Calling Lou Ferrigno!

THE LEGEND OF HERCULES-2014-In this CGI laden fantasy that looks more like a video game, Hera allows a woman to bear Zeus's song. 20 years later, the son named Hercules (Kellan Lutz) is in love with the Princess of Crete (Gaia Weiss; later in the TV series VIKINGS) but his jealous half brother Iphicles (Liam Garrigan) gets in the way. When Herc kills a lion with his bare hands Iphicles takes the credit. After Herc is sold into slavery he has to fight a guy who looks like a muscle bound version of the lead singer from “Fishbone”. The fights are comical and Lutz could certainly go down in film history as the most un-Hercules of any Hercules ever portrayed on film! Renowned hack Renny Harkin should find another job he's better suited for.

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Horror in Russia

THE ABANDONED-2006-A Russian born American film producer Marie Jones (Anastasia Hille) returns to her homeland to visit a farm she inherited. After being abandoned by her stupid guide she investigates what's left of the dilapidated house and seems to meet a zombie like version of herself. After nearly drowning she's rescued by a guy name Nikolai (Karel Roden from FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY). To show her gratitude she smacks him with a log. Later when he wakes up, he claims to be Marilyn's twin brother. They do some snooping around and find human remains then they encounter lookalike zombies. For a while Nikolai disappears but when Marilyn's escape attempt fails they meet up again and they get to see depraved drawn out scenes of their births and the death of their mother. 

This Spanish/Bulgarian/British confused, contrived junk just goes on forever and the finale features wild boars and vomiting.

According to some sources director Nacho Cerda' (from Spain) was suspected of being the director of the infamous “Alien Autopsy” footage because a short he made resembles it!

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The Yeti

THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN OF THE HIMALAYAS-1957-Dr. John Rawlinson (Peter Cushing) a botanist doing research in the the Himalayas joins up with a boisterous American climber Tom Friend (Forrest Tucker) to find the legendary Yeti. Friend wants to capture one alive and show it on US TV. Rawlinson just wants to prove it exists. There's a lot of climbing and soul searching and Friend turns out to be a cutthroat swindler. After a little Yeti they capture escapes (actually rescued) the group finds some large footprints. Later a big clawed hand appears sticking in their tent. Their guide goes mad when he sees one and runs away (but somehow makes it back to the village) and the head Lama there acts very mysterious. The Yetis seem to have some kind of mental power over the group who hear voices and do crazy things. After Friend is killed in an avalanche Rawlinson meets the snowmen and we get our only view of them too. Rawlinson's wife leads her own expedition and finds hubby nearly frozen to death. Nursed back to health the doctor now admits he was wrong. There is no Yeti waiting for man to die off.

When I was a kid my friends and I were always disappointed by the brief glimpse of the Yeti but today THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN holds up well despite this. The acting is great. Director Val Guest probably took a big chance in not showing too much of the creature in the monster laden age of the late '50's but he still does a good job of story telling. He also made ENEMY FROM SPACE the same year which was also penned by SNOWMAN's screenwriter Nigel Kneale. 

This Hammer production is based on a BBC TV drama entitled THE CREATURE (also written by Kneale).

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'50's Horror with Boris and Lon

THE BLACK CASTLE-1952-In Vienna Sir Roland (Richard Greene; later the star of TV's THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD) goes undercover to investigate the deaths of 2 friends he believes were killed by the evil Count Karl von Bruno (Stephen McNally), a sadistic guy with an eye patch who's very mean to his wife The Countess (Rita Corday) and keeps a live panther in his dungeon which he plans to release and hunt in the Black Forest. He's assisted by the mute and equally sadistic Gargon (Lon Chaney Jr.; also in HIGH NOON the same year). There's even a pit of alligators downstairs. John Hoyt and Michael Pate are two foppish nobles loyal to the count. Of course Roland falls in love with the abused countess. Unfortunately Boris Karloff (in his only movie appearance for the year) is wasted in the role of the count's alcoholic doctor who helps the new lovers escape the baron's clutches by giving them a drug that makes them appear to be dead (it almost works too good!).

