A Hex On Them!

JONAH HEX-2010-More comic book revisionist bullshit. This CGI driven action western reduces the DC comic character into another violent killing machine. It's much like any direct to video junk featuring Van Damme, Seagal or some MMA fighter on the market today except for the western setting.

Josh Brolin (very good in the role) is Hex an ex-confederate soldier who's family was murdered by crazy Confederate general Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich; also very good) who also gives Jonah is distinctive facial scars (in the comic Apaches did it). Somehow he can also talk to the dead and he carries two Gatling guns on each side of his saddle! He also has a sawed off shotgun that shoots rockets. General Grant (Aidan Quinn) enlists Hex to catch Turnbull who Hex believed to be dead. Turnbull wants to build a "super weapon" that Eli Whitney designed for the government. He wants to use it to kill everyone on the 4th of July.

Megan Fox is a prostitute Hex is sweet on. Also with Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett, Tom Wopat, Lance Reddick and Rance Howard.

Strangely director Jimmy Hayward's previous effort was HORTON HEARS A WHO! Despite the nice acting by the leads and the over all excellent direction (there are some stupid parts) there's something missing from this adaptation to make it really entertaining. Oh yeah, it's not really like the comic book character....

Here's the real McCoy!:



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Band Junk

TERRORVISION-1986-This is a stupid sci-fi/horror/comedy from the now defunct Empire Pictures who’s owner Charles Band flooded the video shelves with his direct to video projects.

An idiotic television obsessed family’s satellite dish is invaded by alien space junk. A blob like monster (that seems to have one eye attached to it’s penis) crushes heads and vaporizes its victims. They can also reanimate them so no one suspects expect the young son (Chad Allen). The victims include disco clad swinger parents (Gerrit Graham and Mary Woronov), their annoying grandfather (Bert Remsen) and two other “swingers” (Alejandro Rey and Randi Brooks). Their daughter (Diane Franklin) and her metal head boyfriend (Jonathan Gries) try teach the monster about Earth (“This is music. It’s almost as important as food”).

Director Ted Nicolaou made the SUBSPECIES series and other stuff for Band who’s brother Richard wrote the music. TV clips include scenes for ROBOT MONSTER and EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS.

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Early Jack

BACK DOOR TO HELL-1964-Three army intelligence operatives land in Manila just before McArthur to try and destroy a Japanese communications outfit. It was filmed in The Philippines by Monte Hellman so the few Japanese soldiers are played by Filipinos. The leader of the trio is played by singer Jimmie Rodgers. John Hackett (who co-wrote the screenplay) and still unknown Jack Nicolson (who speaks Japanese…?) are the other two. They get help from a local guerilla outfit and torture a Japanese general. The dialogue is rather stilted and there’s not much action. Nicolson was also in RIDE THE WILD WIND and FLIGHT TO FURY for Hellman. Hackett was later a stand-in for Nicolson.

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Movies I'll Never Get Around To Writing Anymore About!

THE REBELLIOUS REIGN-1980-A martial artist (Jimmy Lee aka Lung Fong) teams up with a Prince (Norman Chu) in a grab for power set during The Ching Dynasty. Nice period piece with a bunch of long violent fights and a pessimistic ending.



TWO DRAGONS AGAINST THE TIGER-1975-Typical Hong Kong martial arts movie is almost all non-stop fights. A group of friends strike gold and want to find wives. However revenge gets in the way of their plans and everyone fights!



AVP: ALIEN VS. PREDATOR-2004-Millionaire Lance Hendriksen assembles a group of scientists, soldiers and doctors to investigate an underwater pyramid his satellite radar discovers. After a bit of exploring it becomes obvious that they are in middle of a war between 2 modern day horror/Sci-Fi icons! Those deviously reproducing aliens and Governor Swarzenegger’s worst nightmare, the other worldly Predators! It seems the Predators bred the aliens as a test for their mightiest warriors (and really stacked the deck against themselves!). The team is killed and a few go the “John Hurt route”. Director Paul W. Anderson also made RESIDENT EVIL, EVENT HORIZON and MORTAL KOMBAT.

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The Stooges and West Out West

THE OUTLAWS IS COMING!-1965-The Three Stooges reek havoc in the old west!

