Goon

Pearl Harbor day has come and gone. It was pretty much ignored around here. I feel sorry for veterans like my Dad who spent an extra three years in the army because of the attack. He had 5 months to go on his hitch before it happened. But he survived and because he did I'm here and so is this review:



DOWN AMONG THE Z MEN-1952-This is the only full length film to feature the 4 original members (Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan & Michael Bentine) of THE GOON SHOW, the classic English TV/radio comedy series. Sad to say it's not very good despite the presence of Sellers & Milligan.

The story is about a whacky professor (Bentine) who loses his formula for a secret gas. A dumb grocery clerk (Secombe) tries to help him and winds up getting drafted. He teams up with a stupid corporal (Milligan) to stop some spies from getting the top secret formula. Sellers is Major Bloodnok (a character he created on the show) the commanding officer. Singer Carole Carr is featured as an undercover agent who sings a couple of songs.

Some routines are performed but it's just not very funny. I guess it's out dated (1952 WAS a long time ago). However THE GOONS themselves inspired MONTY PYTHON and a host of others.

Today is also the 115th birthday of EC Segar, who created Popeye The Sailor!

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Two Strange Films

STRANGE ILLUSION-1945-A teenager (Jimmy Lydon, the former star of the HENRY ALDRICH movie series; not Johnny Rotten’s brother) suspects his mom’s new beau (Warren William in his last role) may have been responsible for his father’s death. He pretends he needs psychiatric help so he can expose the guilty men. He gets help from the family doctor (Regis Toomey) and has a strange, prophetic dream.

Director Edgar G. Ulmer (from Austria-Hungry; now The Czech Republic) made the classic (and controversial) Universal Karloff-Lugosi team-up THE BLACK CAT in 1934 but worked mainly for basement budget companies like PRC turning out some film noir classics like DETOUR (made the year before), BLUEBEARD and THE MAN FROM PLANET X.

Supposedly Ulmer had an affair with a Universal studio boss’ wife (who he later married) which put him on the shit list with all major studios! If anyone could make “ a silk purse out of a sow’s ear” it was Ulmer!



THE STRANGE WOMAN-1946-Strange indeed! Hedy Lamaar stars as the title character who uses her feminine wilds to get whatever she wants. She marries storekeeper Gene Lockhart for his money then woos his son (Louis Hayward). She drives him to kill his old man then dumps him for his best friend (George Sanders), who dumps his own fiancée (Hilary Brooke). Eventually her evil deeds catch up with her in the dumb finale. This farfetched movie only works if you feel Lamaar was “the most beautiful actress ever”. Otherwise...

The rest of the cast includes Ian Keith and future TV Batman butler Alan Napier. Director Ulmer tries hard to do his best with what he’s got but it’s one of his weakest. Lamaar (from Vienna) had made a big splash with her semi-nude scenes in the German made EXTASE in 1932. She had a short successful career in Hollywood and even developed a guiding system for torpedoes during WW2! She retired in the late ‘50’s and was only heard from sporadically after that, several times for her arrests on shoplifting charges. She died in 2000 at 87.




Personally Edgar Ulmer was one of the greatest directors ever!

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Sunday Morning Trio

Misguided, stilted attempt to make a western that had a more sympath-etic portrayal of The American Indian, GERONIMO (1962) stars Chuck Connors (riding high with his THE RIFLEMAN series at the time) as the proud Native American leader who leads 50 warrirors in a stand off with the US Army. Future WILD WILD WEST TV co-star Ross Martin plays his plain talking second ba-nana who decides to join with him even though he likes farming corn on the reservation. Adam West (who in a mere four years would rocket to TV fame as "Batman") is a sympath-etic officier. The soon to be Mrs. Connors, Kamala Devi plays Mrs. Geronimo (Wonder if she knows a pro-wrestler stole her name?). 

Denver Pyle and Lawrence Dobkin are also in the cast. It's not the laugh-fest it could have been and the filmakers seem to be sincere in their attempt to show the Indians' plight but despite some good action sequences it never really gets off the ground. Still it has it's entertaining moments.


The director, Arnold Laven had made some other movies like the seldom seen THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD but he went on to direct all sorts of TV series in all different genres in-cluding MARCUS WELBY MD, THE PLANET OF THE APES, SHAZAM, ISIS, THE ROCKFORD FILES and many many others.

Unless it's THE MATRIX beware of movies with 2 directors. Such is the case with THE DANGEROUS (1994), a violent disjoined New Orleans based crime drama featuring Cary Hiro-yuki-Tagawa as a ninja like assassin out for revenge on the shits who killed his sister. As I've said before Tagawa should be in better movies but who listens to me? Michael Pare' (who doesn't deserve to be in better movies) is a cop investigating the case. I mean does this guy Pare' really think anyone cares that he has an accent over his name? No wonder he makes crappy movies like this. Nobody wants to bother to spell his name correctly!