THE BLACK CASTLE was the first feature film directed by former Oscar winning art director Nathan Juran. Some might like it's fake horror trappings but for me it just wastes the talents of Chaney and Karloff who are good in the few scenes they have. Juran later made many well known horror/Sci-Fi films of the '50's including ATTACK OF THE 5O FOOT WOMAN, THE DEADLY MANTIS and 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH. He even directed Ronald Reagan and Nancy Davis in HELLCATS OF THE NAVY. Later he did TV work including episodes of several Irwin Allen series.

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Early For Christmas

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT-1984-On Christmas Eve in 1971 a young boy is told by his senile grandpa that Santa will punish him and his brother on Christmas. Later the boy named Billy sees his parents killed by an intruder dressed as St. Nick (Charles Dierkop). Three years later the brothers are in an orphanage where Billy gets into trouble with the uptight nuns because of some violent drawings he made. The Fuehrer like Mother Superior whips a boy and girl caught having sex (“punishment is good”) and Billy gets a whipping too because he saw them. On Christmas Eve he's tied to a bed and the head Mother says “I see nothing but greed where there should be gratitude”. He freaks out when Santa visits. Cut to 1984 and Billy (Robert Brian Wilson) has a job hauling furniture in a warehouse but still gets nuts at the sight of Santa. As bad luck would have it, his boss makes him dress like Santa for the company Christmas Party. (“It's six o'clock. Time to get shit-faced!”) He interrupts his foreman trying to rape Pamela, another employee and strangles him with a string of lights. She's not grateful at all and calls him crazy so he stabs her. He kills his drunken boss Mr. Sims with a hammer then uses a bow and arrow on another female worker. 

Bill Claus hits the town killing a baby sitter (Linnea Quigley) who dies topless impaled on some trophy antlers. Her boyfriend puts up a good fight but falls out a window. Later he decapitates a bully. When the police find out how the killer is dressed a stupid cop shoots and kills a priest dressed as Santa! Billy returns to the orphanage (where his brother still resides) to get the Mother Superior but is shot and killed. It ends with his little brother grimacing and saying “naughty”. 

This infamous movie caused a huge controversy when first released because of its depiction of “Killer Claus”. It was eventually pulled form distribution even though it out grossed another horror movie that opened the same weekend: Wes Craven's NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET!

SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHTS's director Charles E. Sellier Jr. only directed three other films but produced many low budget “speculation” documentaries that did well in theaters at the time. (BEYOND AND BACK, THE MYSTERIOUS MONSTERS, IN SEARCH OF HISTORIC JESUS) He also created the hit TV series “The Life and Times of Grizzy Adams”. SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT is pretty tame by today's standards and spawned several sequels.

Thanks for reading and a Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Chan's Back!

CHARLIE CHAN AT MONTE CARLO-1937-In the famed gambling mecca the famous detective (non-Asian Warner Oland) and his number one son Lee (Keye Luke) stumble across a murder, some stolen bonds and a battle between two industrialists. Of course suspects abound: a bartender, a lackey assistant, a wife, a mistress. This is a pretty good Chan mystery despite too much number one son comedy. The final scene is kind of like the ending of an Abbott & Costello movie! 

With Virginia Field (also in several MR. MOTO entries) and Sidney Blackmer. Director Eugene Forde's career went back to the silent era. This was one of five Charlie Chan mysteries he directed.

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Saturday Night Live Spin-Off?

