Never Too Young To Watch A Bad Movie

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NEVER TOO YOUNG TOO DIE-1986-Dumb gymnast Lance Stargrave (John Stamos) is the son of spy Drew Stargrave (George Lazenby). After Drew is killed by stupid girly man Von Ragner (Gene Simmons), his father's lawyer (John Anderson) tells Lance his father was killed in a car accident. Lance gets help from his nerdy friend Cliff (Peter Kwong) and saves secret agent Danja (Vanity) from being burned alive. Later, Lance and Danja have a very akward sex scene and then he has to stop Ragnar from contaminating the water supply. 

Planned as part one of a series, it bombed at the box office. Director Gil Bettman also made Sammy Hagar videos.

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Where's My Piranha?

 

 (imdb)

PIRANHA-1972-Art (TV actor Tom Simcox) & Terry (Ahna Capri; had a role in ENTER THE DRAGON the next year), brother and sister photographers go to the Amazon with an American guide Pendrake (Peter Brown). She doesn't like guns even after Pendrake saves her life killing an attacking snake. After riding around and semi-exploring they meet a guy named Caribe (William Smith) at a bar. For some reason, Brown challenges Caribe to a motorcycle race. This takes up a good portion of the movie and still no PIRANHA! Then they all go to a diamond mine. Then an endless scene of people panning for gold. Then a sloth climbs a tree. We learn a lot about the characters background but not much about piranha. Not much happens until Caribe shows his true colors and rapes Terry. The killer fish do make an appearance in the finale. 

AKA “Piranha, Piranha”, it was filmed in Venezuela by someone named Bill Gibson. Smith and Brown had co-starred together on the “Laredo” TV series and had been in CROME AND HOT LEATHER the year before.

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Snake Bit

 

 

SNAKE EATER-1989-Some undercover cop called Soldier (Lorenzo Lamas) is after revenge on some redneck hillbillies led by the crazed Junior (Robert Scott) who murdered his parents and kidnapped his sister. King (singer Ronnie Hawkins), a guy who rents out boats, converts Soldier's motorcycle into watercycle and he goes into the forest to find the gang. King's daughter kind of gets in the way. A scene at the end with the whiny nerd (Ron Palillo from TV's “Welcome Back Kotter”) seems tacked on. Former pro football player Larry Csonka is a cop. 

It spawned three sequels though Gary Daniels played the lead in part 4. Besides, the first two sequels director George Erschbamer later directed episodes of The New Addams Family TV Show in 1998.

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Thailand

 

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CANNIBAL MERCENARY-2-1989-Leu (director Bin Banleurit) is once again coerced into leading a group of mercenaries against a drug lord named Bad Dog. He doesn't have a good record as everyone from his last mission died. Along the way, they pick up some strays including a woman with a baby. There's a lot of talking and one guy has a tongue session with a monkey. Everybody dies in the big shootout finale. What a bummer.

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Inaction?

 

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MOVIE IN ACTION-1987-An American film crew is making a war movie in Thailand. Out of nowhere,the leading lady Susan (Chantal Mansefield) is kidnapped by a gun toting gang of locals. When the authorities are slow to act, the director (Bo Swenson) decides he and his film crew should rescue her. After they rob the Thailand Army base, a few of them go to Cambodia to rescue Susan. The director seems to think they have a good chance of making it. I don't know why he'd think that. They all seem like a bunch of kooks. The group consists of the lead star (who kind of knows martial arts), the makeup woman, the sfx guy, cameraman and the soundman. There's a big ridiculous shootout at a remote army base and it's revealed the producer of their movie is behind all the shenanigans. 

Pretty outrageous senseless action drama. Director Teddy Lee also used the name Teddy Page as well as the names Ted Johnson, Teddy Chiu, Teddy Chuck and others.

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Never The Dragon Shall Meet

 

 (imdb)

NINJA DRAGON-1986-In Hong Kong, a businessman (Richard Harrison) seeks revenge on a group that killed his partner. Meanwhile two gangs are involved in a turf war. As usual with director Godfrey Ho, this movie has two story lines that never intersect. After the tragic ending of one story, the master ninja fights the red ninja (Paulo Tochi) to the death. Star Harrison played the same character in several other Ho paste up jobs.