Smooth skinned challenged Robert Davi plays an ex-cop (?) who comes back from the Mid-West (?) to help. He teams up with Pare' and gives new meaning to the word "dicks". This plays like two different movies with two different storylines (re-member: two directors!). Juan Fer-nadez (who started his career in movies like Doris Wishman's THE AMAZING TRANSPLANT) is a mob boss. John Savage (who apparently has an agent who cares nothing about his career) is a hitman who guts a guy while opera music plays. Joel Grey (proving that even Oscar winners can hit rock bottom) is a grubby informer named Flea. Elliot Gould is a weird movie projectionist with a hair net. Former Playboy centerfold (an ex-OJ girlfriend) Paula Barbieri is the female lead but doesn't even take off her shoes!! 

Who made this movie? A Bene-dictine Monk???? 

The one good scene takes place in a movie theater. Producer David Winters is responsible for a lot of junk......




Dolph Lundgren has been around for a while. Most film goers remember him as the angry Russian boxer in ROCKY 4 (or 5?). He made a lot of action movies after that including SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO with the late Brandon Lee, the original screen version of the comicbook avenger THE PUNISHER and sci-fi movies like I COME IN PEACE. I always felt he was a little easier to take than guys like Stallone or Bruce Willis (who's so called action movies got big releases then died at the box office) but eventually he became just another direct to video "action guy" and seemed to run out of things to do.

Such is the case with PENTATHLON (1994) which begins in 1988 at The Seoul Olympics. East Germany athelete Erik (Lundgren, also a co-executive producer) shows off his expertise in swimming, fencing, shooting, horseback, eating and smirking. His authoritarian coach is played by David Soul (with a German accent). The secret police won't let Erik or the rest of his team fratentize with The Americans. He decides to defect to the US and becomes a short order cook/drunk. Roger Mosley is his boss who becomes Erik's coach when he decides to come out of retirement ("I'm gonna be your O-lympic fuel"). Soul is still around and is now a neo-Nazi. He wants to wreck Erik's chances and bring him back home. This is kind of a Rocky inspired Don Wilson martial arts/espionage/ action drama without Wilson or martial arts.

Director Bruce Malmuth (who also acts in this) once had a career, making NIGHTHAWKS with Stallone, THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE (a flop comedy with Steve Guttenberg) and HARD TO KILL with Steven Seagal. Though I guess it's not hard to figure out how he wound up doing this!

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Let's Get This Outta The Way

I once wanted to do another blog with reviews of Martial Arts films and the like but that didn't work out so not to let anything go to waste here are some of those reviews. Most of them are unfinished but what the hell.....

CANTONEN IRON KUNG-FU-1979-Typical but entertaining (and sometimes confusing) period martial arts movie with good fights and funny dubbed dialogue. Locals stand up to some thugs and action ensues. The DVD copy I saw was an excellent letterboxed transfer! Kind of unusual for this type of forgotten flick!

DANCE OF DEATH-1980-Although his semi-comic martial arts films isn’t that good, it’s nice to see Angela Mao in a change of pace role beating up guys in a Jackie Chan style story. It’s generally considered that Chan himself choreographed the fights under a pseudonym. The plot does have similarities to several movies Chan made around the same time. All the fights are great though!

IRON MONKEY-1977-A reckless gambler (director/star Kuan Tai Chen) goes after his father’s killers by joining a rival gang. It’s pretty boring until the last half hour when IM kills the bad guys. Chen also made IRON MONKEY STRIKES BACK (and many other Shaw Bros. productions) in 1978 but I don’t think it’s a direct sequel.

SHAOLIN TRAITOROUS-1976-This is an overlooked Martial Arts film that deserves more attention. The letter-boxed version I saw was not dubbed but the sub-titles were so small I could hardly read them! It hardly matters though! A guy (Wang Chia-Ta AKA Carter Wong, also in BRUCE LEE’S SECRET) sees his family killed as a boy and seeks revenge. A woman (Polly Shang Kwan) helps him. Sammo Hung plays one of his few villainous roles (with gray hair) and has a terrific fight with Wong but all the fights are well choreographed. Yi Chang is the main villain who has a bloody fight with Wong and Kwan in the finale. I’ve read that director Sing Ting Mei’s follow-up SHAOLIN RED MASTER is pretty good too.

MY 12 KUNG FU KICKS-1979-Typical martial arts period piece with a hero (Bruce Leung) fighting for revenge after being trained by three masters who were maimed by the main bald headed villian. It features some nice "Jackie Chan" like slapstick fighting and some gore but by the time Leung vanquishes his foe all the sub-plots (including the rescue of his kidnapped girlfriend) are forgotten though that might be due to the English re-editing. Director Lu Po Tu (who also made THE SHAOLIN KID with Leung) made around 40 movies, many with the name "Bruce" in the title. In 2004, after two decades of not working in movies Leung returned as the villian in Stephen Chow's KUNG FU HUSTLE.