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER-1984-Strange arty old movie feel (in black & white) fantasy that takes place in an alternate NYC (controlled by The Port Authority!) of the future. A young man named Adam (Zach Galligan; in GREMLINS the same year) wants to be an “artist”. He gets a job watching cars at The Holland Tunnel where Dan Aykroyd plays his boss and lives for a while with his aunt and uncle (Mort Sahl). The film turns color when Adam visits an underground land run by bums and watched over by Father Knickerbocker (Sam Jaffe in his second to last movie). Later he accidentally takes a bus to the moon. Bill Murray plays the ship's captain. In the bus lounge Eddie Fisher performs “O My Papa”! The government sends old people (including King Donovan, his real life wife Imogene Coca and Larry “Bud” Melman) there to shop. Eventually Adam becomes a great pianist and wins the love of a moon maiden named Eloy (Lauren Tom). 

This strange could be a cult film also uses stock footage and silent films and features a cameo by Lawrence Tierney at the end. Paul Frees is the narrator. It was written and directed by Tom Schiller a former writer on Saturday Night Live.

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Super Chuck

FORCED VENGEANCE-1982-Josh Randall (Chuck Norris) is head of security for a gambling casino in China owned by his Jewish father (David Opatoshu) by adoption who's actually retired with the whole operation run by his real son (Frank Michael Liu). Josh lives on a boat with his girlfriend/school teacher Claire (Mary Louise Weller). The real son gets into trouble with some gangsters and he and dad are killed. Later Josh goes on the run with Claire and his half sister Joy (Camila Griggs) because a mob leader wants the casino. His friend LeRoy (Bob Minor) tries to help but is bear hugged to death by a huge henchman (Japanese pro-wrestler Seiji Sakaguchi) who also rapes and kills Claire. Josh puts on his Air Force uniform and gets revenge with a little help from an international agent (Lloyd Kino). Norris beats up a lot of guys in this violent, typical martial arts crime drama. It turns out that the real villain is an old Chinese gang lord and Josh has to fight his weird bastard son. In the finale he avenges Claire's death (a toilet bowl figures in the final fight). 

 The director James Fargo had previously directed Clint Eastwood in THE ENFORCER and EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE.

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Silent Dickens Classic

OLIVER TWIST-1922-After starring with the legendary Charlie Chaplin in THE KID one year before little Jackie Coogan co-stars with the equally legendary Lon Chaney (although he wasn't a star yet) in this early adaptation of the Dickens classic. The future Uncle Fester is the title character born and raised in a workhouse overseen by the tyrannical Mr. Bumble (James A. Marcus) where at the age of 9 he asks for more. He becomes an undertaker's apprentice but runs away to London and meets the Artful Dodger (Edward Trebaol) who in turn introduces him to the evil Fagin (Chaney) who oversees a gang of pickpockets. He and meanie Bill Sykes (George Siegmann) want Oliver for another scam though but before that happens Oliver is arrested and later taken in by a kindly bookseller Mr. Brownlow (Lionel Belmore). Fagin (who answers to a mysterious guy named Monks) kidnaps the boy when he finds out that Oliver is heir to a large inheritance. Still he and Bill need Oliver's diminutive size to pull off a robbery. When Oliver rebels Bill shoots him! He's only wounded and nursed back to health by a rich dowager and her niece who reunite him with Brownlow. After Bill's wife Nancy (Gladys Brockwell) spills the beans to the bookseller, Bill finds out about her betrayal and kills her. In the end everyone is arrested except for Bill who accidentally hangs himself. Oliver gets his birthright and inheritance.

Director Frank Lloyd was no stranger to adapting Dickens to the screen as a few years earlier he'd made a version of A TALE OF TWO CITIES. He packs a lot of story into the short running time (about 75 minutes) and keeps the tale interesting and exciting. Child star Coogan was at the apex of his career and is very good (and funny) in the lead. Naturally Lon Chaney steals every scene he's in.

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Herman's Back!

MRS. BROWN YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY DAUGHTER-1968-Herman's Hermits tries to emulate The Beatles movie success with inept talky musical. Peter/Herman is an unhappy guy who lives with his mother and works for an advertising agency. He also owns a racing dog named Mrs. Brown. At night he rehearses with the rest of the Hermits. The title cut and “There's A Kind of Hush” are in it but so are some forgettable tunes. A guy named Mr. Brown (Stanley Holloway) sponsors the band so they can raise money to race their dog. Not surprisingly his daughter Judy (Sarah Caldwell) falls for Herman. The weirdest part is that co-stars Holloway, Mona Washburn (as a human Mrs. Brown) and Lance Percival all sing too! 

