Massacre Mitchell Style

DUKE MITCHELL'S MASSACRE MAFIA STYLE-(aka THE EXECUTIONER)-1978-If you've ever seen the very bizarre BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA, you'll remember the comedy team of Mitchell & Petrillo who did a take-off on the the popular team of Martin & Lewis.

Well the Dean Martin clone of the duo Duke Mitchell produced, wrote and directed this THE GODFATHER rip-off but apparently he only had beer money to finance it. The acting, direction and editing are all terrible. Mitchell plays Mimi Micelli who narrates his story which begins in Sicily where he grows up after his father has been deported by the US. Mimi returns to the states later and hooks up with his old friend Jolly (Vic Caesar). They kidnap a mob boss Chucky Tripoli (Louis Zito) and hold him for ransom (they send his severed finger through the mail as proof). After crashing Chucky's son's wedding and he and Tripoli decide to team up. Mimi swears a lot, spouts racist slurs, smokes and kills with a shotgun. He forms The Sons of Sicily Defense League but their spokesman is shot dead on live TV. A gangster named Bones (Fred Otash) who's fed up with Mimi's antics beats him up and makes him go into the movie business! Mimi and Solly go to a black pimp called Super Spook (Jimmy Williams) to get some girls for their movie. After they insult him he says "you guys have been been watching too many Humphrey Bogart movies". (he's actually right in a way) When he declines their offer they crucify him on a church cross.

There's killing, some gore and an explosion at a funeral that kills all the mourners! Mimi's ridiculous speech at the end includes a swipe at THE GODFATHER movie and novel. His bloody death involves a shotgun hidden in a loaf of bread.

It's called LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON when the credits are shown at the end. Mitchell also wrote the movie and sings the end theme. He made one other movie GONE WITH THE POPE (which he started filming before MASSACRE) but died (in 1981) before it was finished. It was rescued from obscurity by Grindhouse Releasing (co-founder by Sage Stallone who died in 2012), Buck Flower (who has a very small role) was the only other cast member I knew.

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Kung-Fu!

HELL'S WIND STAFF-1979-A rapist has his eye gouged out. Then 2 guys fight over a chicken. Later a street performer trains 2 arrogant, stupid brothers Dragon (Hoi Mang) and Tiger (Yuen Man Meng). Four years later the one eyed guy seeks revenge on the teacher who took his eye. They have a fight but when it looks like the teacher is going to win, the one eyed guy's teacher interferes and the teacher and all his students are killed. All out fighting ensues as does atrocious dubbed dialogue. Dragon and Tiger hide an old man who knows "dragon fist"  style and he teaches it to them (then the movie seems to start over!). The duo really fuck up the one eyed guy and an excellent long out of control finale follows. This Hong Kong production was directed by Chin-Ku Lu who was also an actor.

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D & D: Dumb and Depraved

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS:THE BOOK OF VILE DARKNESS-2012-A group of treasure hunters fight CGI dragons in this low budget fantasy which is actually the third entry in a D&D trilogy. The groups includes a young hero knight (but he's not much of a hero really), a guy with half a face and a long roving eye and the usual bitchy female warrior. They fight over a treasure and double cross each other. In the climax the hero is almost skinned alive to make a secret book. The acting and dialogue as usual are ridiculous. There are some cool looking knights in a forest and a lot of CGI. I suppose if you are a D & D fan you might like it. I've read this is better than the first two parts. I can't imagine how bad they must be. The director Gerry Lively also made DARKNESS FALLS.

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Canadian Cannibals

CANNIBAL GIRLS-1973-This seldom seen low budget horror film from Canada was the second film directed by Ivan Reitman.

After their car breaks down, a couple, bushy haired Clifford (Eugene Levy) and Gloria (Andrea Martin) hear the local legend of 3 cannibal girls who killed and ate their victims. They go to a local restaurant (actually an old house) run by the weird Rev. St. John who is assisted by three women. A menacing servant hangs around too. St. John talks very over the top and acts mysterious. When they decide to stay the night St. John and his ladies attack Clifford and Gloria. She escapes somehow and is helped by a doctor. Later she's reunited with Clifford who under a spell leads Gloria back to "the restaurant". A hypnotized Gloria then kills Clifford and he's served as dinner with Gloria joining in. It ends (sort of like MANTOS, HANDS OF FATE) with a new couple going to the old house for dinner.

I think this was suppose to be a comedy-takeoff but I found it pretty boring. From one short scene it seems to imply that the reverend is the vampire head of some kind of blood cult but what's really going on is never actually explained. He's not even mentioned when an old lady first relates the legend of the three girls.