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One's Enough

 

 (imdb)

SCORPIO ONE-1998-Terrible sf outer space junk about some CIA agents who go into space to investigate a space station where the whole crew has been killed. Robert Carradine (doing a lot of TV around this time), Jeff Speakman (THE PERFECT WEAPON (1991) and Robin Curtis (STAR TREK 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK (1984)) star. 

The director Worth Keeter later worked on several “Power Rangers” series.

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Low Grade Savages

 

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SAVAGES FROM HELL-1968-In some small town, Marco (Diwaldo Myers) and his sister Teresa (Vi Lloyd) are migrant workers with their parents. They don't like the work so Marco gets a job as a mechanic. Teresa likes to hang around the gas station and meets High Test (William P. Kelly), the leader of a gang of bikers who she thinks is wonderful but he's just a dirty asshole in a jaguar vest. When he finds his girlfriend Lucy (Bobbie Byers) coming on to gas attendant Reuben (Cyril Poitier) a fight ensues which Marco breaks up. The next day High Test takes Teresa to the dune buggy races but she spurns his advances and Marco winds up slugging him. High Test vows revenge. Later he kidnaps Teresa and shoots Lucy. Mortally wounded, Lucy leads Marco & Reuben to the hideout where after a couple of fights, Teresa is rescued and Lucy runs High Test down before dying. Terrible acting.

Director Joseph G. Prieto made FIREBALL JUNGLE the same year. One of the screenwriters was K. Gordon Murray. Cyril Poitier was the lesser-known older brother of Sidney.

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Eden?

 

(tmdb)

ATOMIC EDEN-2015-An annoying mercenary Stoker (Fred Williamson) assembles a group from his past to go to Chernobyl to find "the ultimate weapon" left behind by The Nazis. Meanwhile a mysterious army of people in radiation suits are outside attacking. Almost everyone gets killed. It's very violent and the dialogue is pretty bad. To top it all off Lorenzo Lamas shows up near the end as a villainous scenery chewer. 

Many questions are left unanswered and the end sets up a sequel though one was never made. German action star (and the film's co-producer) Mike Moller has several fights and there's a female samurai (Hazuki Kato). Di-rector Nico Sentner plays a sniper.

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TV Ape

 

 (imdb)

THE IVORY APE-1980-Range (Derek Partridge), a murderous English poacher captures the super rare albino ape and plans to sell it in Cuba. In Bermuda, the dopey Bax (Steven Keats) and the frigid Lil (Cindy Pickett) try to stop the ship carrying the ape which escapes and kills a ship mate that taunted it. Later the ape terrorizes the island but really doesn't kill anyone else directly (a cop falls off a cliff running away, a woman crashes her car when the ape is in the middle of the road). The police constable (Earle Hyman) hires Marc Kazarian (Jack Palance), an ex-hunter haunted by the death of his son, to get the ape after the vigilante mob fails. The ape is eventually trapped in a church where something unexpected happens. 

Cheesy made for TV ABC movie of the week, one of 3 US-Japan made co-production between Rankin/Bass and Tsuburaya Studios. It was shown in theaters in Japan to unsuspecting patrons. Directed by Tsugunobu “Tom” Kotani also made THE LAST DINOSAUR and THE BUSHIDO BLADE. Only recommended if you're a Jack Palance fan and want to see everything he's done.

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All Bullshit

  (WIKIPEDIA)

THE MASTER GUNFIGHTER-1975-In this strange brain-dead movie, a guy named Finley (Tom Laughlin) confronts American cattle owners and Mexican ranchers and fights them with a gun and a sword, after he leaves his wife (Barbara Carrera in her second movie role) and kids. His brother-in-law Paulo (SUPERFLY's Ron O'Neal) slaughters a village looking for gold. The plot reasons that Mexicans can kill American Indians and take their gold as a tax from “evil US cattlemen” or they will lose their land. 

This nonsense proclaims, "Based on a never substantiated legend” and “Part fact. Part fiction. Mostly interpretation”. 