Director Saul Swimmer later filmed THE CONCERT FOR BANGLADESH. American born screenwriter Norman Thaddeus Vane later returned to his native country and made low budget horror movies (FRIGHTMARE, THE BLACK ROOM). He may have been married to lead actress Caldwell.

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Herman's Hermits

HOLD ON!-1966-Herman's Hermits are a hit in America! They disguise themselves as policemen to get away from screaming fans. Somehow NASA winds up naming one of there rockets after the group. A government employee (Herbert Anderson) investigates the band because the State Department doesn't like the idea of naming a US rocket after an English pop band. Herman falls for American Louisa (Shelly Fabares) and he has a daydream about being a knight in shining armor. There's also a fantasy sequence where Herman dreams he and his manager (Bernard Fox) are astronauts.

This dumb but harmless Sam Katzman produced musical comedy (obviously trying to emulate The Beatles' HELP!, from a year early; both titles end with exclamation points...) also features a side plot about an actress (Sue Ane Langdon) trying to get a publicity shot with Herman. (Character actor Mickey Deems is her agent) In the end Anderson decides “the lads” are just like any other teenagers.

While no Beatles Herman's Hermits had some pretty nice songs (although almost none are in this!). Ray Kellogg (director of THE KILLER SHREWS) and John Hart (who'd played The Lone Ranger on TV for a season or two) play detectives. HOLD ON was written by B-movie Robert Kent under the pseudonym James B. Gordon. He wrote THE FASTEST GUITAR ALIVE (with Roy Orbison) the next year. Director Arthur Lubin had work on several Abbott & Costello movies in the early '40's. Then on the Francis the Talking Mule series. By this time he was doing a lot of TV. The title song and several others were penned by PF Sloane who died this passed November.

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Mongram

THE FACE OF MARBLE-1946-Two doctors perform an experiment that revives a dead man but a storm blows out their equipment and he dies again. Charles Randolph (John Carradine) is an eminent brain specialist. His wife Elaine (Claudia Drake) is a former patient who's life he saved. Their Maria Ouspenskaya like maid Maria (Rosa Rey) uses voodoo to try and make the younger doctor, David (Robert Shayne) fall in love with Elaine. Randolph kills Elaine's great dane Brutus and brings it back to life but now he's more vicious and transparent! When David's girlfriend Linda (Maris Wrixton from THE APE) arrives Elaine gets jealous. Transparent Brutus scares Linda then goes out and drinks the blood of other animals. When Maria accidentally kills Elaine (she was trying to kill Linda) the duo bring her back to life despite Randolph's doubts. Somehow Maria gains control of Elaine and has her kill Randolph. David is charged with his murder. Later Maria sics Elaine on Linda but David arrives in time to break it up. Maria commits suicide and Elaine and Brutus walk into the ocean (?).

William Beaudine directed this Monogram horror story which has a few twists and good acting to take a notch above the studio's usual routine low budget.

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Suffer The Usher....

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER-1949-Some stuffy English dudes discuss Edgar Allan Poe at their club. One of them relates the title story.

Jonathan (Irving Steen) goes to visit his friend Roderick Usher (Kay Tendeter) at his castle. Usher says he's inherited a strange family disease. He also says his sister Madeleine (Gwen Watford who later became famous for a British TV work)) has the same disease. She plays the piano, drinks milk and wanders around the castle. The weird family doctor (Vernon Charles) relates a story that the disease is actually a curse placed on the family by a man their father killed (he was having an affair with their mother). He also tells Roderick about a “temple” hidden in the moors.