Adam West (just before the BATMAN TV show) plays a crusading Boston magazine editor who goes to Wyoming to stop the slaughter of the buffalo. Of course he takes his three assistants (Moe, Larry & Curly Joe) along with him. There they run into town boss Rance Roden (Don Lamond) and gunslinger Trigger Mortis (Mort Mills) who are deliberating killing the buffalo to start a war with the Indians. Nancy Kovack is Annie Oakley.

It’s kind of dumb but the Stooges manage a few good laughs. There’s no eye poking but a lot of slapstick and even some pie throwing. Stooge second (or fourth?) banana Emil Sitka plays 3 roles. Henry Gibson plays a hip talking Indian and 1960’s children’s TV host “Officer” Joe Bolton has a small role.

Not counting KOOK’S TOUR (an aborted project that was later re-edited) this was the last of the “new” Stooges feature films (which began in 1959 with HAVE ROCKET-WILL TRAVEL). It was directed by Moe’s son-in-law Norman Maurer (who also directed them in AROUND THE WORLD IN A DAZE two years before). Maurer (along with comic book artist Joe Kubert) created the first 3-D comic book as well as well as the “CineMagic” film process (with producer Sidney Pink). He managed the Stooges from 1957 until Larry Fine’s stroke in the early ‘70’s. He later created the cartoon series THE THREE ROBOTIC STOOGES and worked on other Hanna-Barbera projects. He died in 1986.

It was a comic book too!



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It's A Croc!

ROGUE-2007-A giant crocodile terrorizes some tourists who get shipwrecked in an Australian swamp. Everybody fights and argues and the victims are picked off. Radha Mitchell (SILENT HILL) is the tour guide and Michael Vartan (TV’s ALIAS) is an American reporter. Both whisper a lot. Later on Vartan finds the croc’s lair and loses some fingers fighting it hand to hand! A “been there, seen that” horror film. Sam Worthington (recently seen as Perseus in the CLASH OF THE TITANS remake) is an early victim. Director Glen Mclean had previously made WOLF CREEK. 

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More of The Same

ASYLUM-2008-More derivative psychological horror nonsense has a group of teens staying in a dorm that used to be an insane asylum for teenagers where the doctor did experiments on them. One teen (Sarah Roemer from DISTURBIA) who'd seen her father kill himself when she was little has weird visions. It seems the evil doctor has come back and is killing off the new kids. 

The director of this muck David R. Ellis previously made SNAKES ON A PLANE and FINAL DESTINATION 2 and was stuntman on movies like HOTEL FOR DOGS.

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Early Oz

THE WIZARD OF OZ-1925-Though unfortunately forgotten today in the 1920’s actor/writer/director Larry Semon was a major film rival to Charlie Chaplin. He made over a hundred two reelers beginning in around 1915.

At the height of his career he made this feature length film based on the L. Frank Baum classic. He even got Baum’s oldest son to co-write the screenplay!

But besides the title and the use of it’s 4 most famous characters this has nothing to do with the book!

An old toymaker (Semon) tells a weird story to his young granddaughter about how the kind Prince Kynd was disposed by the evil prime minister Kruel in the land of Oz. Dorothy (Dorothy Dwan, the director‘s wife who looks around 30!) lives on a farm with her Aunt Em (Mary Carr) and very cruel uncle Henry until she learns on her 18^th birthday that she is actually the princess of Oz! She, Henry and two farm hands (Semon and Oliver Hardy) get swept away to Oz and a black farm hand named Snowflake later joins them. This of course leads to plenty of racist humor. The actor who plays Snowflake, Spencer Bell is even billed as “G. Howe Brown”! For a while they dress as the famous characters. Hardy is the tin man, Bell, the cowardly lion and Semon, the scarecrow (he looks a lot like Ray Bolger!). There’s a lot of slapstick and it’s all quite bizarre.

It was a box office failure at the time (and wrecked Semon’s career) and now is really just a curiosity piece. Hardy was two years away from teaming with Stan Laurel for their first film (he of course had a small role in a 1921 Stan Laurel short LUCKY DOG).

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Rock is Reborn!