Burgess Meredith provides narration and Angel Rossitto has a role. Star Laughlin (star and creator of BILLY JACK) wrote it using the name Harold Lapland and directed it under the name Frank Laughlin. It's a loose remake of the Japanese samurai drama GOYOKIN and was a theatrical and financial bomb.

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Norris Is So Tough, He Makes Onions Cry!

 

 (wikipedia)

INVASION USA-1985-Soviet terrorist Rostov (Richard Lynch) wants revenge on retired CIA agent Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris; also one of the screenwriters). After failing to kill him at his home in the Everglades he plots the invasion of America. Hunter agrees to go after him. There's lots of violence and killing (families, teens at party, shoot out at a crowded mall) and ridiculous car chases. The invaders disguise themselves as police and soldiers to cause unrest. A woman reporter (Melissa Prophet) who's life Hunter saves several times isn't even grateful. Billy Drago has a small role as a coke dealer who's killed. 

Director Joseph Zito directed Norris in MISSING IN ACTION the same year and also made the horror movies THE PROWLER and FRIDAY THE 13TH:THE FINAL CHAPTER.

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Low Budget Cat

 

 (imdb)

ALLEY CAT-1984-Billie (Karin Mani) beats up two idiot gang members trying to steal the tires off her car. Later, their leader (Micheal Wayne) has them attack Billie's grandparents. Grandma winds up iñ a coma. At the hospital she meets a cop Johnny (Robert Torti) who she dates. When she stops a rape, Johnny's partner arrests her for carrying an illegal gun and other counts. Johnny bails her out. When she can't get justice she takes it upon herself to get the scum and succeeds. Badly made with three directors credited.

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'80's Junk

LAND OF DOOM-1984-In post-apocalyptic future, gangs of “mad men” roam the land raping and killing. Smug humorless Harmony (Deborah Rennard) meets a wounded guy named Anderson (Bruce Campbell wannabe Garrick Dowhen). She carries a crossbow and doesn't like to be touched (“Never touch me!”). A nut named Slater (Daniel Radell) who leads the group wants Anderson. He sends a cackling dick named Demister (also Radell) to capture him but when he tries to rape Harmony she kills him. Anderson wants to rebuild the world and find a secret place where people have joined together. The duo hop on a motorcycle to try and find it. 

Along the way they meet a cannibal with a barn full of corpses and are hunted by his friends. There's also a plague spreading around. Harmony talks more about not being touched. Later they meet Orland (Aykut Duz) who travels by bicycle. When the pair are captured by Slater, Orland shows up with a flamethrower and he and Anderson beat up Slater's whole army while some “Greatest American Hero” music plays. They also get help from some hooded Ewok inspired characters. Sets up for a never made sequel. Filmed in Turkey and directed by Peter Maris.

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Direct To DVD

DISK JOCKEY-2006-Extremely irritating nonsense about two motor mouthed hit-men trying to local a floppy disk that contains evidence of one of their killings. An ex-partner goes into hiding because he has the disk but hides it in his sister's stomach! It's mostly the two yakking away and one even talks to the camera....

Unfortunately director Zachary Yoshioka made some more direct to video movies after this....

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Bolt

THAT MAN BOLT-1973-A Karate expert/pro-fessional courier Jefferson Bolt (Fred William-son) locked up in a Macao prison is hired /black-mailed by a mysterious English man named Griffiths (Byron Webster) to deliver 1 million dollars from Hong Kong. When he lands in Las Vegas some mobsters try to kill him, so after a car chase he gets help from another mobster Connie (Jack Ging). At a casino he meets singer Samantha Nightingale (Teresa Graves) and after they have sex she's killed in an attempt on Bolt's life. He hightails it to Hong Kong where things get a little confusing when an Asian assassin is hired by Javanese merchant banker Kumata (Masatoshi Nakamura) to kill Bolt. 

The acting, dialogue and fights are sub-par but it also features appearances by Karate and kickboxing champions like Mike Stone, Kenji Kazama, Emil Farkus and David Chow. 