The three men go there and meet Rodericks's mother, now a decrepit old hag who has her dead lover's head! The doctor says that if they burn the head the curse will be broken. They leave but come back with their gardener (I'm not sure why they needed a gardener to burn a head) but Mrs. Usher overpowers Roderick and kills the gardener. Then Madeleine has a run-in with mom and is almost killed. Jonathan tries to cheer Rod up by painting and reading until Rod suddenly announces that Madeleine is dead (he tells how in a flashback). He puts her in a coffin, nails it shut and places it in the family mausoleum. 8 days later Rod is brandishing a gun at night because he hears strange noises (nails being hammered, a ticking clock) and thinks sis is coming to get him. He shoots the doctor (but Jonathan doesn't hear anything). It seems Madeleine was buried alive and escaped her coffin (after 8 days?). He tries to shoot her and fails and she tediously chases him to the roof where he falls to his death and Madeleine disappears (all the time mom is watching).

Where Jonathan was all this time isn't explained but he shows up in time to escape the burning castle, set on fire by lightening. Your guess is as good as mine...

Director Ivan Barnett did little else but this strange quirky adaptation has it's moments.

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Were-Dogs?

BATTLEDOGS-2013-There's a CGI werewolf outbreak in NYC. People infected are quarantined in a place that looks like Grand Central Station overseen by a jerk-ass army general (Dennis Haysbert). Army doctor Hoffman (Greg Sheffer from NIGHTBREED) is brought in and gets too close to the truth (government conspiracy) so the army sends a werewolf to kill him. Later Patient O escapes the camp and heads to a place that's suppose to be Central Park. It seems O is carrying a bone in his arm that contains an antidote. When all the wolves escape and invade Manhattan the bad black mean looking president (Bill Duke) orders air strikes on all the city's bridges. A car chase was actually filmed in Flushing Meadow Park, not too far from where I live! 

Wes Studi is a mean colonel and Ernie Hudson as a security expert gives a better performance than this THE HULK/THE HOWLING inspired nonsense from The Asylum warrants. Director Alexander Yellen was a cinematographer on stuff like MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS so you've been warned.

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What Day?

THE DAY-2011-This mean spirited nonsense combines elements of THE HUNGER GAMES meets NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD with a splash of 28 DAYS LATER and probably a bit of THE ROAD.

The self important action gore mess has some young survivors of an apocalypse hold up in an abandon house to stave off an army of flesh eating humans (not zombies for a change). Ashley Bell (THE LAST EXORCISM) is Mary, a reformed cannibal out to kill the invading cannibals. But the group doesn't trust her so they wind up torturing her. Eventually she helps them (unsuccessfully) fight the invading horde. Everyone is killed which means nothing since there are no likable characters except Mary who in the final scene decapitates a little girl (ok, so it's a cannibal little girl....). With the usual jerky camera work, overacting and violence.

Dominic Monaghan (THE LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy) is killed early (he was one of the producers too). 

The director Douglas Aarniokoski was a second unit director on many films before obviously graduating to full director on second rate films.

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Not a Newton Room....

 

THE MAD ROOM-1969-In 1957 two children murder their parents and are placed in a mental institution. Their older sister a witness to the crime is now Ellen Hardy (Stella Stevens) a kind of live-in personal assistant to rich widow Gladys Armstrong (Shelly Winters) who's son () Ellen is engaged to. Things seem to be ok until Ellen gets a letter saying her to siblings are being released into her care. With no other choice Ellen brings them to stay in the Armstrong house where they get almost immediately into trouble for using Gladys private study as their “mad room”, a place to go when they are upset. Gladys winds up hacked to death after she learns the history of the two and her dog carries her severed hand around.

 

The pretty predictable story also features Severn Darden as a builder and Beverly Garland as Mrs. Racine, a drunken floozy who's husband/masseur is having an affair with Gladys. Her death scene is the highlight of the whole film when she commits suicide in a bathroom after making a bitter speech using the word “man-whore”. Another housewife is played by Jennifer Bishop who was later in several Al Adamson films (HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS, THE FEMALE BUNCH).