SECONDS-1966-Arthur Hamilton (John Randolph), a successful bank executive feels his life has lost it’s meaning. He is persuaded by an old friend (Murray Hamilton) he long thought dead to seek out an agency known only as “The Company” and become “reborn”. Through plastic surgery and other unexplained medical procedures they will provide him with a new body, face and identity for a fee. When he at first balks at the idea he is kind of blackmailed into signing. He becomes a well known painter Tony Wilson (now portrayed by Rock Hudson). He has a house in Malibu and a helpful manservant (Wesley Addy). He meets Nora (Salome Jens from TERROR IN THE YEAR 5000 AD!) and she takes him to a wild hippie party where he’s stripped naked and has wine or something poured over him. He seems fine with Nora and his new career and life until he gets drunk at a party and begins to blab about his former life. It turns out all his neighbors are “reborns” and even Nora is working for The Company. Wilson decides his new persona isn’t for him and asks The Company to make him “reborn again”. This leads to complications as Wilson realizes it’s not what he expects it to be.

Will Geer plays the old man who seems to be behind it all and Richard Anderson is the doctor who does the operation. Jeff Corey, Khigh Dhiegh, Karl Swenson, Edger Stehli and Frank Campanella all have small but key roles. Although there’s a lot of talk and soul searching it’s handled very well.

SECONDS was directed by John Frankenhiemer after his blockbusters BIRDMAN OF ALCATRAZ, SEVEN DAYS IN MAY and THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE. It did poorly but has become something of a cult film and a reexamination of the film has brought about some (deservedly) good reviews. It’s excellent black and white photography is by veteran James Wong Howe. It’s based on a novel by David Ely.

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Final Castle

SHANKS-1974-In this bizarre film professional mime Marcel Marceau portrays a deaf mute puppeteer named Malcolm Shanks who lives with his shrewish sister in law and her no good boozing husband. He gets a job with a elderly scientist who with the help of a special machine brings a dead frog back to life. When the scientist croaks (sorry, couldn’t resist writing that..) Malcolm uses the machine to bring him back to life. Later he causes the death of the sis in law and hubby but brings them back to life and they go on a picnic with a young local girl Celia (Cindy Eilbacher). He throws a private birthday party for the girl, served by his dead in laws (who also dance) but some bikers crash the scene and eventually kill her. Malcolm gets revenge by having “the living fight the dead”. However he has to fight the biker leader (Don Calfa) hand to hand in the climax. He then brings Celia back to life. But the final scene makes it seem like it might have all been a dream-fantasy.....

This very strange film was directed by horror “gimmick” director William Castle in Canada. It’s probably Marceau’s only starring movie (he did have a role 1967’s BARBARELLA and later had the only speaking role in Mel Brooks’ SILENT MOVIE) and not made without some difficulty. Castle outlines the making of it in his autobiography. Parts of it are shot in a kind of sepia tone and there’s really not much dialogue for a feature length film. I found it interesting though some parts don’t make sense and sometimes the acting doesn’t seem effective. It was the last film made by Castle (who appears in one scene as a grocer) and having never been released on tape or DVD is his least known film. Fortunately TCM came to the rescue recently and aired it!

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He-Man

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE-1987-I always heard a lot of negative things about this Sci-Fi movie based on the popular '80's toys but I kind of liked it!

Dolph Lundgren is He-Man who with his companions Duncan (Jon Cypher), Teela (Chelsea Field) and Gwildor (Billy Barty) is transported to Earth through Gwildor's invention called "a tonal key". The evil Skeletor (Frank Langella) wants the key and sends a bevy of super baddies with names like Beastman, Saurod and Blade (Anthony De Longis) to get it. Evil-Lyn (Meg Foster) leads them in the hunt. Courtney Cox is the earth girl who helps the good guys.

There's lots of action and crazy monster costumes and some of the dialogue is pretty funny. Despite all the battles there are really no deaths so a scene where He-Man is flogged seems a little out of place.

James Tolkan is a hot headed cop and Stanley Livingston (Ernie on TV's MY THREE SONS) is thrown in for comic relief. The part where Skeletor receives some power made me think of a scene with Langella, (an obvious ham), in the later THE NINTH GATE!).

Future TV director Robert Duncan McNeill is Cox's boyfriend and Christina Pickles is the imprisoned Sorceress of Castle Greyskull. Director Gary Goddard had written the Bo Derek version of TARZAN OF THE APES and later worked on things like HERSHEY'S REALLY BIG 3-D SHOW.