THAT MAN BOLT has two credited directors. One Henry Levin made his directing debut in 1944 with semi-horror movie CRY OF THE WEREWOLF. In the 1970's he directed several Matt Helm movies. BOLT was one of his last features. The other was David Lowell Rich who started in TV around 1950 and continuing till the mid '60's when he made some feature films like EYE OF THE CAT and THE PLAINSMAN. He went back to TV making many TV movies and in the early '80's returned to some feature film work including THE CONCORDE-AIRPORT '69. 

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Mean Mess

MEAN MOTHER-1974-Inane confused story about 2 Vietnam AWOLs (singer Dobie Gray under the pseudonym Clifton Brown and Dennis Safren) trying to get to Canada. They separate and each becomes involved with gangsters, drugs and smuggling. It's pretty boring despite fights and shootouts. 

This was actually a European production shot in 1971 in Spain by Leon Klimovsky (who directed many great Paul Naschy movies in the '70's) called RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Independent International picked it up and as usual producer Sam Sherman had paste up genius Al Adamson (under the name Albert Victor) shoot new scenes with American actors. It's a mess. Marilyn Joi and Luciana Paluzzi are also in it. Independent International released most of Adamson's notorious '70's horror and exploitation films.

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Rudy Returns!

THE HUMAN TORNADO-1976-If there's one movie worst than DOLOMITE it's this sequel with Rudy Ray Moore reprising his too hip foul mouthed rhyming jive talking moron. Only this time there's more intentionally comedy, racism and overall stupidity. I don't know who decided a sequel would be a good idea. I mean Moore isn't just a bad actor. He's no actor good or bad. He just seems to spit out lines, mispronouncing most words. The fight scenes are some of the worst ever filmed and this time they are "enhanced" by comic SFX.  It seems like Moore knew nothing about fighting and just made it up as he went along. The plot involves Dolomite and his band of Karate hookers (once again lead by Queen Bee) battling stupid white rednecks while Dolomite screws white women. He does a bit of his X-rated stand up routine at the beginning which is him mainly cursing and insulting audience members. He doesn't wear that many outrageous outfits this time out. 

The director Cliff Roquemore later made another outing with Moore, PETEY WHEATSTRAW.

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Total Dolemite Experience

DOLEMITE-1975-Perhaps in his day, rhyming comedian Rudy Ray Moore was cool. Nowadays, he's an unintentional laugh-riot at least in this his first movie. Moore plays the title character, a wrongly convicted jive talking pimp nut job who is let out of prison to help bring down gangster Willie Green (D'Urville Martin who also directed). He beats up white guys (the fight scenes are pathetic) and lives with several hookers and a madame named Queen Bee (Lady Reed). He wants revenge because of the death of his nephew. He does a rhyming routine about The Titanic for some drunken “fans” who can't afford to see him perform and gets information from a drug addict named Creeper (said to have been a real junkie). 

Two corrupt white cops dog his trail. Meanwhile an undercover FBI agent Blakeley (Jerry Jones; also the screenwriter) tries to help Dole. After performing at his own club, Dole enlists a bunch of Kung-Fu fighting whores to battle Green's gang. Even the cook in the club beats up a guy! Dolemite gets bloody vengeance on Green but the real bad guy behind it all is the corrupt weaselly white mayor (Hy Pike). The scenes of the FBI agents chasing down the mayor seem like part of a different movie. There's also a weird preacher and Moore saying things like “That's for fuckin' with me you no business born insecure motherfucker!”. Moore is also created with original adaptation.

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Boss

BOSS NIGGER-1975-Two black bounty hunters Boss (Fred Williamson also the screenwriter) and Amos (D'Urville Martin) who hunt only white people become sheriff and deputy of a town and basically harass all the white people and give the mayor (RG Armstrong) a hard time. Later Williamson is kidnapped and tortured by Jed Clayton (William Smith) but Amos and Clara Mae (Carmen Haywood) rescue him. A doctor (Don “Red" Barry) patches him up. Later after Clayton kills Clara the townspeople help fight off Clayton's gang and Boss kills Clayton but he seems to be killed at the end (I think...??) 

Despite being directed by the great Jack Arnold (as noted previously he was doing lots of TV shows around this time), BN seems to tread a thin line between drama and parody. Many critics seem to think it's a set up. I personally think it's a disaster and the filmmakers had no idea where they were suppose to take the film.

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