Crap Train To Terror

 

 (imdb)

NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR-1985-On a train, a terrible rock band play. Also on the train are God (un-billed Ferdy Mayne) and Satan (un-billed Tony Giorgio) who discuss various things in this low budget trilogy. 

In the first story, “The Case of Harry Bilings”, an accident victim named Harry (John Phillip Law) is turned into a weirdo who drugs women and brings them to an institution where a big doofus intern Otto (Richard Moll) rapes and dismembers them and sells their body parts. Later a female doctor lobotomizes a male doctor. Harry decapitates Otto and discovers the male doctor operating on the female doctor. I thought this might have been a misfire black comedy despite the subject matter.

Number 2: “The Case of Gretta Connors”. A musician named Greta (Merideth Hayes) is turned into a porno actress by a jerk named George (J. Martin Sellers). Glen, a preppie type sees one of Gretta's movies and falls in love with her. Somehow, he meets her and they become lovers. It turns out George is the head of “The Death Club” whose members have all had brushes with death. Something called a “Transinian Winged Beetle” (terrible animation) stings a guy to death and his eyeballs explode. They also play an electrocution game where an African American guy is burned to death. Later they play a game of death with a construction ball that looks like something from the '60's “Batman” TV show.

The third story is called “The Case of Claire Hansen”, Mr. Weiss (Marc Lawrence) enlists a police Lt. (Cameron Mitchell) and his assistant Dieter (also Marc Lawrence) to help him trap a Nazi. Then Weiss is killed by a fanged monster. Coroner Claire Hansen (Faith Cliff) examines the body. Her husband Peter is the author of the book “Is God Dead?”. A guy named Papini warns Peter the devil is coming for him. The Nazi is now the still young Mr. Oliver (Robert Bristol), a murderer sporting goat legs. The boyfriend of one of Oliver's victims tries to kill him but is crushed by a red eyed monster (terrible animation). Strange rubbery demons attack Claire but it seems to be an illusion. A priest tells her she was picked by God to battle the devil. He gives her a box and tells her to cut out Oliver's heart and put it in the box. A badly animated monster kills Papini. The Lt and Dieter are blown up. Then Oliver turns into a demon (bad puppet) and kills Peter. Somehow Claire runs Oliver down with her car and takes him to a hospital to remove his heart. Everything goes awry in the bloody operating room finale but Satan wins.

 The band plays some more but fortunately are killed when the train crashes. (but sadly, they seem to come back to life) This out of whack z budget trilogy was actually made from three full length or almost finished films and the third story actually was released in full length form as CATACLYSM. Four directors are credited but the screenwriting for all the stories go to one person, Phillip Yordan, who once won an Oscar for the screenplay of BROKEN LANCE (1954)!

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More Price Magic

 

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THE LONG NIGHT-1947-A mysterious stranger is shot at a rooming house. The police investigate and when they go to the room of Joe Adams (Henry Fonda) he shoots at them through the door. When he won't cooperate, they shoot at him from a building across the street but that doesn't work. A flashback relates what has happened Joe, a factory worker who meets Jo Ann (Barbara Bel Geddes), who works in a flower shop. They fall in love and he wants to marry her. She seems hesitant (of course she's hiding a secret). Joe follows her to a smoky nightclub where magician Maximillan the Great (the one and only Vincent Price) performs. Jo meets with Max for some unknown reason. Max's assistant Charlene (Ann Dvorak) gives Joe the lowdown on her boss. He and Charlene begin a friendship. Max says he's Jo's father despite her being an orphan. He thinks Jo is no good for Joe. Then Jo has a flashback where we find out Max is not her father but a guy who tried to put the moves on her. He wants to break the couple up and says “Do I have to apologize for superior imagination?”. When Max goes to see Joe, he won't shut up and Joe shoots him. Back in the present Jo talks Joe out of the apartment amid a teargas attack. 

A bevy of characters appear: Elisha Cook Jr., Queenie Smith, Charles McGraw, Bobby Barber, Ellen Corby, Byron Foulger, Mary Gordon, Richard Reeves, Ray Teal, Dick Wessel and Will Wright. This kind of crime drama/love story/film noir was directed by Anatole Litvak (THE SNAKE PIT) after spending most of the WW2 years making a short film documentary series “Why We Fight” with Frank Capra. 

The movie succeeds if you are not looking for a huge payoff in the finale, otherwise it's a slight disappointment. It also depends on your point of view with Joe's predicament. He doesn't really evoke that much sympathy. This was lead actress Bel Geddes' movie debut. Among other things, she's remembered as the lead on TV's “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” episode “Lamb To The Slaughter”.