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Shout About It

THE SHOUT-1978-A weird guy named Crossely (Alan Bates) claims he can kill with a magical “shout” he learned while living with Aborigines. He comes between a married couple (Suzanna York and John Hurt) and seems to cast a spell on the wife. He rants a lot to a score keeper (Tim Curry) while watching a cricket game at an insane asylum. This ambiguous talky film leaves it to the viewer to decide what was really happening by the time the story ends. Also with Jim Broadbent in his film debut.

From Jerzy Skolimowski, the director of DEEP END it's based on a story by Robert Graves.

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Galaxy of Corman

GALAXY OF TERROR-1981-Blatant ALIEN rip-off from Roger Corman's New World Pictures finds a group of space travelers send to investigate some strangeness on a distant planet. Grace Zabriskie (TWINPEAKS) is the weird troubled captain. Zalman King is Baelon, the mean, know it all in charge of the mission and top billed Edward Albert is Cabren, his more sensible rival.

Cabren's love interest is Alluma (HAPPY DAYS' Erin Moran), an empath. Other crew members include a pre-Freddy Kreuger Robert Englund (who gets to fight a double of himself), Bernard Behrens, Sid Haig ("I live and die by the crystals"...??), Ray Walston (who's more than just the ship's cook) and Taaffe O'Connell who is featured in the movie's most infamous scene as the crew member that's raped to death by a giant worm.

The team enters a strange pyramid on the planet and most everyone dies violently (Joanie's phony head is crushed, Sid loses an arm, etc.) but it all seems to have to do with an ancient alien "game" that preys on their subconscious fears. In the climax Cabren has to fight a giant slime worm in red lit cave and then most of his reanimated dead crew mates. 

Director Bruce D. Clark (from New Zealand) had made HAMMER with Fred Williamson in 1972. James Cameron was a second unit director.

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Deep End

DEEP END-1970-15 year Mike (John Moulder-Brown) gets a job as an attendant in a bathhouse where he meets the female worker Susan (Jane Asher). He becomes increasingly obsessed with her and eventually stalks her while she’s out with her fiancée (Christopher Standford), although she’s also having an affair with a swimming instructor. After some stalking, harassment and hot dog eating Mike has sex with Susan and it all ends tragically. This psychological drama is too talky and boring.

Polish born director Jerzy Skolimowski later made THE SHOUT. Diana Dors has one scene as a floozy who comes on to Mike and Bert Kwouk plays the hot dog vendor. Moulder-Brown was later in VAMPIRE CIRCUS and a lot of BBC productions.

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Why Are They Scared?

13 FRIGHTENED GIRLS!-1965-This talky, innocuous drama shows the decline of once popular "gimmick" director William Castle. 

13 girls from a Swiss boarding school (all daughters of diplomats) get into trouble while on vacation. The story focuses on one girl Candy (Kathy Dunn) who's diplomatic father is played by Hugh Marlowe (EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS). Khigh Dhiegh (in THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE the year before) is the Red Chinese diplomat who's niece Candy befriends. Murray Hamilton and Joyce Taylor are the special agents Candy helps. Despite the violence and espionage this almost seems aimed at teenage girls!

Emil Sitka has an un-billed role as the school's care taker. Castle made the comical remake of THE OLD DARK HOUSE the same year. Screenwriter Robert Dillon also penned Corman's X-THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES the same year.

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Late Castle

LET'S KILL UNCLE-1966-Shock/gimmick director William Castle was nearing the end of his long career when he made this weird talky mystery that takes place mostly on a secluded island.

A bratty kid named Barnaby (Pat Cardi) is the heir to his deceased father's fortune. He goes to the island to meet his only other relative, his uncle Kevin (Nigel Green who was in KHARTOUM the same year). Accompanying Barnaby is a police sergeant (Robert Pickering) and the same aged Chrisse (Mary Badham) who's going to visit her aunt (Linda Lawson) who lives on the island. Before the uncle arrives the kids get into some trouble at an abandoned hotel who's only occupant is Ketchman (Ref Sanchez) a legless, scar faced fisherman who has a shark in the hotel's swimming pool. Once the uncle arrives it's obvious he wants to do away with his nephew but since the kid is a braggart and liar no one believes him. He and Chrissie decide to kill "Unk" first.