FIST POWER-2000-Jackie Chan style comedy-drama with usual villain Anthony Wong as a disgruntled ex-army officer whose son is taken away from him by his callous ex- wife and her unscrupulous gangster husband. He holds a grade school class hostage demanding the return of his son. A vacationing security chief (Man Cheuk Chiu) whose nephew also attends the school promises to bring Wong’s son back within 24 hours. Despite the serious plot there’s a lot of comedy and comic action.

MARTIAL ANGELS-(2001)-Kind of disapointing action drama from director Clarence Fok Yiu-leung (sometimes billed in the West as Clarence Ford). Qi Shu (also in the equally disapointing THE TRANSPORTER) leads a group of women (with names like Octopus, Cat and Monkey) planning a big heist. The action is there but it's really not enough as the story is more concern with Shu's relationship with her boyfriend (Terence Yin from DEAD OR ALIVE : FINAL and TOMB RAIDER: CRADLE OF LIFE).

COP ON A MISSION-2001-This is an excellent Hong Kong crime drama with Daniel Wu as a cop who goes undercover to bring down a Triad mob boss Brother Tan (Eric Tsang in a great role) but winds up becoming a gangster himself. He has an affair with Tan's wife (Suki Kwan), kills his friend who is also an undercover cop and eventually even kills his own police boss. When he tries to take over Tan's mob however he lives to regret it. The director Marco Mak also works as a film editor. Well, actually this review doesn't belong here....

This was too long! Thanks for reading!

Old Zoo Revue

MURDERS IN THE ZOO-1933-The always great Lionel Atwill is a millionaire who collects animals for a zoo. The movie opens with him sewing a man's mouth shut for trying to kiss his wife! Kathleen Burke (Lota The Panther Woman in ISLAND OF LOST SOULS the same year) is Atwill's philandering wife, plotting to runaway with John Lodge. Randolph Scott (who had an un-billed "beast man" role in ISLAND OF LOST SOULS) is a zoo lab technican working with snakes. The sinister story however suffers from the comical antics of Charles Ruggles as a fast talking press agent. Like after fainting from fright he says "Is there a good laundry in town?" Atwill gives a party at the zoo where the guests are surrounded by wild animals but it's ruined when Lodge is bitten by a snake and dies (how convenient!).

Atwill gives a terrific performance as the high class but obsessed husband who eventually throws Burke in an alligator pit and pins two murders on Scott's character. His demise is pretty memorable too. Gail Patrick plays Scott's love interest/assistant.

Atwill made the classic MYSTERY IN THE WAX MUSEUM and THE VAMPIRE BAT the same year. John Lodge ended his career playing Luther The Bersek in the low budget horror film THE WITCHMAKER in 1969.

Strangely director A. Edward Sutherland later directed WC Fields in POPPY (1936), Laurel & Hardy in THE FLYING DEUCES (1939) and Abbott & Costello's film debut ONE NIGHT IN THE TROPICS in 1940!
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Hollywood Horror

HOLLYWOOD HORROR HOUSE-1969-This junk is like the classic HOLLYWOOD BLVD. but with gore, psychedelic dream sequences and characters using drugs. 69-year-old Miriam Hopkins (in her last role) plays the Norma Desmond type former silent screen star named Katherine Parker. Between drinking vodka and dreaming about a comeback she falls down a flight of stairs and breaks her leg. She hires Vic (John David Garfield) to assist her in her recovery even though it’s obvious he’s a loony who as flashbacks of his mother having sex with several men just before he cuts off her hand. He has an affair with the young maid (Virginia Wing) but she gets chopped up.

After a dinner party with Katherine’s very boring old friends (one guy falls asleep at the table) she and Vic have an (ugh) affair and he takes her to a wild party and gives her drugs. In one bizarre scene Katherine hallucinates she’s in The Santa Claus Lane Parade! Former Hollywood screen villain Gale Sonnergaard (in her first film role in 20 years!) is Katherine’s secretary who suspects something’s up. Another real life former ‘30’s star Florence Lake is the housekeeper and Joe Besser has a small role as a tour bus driver.

Later after killing Katherine (and everybody else) Vic talks and sleeps with a mannequin of her!

Hopkins gives a pretty good performance considering the circumstances (all rotten). Her character doesn’t have the has-been type decadence of Gloria Swanson. She still looks fairly glamorous (and threatens a topless scene!). Garfield (the son of the famous actor who died at 39) was also a film editor. I hope he was better at that job. His acting was somewhere between standing still and not caring.

The director of grisly embarrassing mess was one Donald Wolfe who’s other claim to fame seems to be that he edited THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS. He also wrote and produced it so there are not too many other people to blame...

HHH is also known as SAVAGE INTRUDER and THE COMEBACK.

One note: My friend Mike lend me this video. He told me there is a scene where you can see “the clapper” before the scene starts (much like in MANOS-HANDS OF FATE) but I didn’t notice this and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna watch this thing again!!

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Paul Naschy-1934-2009