The Mighty Ferrigno

HERCULES-1983-After a very cartoonish opening explaining the beginnings of the universe and Pandora's jar (?), some gods (dressed up like a Christmas pageant with Zeus looking like Santa) living on the moon create some kind of super being to combat evil on Earth in the form of the King of Thebes new born son named Hercules. An evil prince has mom and dad killed but a maid saves baby Herc (with Zeus “lending a hand”). Hera (Rossana Podesta) doesn't seem to care much for the baby and sends some strange snake monsters to slay the infant but he kills them instead! His saving and rescue by a childless couple has echoes of Superman and Moses! The bambino grows up to be the legendary strongman (Lou Ferrigno, a year after his TV series THE INCREDIBLE HULK had ended). He kills a bear that killed his father and tosses it into space. The King of Minos (William Berger) and Deadalus (Eva Robins) scheme with Hera to destroy him. Herc fights a metallic bird monster and throws a log into space too. After winning a tournament and cleaning some stables he falls in love with Cass (Ingrid Anderson)) the betrothed daughter of another king (Brad Harris). He gets some help from Circe (Mirella D'Angelo) but Cass is kidnapped by an evil princess (Sybil Danning) who plans to use her as a sacrifice. With a rainbow bridge, a journey to hell and a chariot ride through space.

 

This filmed in Italy Cannon production has laughable acting and SFX. Writer/director Luigi Cozzi (STARCRASH, PAGANINI HORROR) is credited as Lewis Coates.

 

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Acquanetta

CAPTIVE WILD WOMAN-1943-A Clive Beatty like animal trainer Fred Mason (Milburn Stone) comes back from Africa with a load of wild animals. After he re-captures a loose tiger his girlfriend Beth (Evelyn Ankers) relates a flashback wherein she takes her ailing sister Dorothy (Martha Vickers) to a sanitarium run by a suave and famous doctor Sigmund Walters (John Carradine) because she has “glandular troubles”. Later Walters takes a shine to Mason's pet gorilla Cheela (Crash Corrigan) and has a recently fired handler (Paul Fix) steal the ape so the doctor can use it in an experiment. Using glandular fluid from Dorothy and his nurse (Fay Helm) he transforms Cheela into the beautiful Paula Dupree (Acquanetta) who arrives at the circus just in time to save Mason from a lion as she seems to have some power over the animals. The circus boss (Lloyd Corrigan) hires her to keep an eye on the lions and tigers while Mason performs with them. Everything is fine until Paula sees Mason kiss Beth. Obviously jealous she begins to turn back into her old simian self and tries to kill Beth. Later Walters plans another experiment using both sisters but Paula/Cheela kills him and heads for the circus arriving just in time to save Mason when a lightening storm wrecks the place. She's shot and dies....or does she?

This little horror film may seem like just another Universal quickie but 2 sequels followed. It's been said that the only reason Milburn Stone (later “Doc” on the long running TV western GUNSMOKE) got the lead is because of his resemblance to the real Clive Beatty who is actually working with the animals in the long shots. Director Edward Dmytryk does a good job of matching them together but the strange flashback almost makes it seem as though the movie was re-edited before it's release. Carradine is his usual cool collected self as the mad but total rational doctor but it's the exotic Acquanetta who steals the show, although some may be disappointed by her brief turn as a hairy ape woman.

In real life Acquanetta's origins are a bit of a mystery though born in Wyoming many  biographies list her real name as Mildred Davenport while the actress herself claimed a different moniker. She co-starred in several other Universal movies and returned for  a "Captive" sequel.

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I Don't Get it

THE ROOST-2005-In a black and white intro Tom Noonan is a horror host who introduces the story and even interrupts it later on. Three guys and a girl on their way to a wedding have a car accident. They wonder around a bit then come to a house where earlier an old couple were killed. A cop picks them up but he's killed and one guy disappears. The remaining three are terrorized by vampire bats and the reanimated corpses of the cop and the old couple. It's seems to be some kind of weird found footage horror movie that really makes no sense. Larry Fessenden was the executive producer and appears as a tow trucker driver. Director Ti West later made CABIN FEVER 2 and a segment of V/H/S.

 

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Bad Teen

EXCISION-2012-Misfit Teen Pauline (AnnaLynne McCord, who's actually good in the role) is a smart ass religion obsessed jerk who makes a guy go down on her when she's on her period. She insults a priest (John Waters!) and has bloody fantasies. Her stupid domineering mother is played by Tracy Lords (trying to win an Academy Award). Later she shaves her head and dissects her sister and a friend. There are also small bits by Marlee Maitlin, Ray Wise and Malcolm McDowell. I question the sanity of writer/director Richard Bates Jr. for making this pretty strange horror movie.

 

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Don't Make a Dinosaur (or me either...)

THE DINOSAUR PROJECT-2012-Found footage nonsense depicting a British explorer's trek to a remote part of Africa where dinosaurs are said to dwell. Also along are his assistant (who later on betrays the explorer) and a film crew (plus the explorer's son who stows away). They all seem unprepared for the task and are almost immediately attacked by giant pterodactyl like bats (or vice-versa). Later they are terrorized by a sea monster, T-Rex and other Jurassic Park type nasties but it's mostly the cast talking to the camera and shaky photography. Director Sid Bennett did mostly TV work before this UK production.

 

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Burn The Negative!

BUTCHER BOYS-2012-In San Antonio,Texas 4 assholes run into a gang of wise ass cannibals in this inane horror/thriller written and produced by Kim Henkel who wrote the original TCSM. The poor sap is still trying to cash in on that fact and recapture the cult success it brought. Too bad he can only succeed in making more derivative bullshit reserved for the direct to DVD wasteland.

 

To top it off it boasts two directors (Duane Graves & Justin Meeks)  yet can't even come up with one original idea. I rarely say this but avoid at all costs. Use the 86 minutes this turkey runs to do something constructive, like rearranging your sock draw!

 

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