There's a lot of false scares and talk and the ending is kind of idiotic. Also with Nestor Paiva as a ship captain. Cardi was a busy child actor on TV in the '60's and starred in the low budget horror film TWISTED BRAIN in 1974. He later created Moviefone.

Badham was nominated for a Academy Award in 1962 for her role as Scout in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD but never did much else. After a almost 40 year absence she returned to the screen in OUR VERY OWN in 2005. Lawson was later in MRS. STONE'S THING with Ed Wood! Castle made 4 more movies after this and died in 1977. Sometimes called LET'S KILL UNCLE BEFORE HE KILLS US.

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No Spiders!

SPIDER FOREST-1981-This is a highly unusual Korean horror film. It seems influenced by David Lynch. A man tries to come to terms with his life after his wife is killed in a plane crash. This leads him to Spider Forest and a horrible murder committed there. Unlike Hollywood horror films today SF leaves a lot of "clues" for the viewer to figure out. Pretty cool but slow going at times. Warning! No giant spiders eat anyone in this film directed by II-gon Song.

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Cavedog Like!

HULK WORLD/PLANET HULK-2010-This Marvel Animation Production is based on one of their graphic novels. In it the Hulk is banished to another world by Iron Man and other Earth superheroes. He winds up on a planet where gladiator type fights take place between different alien warriors. Guess who becomes the champion? It's entertaining with action and drama and Beta Ray Bill even shows up in the arena! It premiered on the Disney cable channel XD.

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Andy Warhol's Favorite Movie..They Say...

CREATION OF THE HUMANOIDS-1962-After a nuclear war, the human race has dwindled. They've created robots (humanoids) to help out. They are green, bald and have no emotions and are called "clickers" by people who dislike them. Due to the weird looking Dr. Raven (Don Doolittle) some robots are getting more emotional. Another scientist Cragis (Don Megowan) sees the robots as threats to humanity and heads the "Order of Flesh and Blood". His sister is having a "relationship" with a clicker named Pax (David Cross, who was in Bert I. Gordon's THE MAGIC SWORD around the same time). Dudley Manlove (Eros in PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE) is one of the lead clickers.

There's not much action in this Technicolor wonder that has bad acting, funny Ed Wood like dialogue and strange Art Deco sets.

COTH was directed by former child actor Wesley Barry who made other movies but was mostly an assistant director on movies and TV shows. Co-writer Jay Simms wrote the screenplay for PANIC IN THE YEAR ZERO the same year.

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Gor! Rhymes with Bore!

GOR-1987-After a car crash, a nerdy college teacher (Urbano Barberini) is transported to the alternate world of Gor while wearing his father's magic ring. Once there he meets some desert warriors fighting to overthrow the oppression of it's evil tyrant (Oliver Reed; his overacting is the only highlight) as Sarm, who likes to torture people. Paul L. Smith turns up as a trader who roughs up a dwarf.

This stupid movie was made in Italy (with a mostly Italian cast) by American director Fritz Kiersch (CHILDREN OF THE CORN). It's based on the first novel in the adult fantasy series by John Norman but was obviously more inspired by Conan The Barbarian and other sword and sorcery shenanigans popular at the time. The acting is awful, the swordplay pretty pathetic but some might enjoy it for the "attributes" displayed by female lead Rebecca Ferratti.

Though Jack Palance is third billed he only shows up in the last few minutes of the movie to set up a sequel. Yes, there was a sequel called OUTLAW OF GOR (which also starred Barberini and Ferratti) which found a fitting place in history being used for an episode of MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000! Barberini was later in Dario Argento's OPERA. Arnold Vosloo has a small role in the modern day scenes.

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Moon Men

THEY CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE-1967-A group of scientists investigate a mysterious meteor shower and have their minds taken over by some alien invaders (from the Moon). The leader of the group (Robert Hutton) can't be controlled because he has a metal plate in his head. He tries to discover the secret of the invasion while being thwarted by alien possessed humans. After the aliens release a "scarlet plague" he goes on a one man mission to infiltrate the base. Eventually he meets The Master of The Moon (Michael Gough) and his pals who wear very colorful robes and finds out their true purpose. Jennifer Jayne co-stars.

This low budget Amicus production is based on a novel by American author Joseph Millard called "The Gods Hate Kansas". Director/cinematographer Freddie Francis made TORTURE GARDEN the same year.

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