The original theatrical version featured a "warning bell" to tell viewers when a grisly scene was about to appear.

The similar US produced TERROR HOUSE (aka TERROR AT THE RED WOLF INN) was filmed the year before.

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ROBOCROCK (sorry I couldn't resist!)

ROBOCROC-2013-The warden (Corey Nemec) of a zoo/animal preserve has to contend with an Australian saltwater crocodile gone wild after a space rocket crashes in it's habitat and turns it into a killer due to some nano-bots. Besides dealing with that he has to put up with a know it all, stuck up insane government scientist (Dee Wallace). Eventually, it gets loose and the usual bloody attacks on unsuspecting locals and tourists take place. A drunken fisherman is the first to go. Then a dirt biker. To make matters worse (at least for the viewer) there's a side story involving two nerds (one of them is the warden's son) being bullied at a water park. Naturally the nano-croc invades the place. A stupid army colonel (Steven Hartley) orders a lock down of the park and the nerds and two girls are trapped inside. The croc brings down a helicopter (copied from JAWS 2). The story gets even worse when a guy named Nigel (Keith Duffy) shows up to help capture the monster. The climax goes on forever with Nigel attacking the croc with a knife (bad move), the kids escape by water slide and a hunt in the sewer.

 I couldn't find any other credits for director Arthur Sinclair. It seems to be his only film but I'm sure he'll be back for ROBOCROC 2.

RIP

Rest in Peace Ken Utsui:  1931-2014

Star of the Japanese science fiction film series SUPER GIANT (known as STAR MAN  in the US). He was in many other Japanese productions and was acting as late as last year.

Yes It Is

ABSURD-1981-The makers of ANTHROPOPHAGUS teamed up again for another gore film.

After seemingly coming back from the dead on the operating table a guy named Nikos (George Eastman, with the same first name and basically playing the same role from ANTHROPOPHAGUS) escapes after killing a nurse with a drill through her head. A mysterious priest (Edward Purdom, in PIECES the next year) shows up claiming Nikos is a "creature of evil" and "his body can regenerate dead cells". Nikos kills a butcher with his own electric saw and a biker then after much talking Nikos terrorizes a baby sitter (Annie Belle) and a bed ridden young woman Katia (Katya Berger) and her young brother. A long time is spend with Nikos trying to put the baby sitter inside a kitchen oven! Meanwhile the priest, a hard ass police detective (Charles Borromel) and his dumb assistant search fr the killer.

Katia somehow rises from a sick bed and does battle with the monster (who she blinds before chopping off his head!) in this drawn out craziness from low budget auteur Joe D'Amati. Future director Michele Soavi has a bit role. Listen closely during the operation scene and you can hear the director say "cut" and "action"!

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Italian Cannibal

ANTHROPOPHAGUS-1980-In a long opening scene a couple go to a beach. She's killed underwater and he gets a meat cleaver in the head. An American woman named Julie (Tisa Farrow with a dubbed voice) joins some tourists for a vacation on a secluded Mediterranean island. After fooling around with tarot cards they do some exploring and find the town there mostly deserted except for a young blind girl (Julie's friends' daughter). Of course it turns out that there is a mad cannibal (George Eastman) on the loose who used to be a guy named Niklos. Through a flashback we learn Niklos and his wife and young son were stranded in a raft. Niklos accidentally stabbed his wife when they argued over eating their dead son's body. Niklos wound up eating both and going mad. Niklos stabs several victims, decapitates another and rips the baby from a pregent woman and eats it. Before he dies he even attempts to eat his own guts.

The gore effects are typical for the time in an Italian horror film and the Niklos zombie is effective but much of it is way too dark.

Eastman (real name: Luigi Montefiori)  co-wrote the screenplay with director Joe D'Amati (real name: Aristide Massaccesi) who'd already made things like SEXY NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD and EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS. D'Amati would go on to make many more horror films in Italy (many in collaboration with Eastman) featuring bloody SFX and low budgets. Tisa Farrow (younger sister of Mia) co-starred in Fulci's ZOMBIE the year before. She'd make one more horror film in Italy HUNTER OF THE APOCALYPSE directed by Antonio Margheriti before retiring.

This played in US theaters as THE GRIM REAPER and was also known as ZOMBIE 7!

