TV Vampire

 

 

 (imdb)

VAMPIRE-1979-Architects John (Jason Miller) & Leslie (Kathryn Harrold) Rawlins design and build a huge cross to help revitalize a section of San Francisco. Unfortunately, it seems they have disturbed the tomb of a vampire. Enter Count Anton Voyteck (Richard Lynch), a mysterious guy who's romancing Leslie's lawyer friend (Jessica Walter). Voyteck leads them to some underground ruins that house lost art. Voyteck is arrested but later released and he visits Leslie who he seduces, but it's obvious he's a vampire. Later John finds Leslie dead, her body mutilated. It's blamed on a serial killer but John suspects Voyteck. He also comes to believe Voyteck is a vampire but he cracks up and is put in a mental ward. 

When Voyteck visits John he plans to kill him but he's interrupted by Mr. Kilcoyne (E.G.Marshall), a pipe smoking retired detective who'd been hanging around unnoticed. It turns out Kilcoyne, like John, believes Voyteck was also responsible for some grisly murders that he and his partner investigated in the '30's. He believes his partner who became a priest trapped Voyteck underground (at the cost of his own life) and the construction let him escape. The duo hunt for him.

 It's mostly a lot of talk but seems to set up for a sequel or TV series (?). Joe Spinell is in one scene. Directed by E.W. Swackhamer, at the time a busy TV director.

Thanks for reading!

Cohen Returns

 

 (imdb)

GOD TOLD ME TO-1976-This opens with a sniper on a water tower killing people in NYC. Police officer Peter Nichols (Tony Lo Bianco) tries to take him down but the sniper jumps to his death after saying “God told me to”. Later Nichols visits a guy in the hospital who randomly stabbed a bunch of people. When asked why, he replies “God told me to”. At the St. Patrick's Day parade, a cop (Andy Kaufman) goes crazy and shoots several people. Before getting fatally shot he yells “God told me to”. The religious cop has a hard time coping while investigating and is eventually suspended. People riot when it seems 'God's own hand” is driving the murders. A drug dealer kills a cop and this too is blame on God. Meanwhile a cartel of businessmen worships a “living” God. Actually, a glowing, sexless offspring of an alien (Richard Lynch) and an Earth woman (Sylvia Miles in the present). Later the alien seems to take over Nichols and he makes a pimp kill some other thugs then himself. The alien/God wants a kid of his own but Nichols causes its destruction in the freaked-out finale, ending with Nichols arrested for murder and committed to a mental hospital. Some of the plot also involves Nichols' ex-wife (Sandy Dennis) and his new girlfriend (Deborah Raffin). 

This quirky, even strange, story was the concoction of writer/director Larry Cohen (two years after IT'S ALIVE) and as usual features weird dialogue and characters but some of the scenes seem out of place, not part of the story.

Thanks for reading!

Norris Is So Tough, He Makes Onions Cry!

 

 (wikipedia)

INVASION USA-1985-Soviet terrorist Rostov (Richard Lynch) wants revenge on retired CIA agent Matt Hunter (Chuck Norris; also one of the screenwriters). After failing to kill him at his home in the Everglades he plots the invasion of America. Hunter agrees to go after him. There's lots of violence and killing (families, teens at party, shoot out at a crowded mall) and ridiculous car chases. The invaders disguise themselves as police and soldiers to cause unrest. A woman reporter (Melissa Prophet) who's life Hunter saves several times isn't even grateful. Billy Drago has a small role as a coke dealer who's killed. 

Director Joseph Zito directed Norris in MISSING IN ACTION the same year and also made the horror movies THE PROWLER and FRIDAY THE 13TH:THE FINAL CHAPTER.

Thanks for reading!

Carradine The Younger

 

DEATHSPORT-1978-In the war torn Earth of 3000, the countryside is occupied by cannibals and barbarian like Range Guides. Two guides Kaz Oshay (David Carradine) and Deneer (Claudia Jennings in her last film) are captured by the mad Lord Zirpola (David McLean) and his evil henchman Ankar Moor (Richard Lynch) to compete in the title battle. After an escape plan fails, Kaz and Deneer are put in the battle which involves motorcycles and a fight to the death. The duo escape and Moor and his minions follow. A doctor (William Smithers) and his son (Will Walker) accompany them on a trek to find a missing child. Lots of people are disintegrated. After the child is rescued from some mutants, Kaz and Moor have a show-down. After decapitating Moor, Kaz and Deneer leave together. 