THE MAD ROOM is a remake of the 1941 film LADIES IN RETIREMENT, an adaptation of a hit Broadway play. Director Bernard Girard also made the seldom seen THE HAPPINESS CAGE.

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Animation

 

TWICE UPON A TIME-1983-Weird “Yellow Submarine” inspired animated fantasy has an evil guy (voice of Marshall Efron) who sends nightmares to sleepers wanting to control time by using “the cosmic clock”. So he sends some dumb guy named Mum and his annoying “all purpose animal” to get it. One of the monsters seems to be based on the Ro-Man from ROBOT MONSTER but I found it mostly a waste of time.

 

Paul Frees is the narrator and provides other voices along with Lorenzo Music and Hamilton Camp.

 

One of the directors, John Korty had made the TV movie GO ASK ALICE and later made THE EWOK ADVENTURE. The other, Charlie Swenson later worked on the animated kid's show RUGRATS. George Lucas was one of the producers. According to some online sources several different versions exist.

 

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Chan Again!

CHARLIE CHAN IN EGYPT-1935-The unflappable (phony) Asian detective (Warner Oland) goes to Egypt to find a missing archaeology professor. Thanks to an x-ray machine they find him bandaged up in a sarcophagus instead of a real mummy! Chan tries to help the professor's daughter (Pat Paterson) and her injured brother (James Eagles) but winds up just getting blamed for all the bad things that happen. Her boyfriend Tom (Thomas Back) assists Chan who while investigating a tomb seems to be attacked by an Egyptian goddess! It's a little talky but builds up to a nice climax. Frank Reicher is a doctor and Rita Casino (later Hayworth) has a small role. Worst part: Stepin Fetchit as a frightened servant name Snowshoes.

 

 Director Louis King began in silent films and later made several Bulldog Drummond mysteries and the tearjerker THE WAY OF ALL FLESH (1940). One of the few entries in the series where Chan is not assisted by a son.

 

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Kiddie Stuff

CODY THE ROBOSAPIEN-A nerdy scientist (David Eigenberg) creates a kid like robot for search and rescue missions but his evil partner (Kim Coates) wants to sell it as a weapon to a foreign power. After the bot is injured escaping, a genius kid named Henry (Bobby Coleman) who has a mean older sister (Holliston Coleman) and an uncaring mother (Penelope Ann Miller) kind of fixes Cody up. Henry takes him to school where Cody break dances, plays basketball and helps Henry woo a girl he likes. Cody flies too and he and Henry have several dangerous adventures in his ET/Disney inspired children's story filmed in New Orleans. I guess kids might like it....

Apparently the main character is based on “biomorphic robot” created by the Hong Kong based company WowWee. It was written and co-produced by Avi Arad who co-produced many of the early Marvel Comics movie adaptations including the first Spider-Man trilogy directed by Sam Raimi. Another producer Steven Paul had directed stuff like ENTERNITY (1990) and SLAPSTICK (1982). Director Sean McNamara directed a lot of kids TV shows.

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1957! What a Great Year!

THE BURGLAR-1957-Dan Dureya leads a small band of criminals who steal a valuable necklace from an eccentric philanthropist. His partners are a jewel expert (Peter Capell), a thug (Mickey Shaunessy) and his adopted sister (Jayne Mansfield) who everyone has eyes for. The quartet hold up in a house and eventually get on each others' nerves. Meanwhile a weird detective tries to crack the case. When things shift to Atlantic City the story takes a mysterious turn and there are some plot twists. Jayne appears in a bath suit in a very short scene. The screenplay is by author David Goodis who also wrote the novel it's based on. He also penned the novels Dark Passage (adapted by director Delmar Daves 10 years earlier) and Down There (the basis for Francois Truffaut's SHOOT THE PIANO PLAYER).

THE BURGLAR is no classic but it's a good little film noir which marked the film debut of director Paul Wendkos who later made GIDGET and BECAUSE THEY'RE YOUNG and did tons of TV work.

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