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Rothrock

HONOR AND GLORY-1993-Tracy (Cynthia Rothrock), an FBI agent leaves Hong Kong for Washington DC to investigate something about a Soviet warhead detonator. Her sister Joyce (Donna Jason)) beats up a black woman in a parking lot. They both practice martial arts. Most of this badly directed and acted martial arts crime drama is Joyce investigating corrupt banking CEO Jason Slade (John Miler) who calls Ronald Reagan an "old bastard". Eventually Tracy gets involved and gets help from (the unfortunately named) Asian FBI agent Dragon Lee (Robin Shou later in MORTAL KOMBAT) when it turns out Slade has the warhead.

 The whole thing is very disjointed. It almost seems like two movies edited together but it was directed by Godfrey Ho the master of the Kung-Fu paste-up job so that could explain a lot! It even takes time to deviate from the time story to focus on Hideo (Richard Yuen), Slade's disillusioned bodyguard. It also features phony shieks and one actor waits for his cue. Like a lot of Shaw Bros. films at the end four good guys fight the main bad guy.

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Chronicle (?)

CHRONICLE-2012-Three nerds receive superpowers after an encounter with some underground entity. Much of the story is told through the hand held video camera of Andrew (Dane DeHaan) a guy with an abusive father and dying mother. At first they mostly levitate things and do some practical jokes until one of them causes a car wreck. After one of them is killed Andrew loses control. To get medicine for his mom he kills, robs a store and blows up a gas station. He winds up in the hospital. Though there's lots of talk the finale where Andrew (kind of acting like Magneto)  brings new meaning to "angry young man" is really great.

At the time of this writing, DeHaan is cast as The Green Goblin in THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 and director Josh Trank is making a new FANTASTIC FOUR movie.

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CRAZY HOUSE-Universal-1943-The second film featuring the
comedy team of (Ole) Olsen & (Chic) Johnson after their chaotic HELLZAPOPPIN (based on their Broadway show). 

The team play themselves and want to make another movie for Universal but the studio head (played by Thomas Gomez) refuses so they decide to make their own "independent" movie! They hire a director (played by Patric Knowles who was in HIT THE ICE with Abbott & Costello and FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLFMAN the same year) and go about "signing" talent. Singer Cass Daley (who made very few movies) and Martha O'Driscoll (who later played the hunchback nurse in HOUSE OF DRACULA!) co-star. Parts are funny but the whole thing is bogged down by more musicial numbers than in any two Abbott & Costello movies! Many familiar character actors appear: Shemp Howard, Billy Gilbert, Percy Kilbride, Hans Conried, Franklin Panghorn, Bobby Barber and Charles Middleton. Actors and Actress appearing as themselves include: Leo Carillo, Johnny Mack Brown, Allan Jones, Count Basie and many more. Basil Rathbon and Nigel Bruce have cameos as Holmes & Watson!! Although Crazy House was not a hit, Olsen and Johnson would star in one more movie for Universal, GHOST CATCHERS (also with O'Driscoll). They would become stars of early TV several years later. Director Edward F. Cline worked with Buster Keaton on many of his classic silent films and later directed films with WC Fields and Olsen & Johnson's other movies.

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Color Remake

PHANTOM OF THE RUE MORGUE-1954-Color/3-D remake of Edgar Allen Poe's MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (brilliantly executed by Robert Florey and Bela Lugosi in 1932).

 After several grisly murders of women, Ivan (Paul Richard), a knife thrower is accused of killing the latest victim. A police inspector (Claude Dauphin) thinks Ivan has the ears of a killer (?) but has to let him go. He interviews folks at The Sorbonne where he meets Prof. Daupin (Steve Forrest), a psychologist who profiles the killer for the inspector. Daupin also introduces Dr. Morais (Karl Malden), a zoologist with a red herring servant (Anthony Caruso), a belligerent eye patch wearing goon. Daupin becomes a suspect when his (stolen) brooch is found on a victim. Later another detective arrests him after a victim is stuffed up his chimney. The inspector goes out of his way to proof (frame?) Daupin even though it's obvious he couldn't be the murderer. Jeannet (Patricia Medina), Daupin's assistant/fiance tries to help. Of course Morais is the actual villain who's pet gorilla (Charles Gemora) is doing all the murders. He framed Daupin because he's sweet on Jeannet and his wife committed suicide. But mostly he's plain crazy. The ape is attracted to bells on a bracelet each victim wore. Unfortunately after Moray whips the hairy killer, it goes ape (no pun intended!) and kills again. Witnesses see Morais and his pal so it exonerates Daupin. When the police come to get Moray he sets a lion loose. The ape climbs a tree with Jeannet in tow. Before its death by shooting it kills its master.