This entertaining little movie has cheap sfx and weird dialogue. Jesse Vint, HB Haggerty and Linnea Quigley have roles too. Jerry Garcia plays guitar on the soundtrack. Director Allan Arkush made this in between HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD and ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL. Co-director Henry Suso is the pseudonym of screenwriter Nicolas Niciphor.

Thanks for reading!

Curses!

DARK FIELDS-2009-A town called Perseverance has been under a curse fro several generations. It started when the farming community dug up an old hat. Now every generation has to sacrifice several of their children based on a lottery they devised. An Indian shaman and a tall bald guy with fangs also figures into it. It tells three stories at the same time but jumps around and tries to be arty (and causes much viewer confusion). The late David Carradine is seen in the 18th century segments and Dee Wallace is in the 1950's plot. Richard Lynch (who died in 2012) is featured in the modern day story as a mean crazy father who wants his cursed daughter (Sasha Higgins) to drown her own brother. Later it's just the brother and sister running around in the dark looking for a cure and useless scenes of gore and torture (some of it against children). It's kind of like Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" except it's not good.

Too bad the director (who probably needs mental help) Douglas Schulze (THE HELLMASTER) decided to the three way story line and waste the triple threat of Carradine, Stone and Lynch which is the only acting highlights. The rest of the cast is terrible.

Thanks for reading!

Fung!

SHOWDOWN-1993-Some bikers beat up some drug dealers and take their stash. The Mayor assigns police captain/martial arts teacher James Long (producer/writer/director Leo Fung) to do something about it. After a botched up stakeout where an undercover officer is killed Long vows revenge against the crime boss Kincade (top billed Werner Hoetzinger). The bikers invade the small town of Sanctuary, a haven for retired gangsters where Richard Lynch is "The Commander". When an ex-mobster (Frank Marth) who recently reunited with his daughter Mickey (Michelle McCormick) is blow up by the gang The Commander calls in Long to "terminate" their leader, the weird looking kind of effeminate Kincade. (Long doesn't seem surprised when on hearing this) Long beats up three bikers and kills two of them. Later a black female gas station attendant beats up half of the gang! Things really hit a wall when one of the ex-mobsters sings at a seniors meeting. Mickey beats up a biker chick but is later taken captive. Long rescues her while beating up guys much bigger than him. Later Long uses a rocket launcher and teams up with The Commander to wipe out the gangs but Kincade escapes and the story suddenly shifts to micro-chips and 2 comedic smugglers. One of them beats down Long but he gets up, gets in his car and follows them like nothing happened! I thought this movie would never end but Long finally beats up Kincade and arrests him.

Troy Donahue appears in one scene at the beginning. The direction, editing and acting in this is martial arts action drama are all sub-par but it was cool to see Lynch in a cowboy hat. Werner Hoetzinger was a set dresser for some movies and TV shows. Thank the lord this was his only acting role! Sometimes confused with the Billy Blanks movie of the same name (made the same year).

Thanks for reading!

Naked Mummies

THE MUMMY'S KISS-(2002)-This is sort of a soft-core remake of the original MUMMY movie from 1932! Except the reincarnated mummy in this one is a lesbian princess. But who is anyone kidding? It's all just an excuse to show a lot of women naked, having a good time with each other. Most of the actress appear nude (or at least topless). It even features a flashback to ancient Egypt.

Richard Lynch appears as a professor and wears some weird robes. Mia Zottoli plays the evil title role. Arthur Roberts plays Orisis.

Director/writer Donald F. Glut was known for making clever amateur home movies in the '60's and later wrote for cartoon shows like "Scooby-Doo", "Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends" and "The Transformers". 

Guess he got tired of cartoons...

Thanks for reading!