling). Her husband (also Roebuck) explains that she is an advertising writer who's been hired for some inexplicable reason to write a horror movie. Then she's chased through some winding corridors by an unseen monster. Then the couple go on a camping trip with 2 other couples. A demon seems to kill the husband and pretends to be him, acting like a loony. 

Finally, camper Manny relates his tale (The Alibi). It's the stupid story of a loser being set up by a guy who wants to kill his wife. It really sucks. In another tale (Snake Eyes), a female chess champion is kidnapped by an adult video gamer and put into a game where she confronts the owner.

 Uniformly bad horror anthology with terrible acting,direction,sfx and failed attempts at humor. Three directors are credited. One Michael Rissi directed SOULTAKER the next year (also with Schilling) and another Stephen Sommers went on to make the big scale productions THE MUMMY (1999) and its sequels! As of this writing his name was attached to a remake of “When Worlds Collide”.

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Mrs. Dracula

 

 (imdb)

DRACULA'S WIDOW-1988-Raymond, a weird museum owner (Lenny Von Donlen) receives some crates of artifacts from Romania. He seems to have one extra crate. While he drinks brandy and watches "Nosferatu", some idiots break into his basement. It turns out the 6th crate contains a female vampire (pale looking Sylvia Kristel) who kills one of the robbers then bites Raymond. Later he wants to put a stake in her but can't. When his girlfriend Jenny (Rachel Jones) visits he's transfixed by her neck. A stupid cop Lannon (Josef Sommers) investigates. The vampire claims to be Dracula's wife Vanessa and almost loses it when Raymond tells her Van Helsing has killed Dracula. At some kind of devil worshiping gang bang where a woman is tortured, Vanessa turns into a monster and kills all the members.

 Later Van Helsing's grandson (Stefan Schnabel) shows up and puts stakes in some corpses. Then Vanessa kills Lannon's partner and turns Van Helsing into a vampire, Raymond is arrested for the murders. Lannon and Jenny team up to try and stop the widow's killing spree and save Raymond. 

This is a pretty shoddy affair with strange out of place close-ups with a bright red background and bad sfx. It's over the top but I'm not sure if this was intentional or not. Writer/director Marc Copolla (brother of Nicolas Cage and nephew of you know who) plays a victim and George Stover has a cameo as a coroner.

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Filmed in NYC

 

 (imdb)

THE ORACLE-1986-New tenant Jennifer (Caroline Capers Powers) finds a spirit writing planchet. When she and her dick head husband (Roger Neil) and two friends use it, they seem to unleash the spirit of a dead man. A stupid janitor stabs himself to death and her hubby gets his head ripped off. Meanwhile, two thugs try to kill her because in a vision she saw them kill the dead guy. Jennifer is committed to some kind of mental hospital. She escapes but is captured by the dead man's wife and a butch hit woman. Horrible drawn-out junk with bad acting and cheap gory SFX. Filmed in NYC by Roberta Findlay (also the uncredited cinematographer).

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Rediscovered

 

 (youtube)

AS THE EARTH TURNS-1938-Amateur science fiction silent film originally made in 1938 but only rediscovered in 2019. A mysterious being known as Pax (the director Richard Lyford) can control the weather and cause earthquakes. He wants the world to stop making war. A newspaper publisher and two reporters (1 male, one female) investigate. Pax plans to "rock the Earth" and seems to succeed but the story ends before we find out. 

This is a trendsetting piece and its restored version looks great but it is an amateur film done in a little by bad SFX, over the top acting and terribly made-up actors. Nice new score by Ed Hartman was added after it's restoration. Director/star Lyford made other experimental short films (most of which are lost) but later he worked for Disney Studios.

 (Los Angeles Times)

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Cat-Women

 

 (imdb)

CAT-WOMEN ON THE MOON-1953-5 astronauts journey into space. The crew is headed by hardnosed Laird Grainger (Sonny Tufts). His co-pilot is the more laid-back Kip Reissner (Victor Jory). Helen Salinger (Marie Windsor) is the navigator. Doug Smith (William Phipps) is the radar guy and Walt Walters (Douglas Fowley) is the engineer. They land on the moon and Helen seems to know more than she should. After being attacked by giant spiders, they find a cave with oxygen and then find some kind of temple. Helen separates from the men and meets Alpha (Carol Brewster), leader of the female survivors of a genocide ("We have no use for men"). They turn Helen against her male companions and plan to "bring our culture" to Earth and put Earth women under their power. 