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Karloffnaut

 

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JUGGERNAUT-1936-Dr. Satorius (Boris Karloff) is in Morocco researching a cure for fractured paralysis, but his funding is terminated. Relocating to the French Riviera, he has a strange manservant named Jacques (Gibb McLaughlin). He hires a nurse and is visited by Lady Clifford (Mona Goya), the wife of a cotton millionaire (Morton Seltin)), who's having an affair with Halliday (Anthony Ireland), a guy who lost all his money gambling. Lady Clifford promises Satorius a fortune if he becomes her hubby's live-in doctor but with an ulterior motive of course. Son Roger (Arthur Margetson) arrives and Dad tells him he is to be sole heir to his money. Suddenly he falls ill. 

This convoluted little murder mystery seems like casting Karloff was an afterthought. Director Henry Edwards made SCROOGE (with Seymour Hicks in the title role) the year before.

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Boy 2

 

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BRAHMS: THE BOY 2-2020-After a traumatic home invasion, a family decides to move to the country to help their son Jude (Christopher Convery) who's left mute. They are only in the countryside a little while when Jude finds a creepy doll buried in the forest. Later they meet Joe the caretaker (Ralph Ineson) who obviously knows more about the doll than he's telling. Jude names the doll Brahms and it becomes his constant companion. Strange things happen like their TV going on by itself and when no one is looking Brahms turns its head or moves its eyes. Slowly the creepy doll begins to take over Jude, planning on killing both parents (Katie Holmes & Owain Yeoman). 

This isn't bad thanks mainly to the subtle direction of William Brent Bell, who also made part one (which was called THE BOY and not part one since he probably didn't know if there was going to be a part 2 when he made the first one).

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Ape vs. Rip-Off

 

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APE VS. MONSTER-2021-A baby monkey lost in a space experiment returns as a giant ape. An African-America scientist Linda (Arianna Scott) and a Russian agent (Katie Sereika) investigate with a wimpy white guy (Shane Hartigan) when a gigantic lizard also shows up. Linda wants to save the ape but the army wants to destroy it. Eric Roberts is the head of National Security. The acting and dialogue is pretty bad. Later Linda's estranged father (Rudy Bentz) (who of course is white) shows up to help. An alien spaceship seems to be controlling them. Both monsters show up in DC to duke it out the same year as Kong vs Godzilla. 

What a coincidence! The Asylum strikes again! 

The director Bunny Bravo later made THE ADVENTURES OF DANIEL LUSKO...er...sorry. That should be the director Daniel Lusko later made THE ADVENTURES OF BUNNY BRAVO....

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2 Downeys for the Price of One

 

 (imdb)

CHAFED ELBOWS-1966-Dismore (George Morgan), a moron who is having an affair his mother (Elsie Downey), gets involved with a lot of weird people in this underground hit made by Robert Downey Sr. using still photos, post-synced dialogue and one short color scene. Very much a product of its time, some of the dialogue is clever but dated. Downey's wife plays all the female parts. Doesn't even try to hide the fact it's sub low budget. Just goes with it.

 (imdb)

BABO 73-1964-Nonsensical black & white low budget political satire about Sandy Sudsbury (Taylor Mead), the newly elected President of the United Status. He tackles the cold war, racial discrimination and two-faced politicians. Some of the dialogue is funny. Written, produced and directed by Robert Downey Sr. I'm sure this and CHAFED ELBOWS (see above) influenced John Waters. Taylor Mead was in many early Andy Warhol shorts.

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Grenwich Village Killer

 

 (imdb)

VIOLATED-1953-It's like Ed Wood meets Ron Ormond in this very cheap sleazy thriller. In Greenwich Village in NYC, Police investigate the murders of several models/strippers. A tall police lieutenant (Mitchell Kowall) questions everyone. The suspects the cops pick up are pretty amazing looking weirdos. A photographer, Jan Verbick (William Holland in his only film role) is the culprit. He becomes obsessed with a stripper named Lili (Lili Dawn) but she rebuffs him. ("Beat it, ya jerk. I told ya to scram!") After he kills her, he runs down a fire escape in a funny scene. He gets away and the next day he tries to strangle his new young model. The police burst in and arrest him. Under sodium pentothal, Jan reveals why he kills women. The end seems to suggest another killer is around. 

There's an unusual scene (for the time) where two men have their arms around each other. Except for a short film based on “Othello” this was director William Strate's only film. It was produced and written by William Mishkin who years later produced Andy Mulligan's early movies. Lili Dawn was an “exotic dancer” who's only other film appearances are in 8mm films by Irving Klaw.

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