Armed Response

ARMED RESPONSE-1986-In this crazed sometimes funny Fred Olen Ray action drama, David Carradine plays Jim Roth, a veteran tortured by memories of Viet-Nam who now runs a bar. His war vet father Burt is played by Lee Van Cleef! A Yakusa gang leader named Tanaka (Mako) is after a stolen statue. He dispatches two underlings, Thorton (Ross Hagen acting weird as usual) and one of Jim's brothers (David Goss) to deliver a million dollars to buy the statue from the comic duo of Laurene Landon and Dick Miller. Thorton betrays his partner and a bloody shoot out ensues. He beats it out with the money and the statue. Later Tanaka has another brother (Brent Huff) tortured with some kind of acupuncture. After he dies Jim and Burt go for revenge. Fights, shootings and explosions abound. Some of the dialogue is terrible but Tanaka's main henchmen are played by Michael Berryman and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa.

Also with Lois Hamilton, Burr DeBenning, Conan Lee and Bobbie Bresee (in one quick scene). This was one of Lee Van Cleef's last roles. He died in 1989 of a heart attack at age 63.

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The Bad Penny Finally Turns Up!

THE HELLCATS-1968-When a police detective investigating a drug dealing motorcycle gang is murdered, his fiance' Linda (Dee Duffy) and soldier brother Monte (Ross Hagen, a regular on TV's DAKTARI at the time) infiltrate The Hellcats, a bunch of weird drug using bikers with names like Six Pack, Hiney, Snake, Zombie and Scorpio. Their kind of leader is Snake (Sonny West). Linda and Monte hang out with the stoned gang and drink beer at a place run by an old man (Fredric Downs). Sometimes everyone talks in a strange incomprehensible slang. Snake and another guy have a chain fight. Monte breaks it up saying "Peace brothers. No more war...yet". Later Monte and Linda are roughed up by the dealers but it's scummy dirtbag bikers to the rescue!

There's a lot of bad acting, boredom and people riding motorcycles...and not much else. Future director Gus Trikonis is in one scene. One of THE HELLCATS producers was Anthony Cardoza (who worked on Coleman Francis' 3 movies) who appears as an artist who gets beat up. Co-writer/assistant director Tony Huston co-starred in 3 Larry Buchanan movies! Director Robert F. Slatzer (who made BIGFOOT in 1970) is Mr. Adrian, a drug dealer.

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Not So Terrific Trio...

MY BREAKFAST WITH BLASSIE-1983 -I’ve never understood the lure of Andy Kaufman (1949-1984). His movie bio didn’t do very well, so I think younger audiences don’t really know him. Still, he’s achieved a kind of cult staus. He was a wacky stand-up comic who made it big through the TV show TAXI and always had a strange story situation as an act.

Around the time he made this direct to video relic he’d been wrestling women in Memphis and feuding with pro-wrestler Jerry “The King” Lawler (who “slapped” him silly on The David Letterman Show). Wearing a neck brace from “an injury” sustained by Lawler, Kaufman literally has breakfast with another pro-wrestler “Classy” Freddy Blassie (who died in 2003). They both act like rude, stuck up assholes (were they acting?) and Blassie talks about his career, The Shah of Iran, herpes, Elvis and other stuff. He insults their pregnant Thai waitress and starts arguments with various customers. Kaufman does his “Laika” voice, tries to pick up a woman and really comes off like a chauvinist dunce (I guess he WAS acting....).

Famed Los Angeles ring announcer Jimmy Lennon appears in a pre-credit scene. I guess it was take-off on MY DINNER WITH ANDRE but I still can’t see the real point (unless it was just an “advertisement” for his ‘inter-gender championship” act) as it’s not that funny and at times quite bizarre. But I guess that was Andy Kaufman! His manager Bob Zmuda also appears. A Johnny Legend Production.


ALIENINATOR-1989- Fun nonsense from director Fred Olen Ray about an escaped alien criminal (Ross Hagen) with a slave collar around his neck. He acts very strange but after the collar is removed he acts even weirder! He meets up with a group of dorks and hero-sheriff John Phillip Law (who died in 2008). A female prison agent (Teagen) is after Hagen and (thankfully) the dorks get in her way. She fries Ray “regulars” Robert Quarry (as an alcoholic doctor; he died this past Feb.) and Hoke Howell & Fox Harris (in his last role) as poachers. Law and the surviving dorks later on get help from ex-soldier Leo V. Gordon (acting like R. Lee Ermey).

Framing type sequences on another planet feature Robert Clarke, PJ Soles and Jay Richardson. Jeffrey C. Hogue was the producer and the cinematography is by Gary Graver.




RIVERWORLD-(Canada)-(2002)-Making a movie version of sci-fi author Phillip Jose’ Farmer’s immense “River World” series seems an impossible task. This made for the Sci-Fi channel adaptation doesn’t help. Dead people from all different eras in time are re-born (or re-animated?) on the alien controlled Riverworld. Brad Johnson (who was appearing in the quasi-religious LEFT BEHIND series at the time) stars as an American astronaut from the year 2009. Emily Lloyd (who’d seen better days in WISH YOU WHERE HERE and COOKIE) is Alice. It’s nothing like the books and mostly it’s the villain, a resurrected Nero (Jonathan Cake) trying to enslave everyone and generally over acting while the only non-human lectures about how bad humans are. Sam Clemens/Mark Twain (Cameron Daddo) shows up but mostly it seems to be a pilot for a projected series.

Director Kari Skogland mainly did TV (Dead At 21, Queer As Folk) but also a few films CHILDREN OF THE CORN-666 and ZEBRA LOUNGE (also with Daddo).

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Reel Horror..Real Bad

REEL HORROR-1985-Be warned! This is not a movie! It’s a piece of crap! It’s actually a compilation of 8 movies just thrown together with a some new video footage added of some freaks trying to be funny. I say trying to be because although there’s music and sound effects there’s no dialogue! Even when the actors (?) are speaking!

And the films they use aren’t actually scenes. They are more like condensed versions! To add to the nonsense the films are also shown without dialogue and new music and sound effects are added! All the non-action stops at one point so a stupid song can be sung!

According to the credits this dreck was “conceived and directed by” actor Ross Hagen, a guy who’s been hanging out in independent movies for years. He produced and starred in the ludicrous SIDEHACKERS and directed as well as co-starred in one of the films used here, NIGHT CREATURE. He must have been doing some heavy drugs when he “conceived” this. But the actually worst thing about it is they have the nerve to imply that John Carradine Leslie Caron and Catherine Bach star in this mess because of their appearances in the films that were used!

It’s a good thing capital punishment isn’t used for bad filmmaking. Some of the other films used: CYCLE SAVAGE MAXIE NICOLE and PIGS.

Thanks to my friend Tony who supplied the DVD I saw and thanks for reading!