This notorious very low budget campy sci-fi space adventure uses props and sets from several other pictures. Director Arthur Hilton had better success as a film editor. Producer/co-writer Al Zimbalist was the executive producer on ROBOT MONSTER the same year! Composer Elmer Bernstein, who would win an Academy Award in 1967, did the soundtrack but his name is misspelled in the credits! (He also did the music for ROBOT MONSTER...).

It was remade in 1958 as MISSILE TO THE MOON.

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Crap Train To Terror

 

 (imdb)

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR-1985-On a train, a terrible rock band play. Also on the train are God (un-billed Ferdy Mayne) and Satan (un-billed Tony Giorgio) who discuss various things in this low budget trilogy. 

In the first story, “The Case of Harry Bilings”, an accident victim named Harry (John Phillip Law) is turned into a weirdo who drugs women and brings them to an institution where a big doofus intern Otto (Richard Moll) rapes and dismembers them and sells their body parts. Later a female doctor lobotomizes a male doctor. Harry decapitates Otto and discovers the male doctor operating on the female doctor. I thought this might have been a misfire black comedy despite the subject matter.

Number 2: “The Case of Gretta Connors”. A musician named Greta (Merideth Hayes) is turned into a porno actress by a jerk named George (J. Martin Sellers). Glen, a preppie type sees one of Gretta's movies and falls in love with her. Somehow, he meets her and they become lovers. It turns out George is the head of “The Death Club” whose members have all had brushes with death. Something called a “Transinian Winged Beetle” (terrible animation) stings a guy to death and his eyeballs explode. They also play an electrocution game where an African American guy is burned to death. Later they play a game of death with a construction ball that looks like something from the '60's “Batman” TV show.

The third story is called “The Case of Claire Hansen”, Mr. Weiss (Marc Lawrence) enlists a police Lt. (Cameron Mitchell) and his assistant Dieter (also Marc Lawrence) to help him trap a Nazi. Then Weiss is killed by a fanged monster. Coroner Claire Hansen (Faith Cliff) examines the body. Her husband Peter is the author of the book “Is God Dead?”. A guy named Papini warns Peter the devil is coming for him. The Nazi is now the still young Mr. Oliver (Robert Bristol), a murderer sporting goat legs. The boyfriend of one of Oliver's victims tries to kill him but is crushed by a red eyed monster (terrible animation). Strange rubbery demons attack Claire but it seems to be an illusion. A priest tells her she was picked by God to battle the devil. He gives her a box and tells her to cut out Oliver's heart and put it in the box. A badly animated monster kills Papini. The Lt and Dieter are blown up. Then Oliver turns into a demon (bad puppet) and kills Peter. Somehow Claire runs Oliver down with her car and takes him to a hospital to remove his heart. Everything goes awry in the bloody operating room finale but Satan wins.

 The band plays some more but fortunately are killed when the train crashes. (but sadly, they seem to come back to life) This out of whack z budget trilogy was actually made from three full length or almost finished films and the third story actually was released in full length form as CATACLYSM. Four directors are credited but the screenwriting for all the stories go to one person, Phillip Yordan, who once won an Oscar for the screenplay of BROKEN LANCE (1954)!

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Caroline Munro

 

 (imdb)

STARCRASH-1978-Space thief Stella Star (Caroline Munro) and her smug companion Acton (Marjoe Gortner) are arrested and sentenced to hard labor by a gold disembodied head (reminiscent of the alien in INVADERS FROM MARS). They escape and are picked up by a space cop (green skinned Robert Tessier) and Robot Ellie (Judd Hamilton with Hamilton Camp doing his voice) with a southern accent. The Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe (Christopher Plummer) wants the duo and Ellie to save everything from Count Daka (Joe Spinnell with dubbed voice). Later, on a planet of cavemen, the trio meet Prince Simon (David Hasselhoff). 

With some bad stop motion animation and bad acting, this was directed by Luigi Cozzi a year after his infamous “version” of GODZILLA and before he got into the horror genre. Munro and Hamilton were married at the time. In an interview Christopher Plummer said the only reason he made it was to get a free trip to Italy!

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