Director Roy Del Ruth started his career with Max Sennett and later directed the original version of THE MALTESE FALCON in 1931. He made TOPPER RETURNS, THE BABE RUTH STORY and many other mid and low budget programmers. One of his last was THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE (1959).

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Hong Kong again

INTERPOL CONNECTION-(Zhi zun te jing aka HARD TO KILL)-1992-Nearly an hour goes by and this is a standard cops vs. gangsters drama with Robin Shou as an arrogant Hong Kong government agent tracking a drug smuggler (director Phillip Ko) in Manila. There's shoot-outs, car chases and an annoying comedy relief detective, a real whining buffoon who still acts like a clown even after his partner is gunned down. However late in the story Yukari Oshima (aka Cynthia Luster) shows up as another Interpol agent who teams up with Shou for a decent martial arts finale that almost saves this badly made bore-fest (although Oshima moves are very good).

Stunt coordinator Dion Lam later worked on big Hollywood productions like THE MATRIX and SPIDER-MAN 2.

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Crime In Italy

SHOOT FIRST, DIE LATER-(IL POLIZIOTTO E MARCIO)-1974-Violent Italian crime drama with a corrupt cop Domenico (Luc Merenda; also in LE MANS & TORSO) working for the mob. He roughs up drug dealers who try to horn in on The Mob's territory and mostly ignores their crimes. It kind of pisses off the gangsters (one of them is American actor Richard Conte, who had been feature in THE GODFATHER two years before) because he doesn't want to be involved in the new enterprise of gun running and wants more money from them. Two weird looking thugs kill a witness and his pet cat and one other goon is a drag queen. All goes well, until his father (also a kind of police commissioner) learns of his son's deceitful ways when Domenico wants him to turn over some evidence. He gives sonny the report but is killed anyway. Then Domenico's girlfriend is brutally beaten and strangled. He gets revenge on the killers but in the end is shot in the head by another corrupt cop. There's too much talk, car chases and running around to distinguish this from anything thing else. Director Fernando Di Leo also made THE ITALIAN CONNECTION and a few other crime dramas.

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Baseball Murders

DEATH ON THE DIAMOND-1934-Interesting drama set in the world of major league baseball. The St. Louis Cardinals aren't given much chance of winning but their owner/manager Pop Clark (David Landau) stakes everything on an egotistical pitcher Larry Kelly (Robert Young). Things take an upward turn but gamblers try a fix. When they give another pitcher 10 thousand dollars to blow a game he instead throws a no hitter! The gangsters cause a car wreck that injures him. Thrown in his the typical love triangle with Larry, Pop's daughter Frances (Madge Evans) and slugger Spencer (Joe Devlin) who is shot to death before scoring a game winning run! It's obvious he was killed by someone in the stands but a stupid cop thinks Kelly did it out of jealousy! Ted Healy is featured as O'Toole, a dumb umpire (with bad eyesight) everyone calls Crawdad. Nat Pendelton plays another player who's poisoned. After another star pitcher is killed Pop wants Kelly to pitch but Frances objects. It turns out the mob had nothing to do with the killings. It's the work of a crazy groundskeeper! Somehow Kelly wins an important game with an inside the park home run in the finale.
Mickey Rooney and Edward Brophy are in it too as well as un-credited roles by Walter Brennan, Ward Bond, Bruce Bennett, Marc Lawrence and Bobby Watson and lines like "You can't tell the American people they can't have baseball!".

Director Edward Sedgwick started in silents, directed several Buster Keaton sound films, the terrible Laurel & Hardy feature AIR RAID WARDENS and many forgotten low budget films. His last work was on TV's I LOVE LUCY.

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Danny Glover Needs Beer Money?

AGE OF THE DRAGONS-2011-This nonsense is called a 're-imagining" of Melville's MOBY DICK. But instead of the crew searching for the great white whale they are looking for a white dragon. Over acting Danny Glover is Ahab, the whispering white dragon obsessed captain. New recruit Ishmael (Corey Sevier) learns about hunting with his pipe smoking companion Queequeg (Kepa Kruse). Rachel (Sofia Pernas) is Ahab's tough adopted daughter. For some reason Ahab kills the Starbuck character mid way through. Vinnie Jones (Juggernaut in X MEN: THE LAST STAND) is also in it. The dialogue and acting are outrageous! It almost seems like the actors are reading their lines off of cue cards! Filmed in Utah by director Ryan LIttle.

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You'll Wish The Mayans Were Right...

2012-2009-This big budgeted Hollywood science fiction disaster film fails in almost every category. It's plot is similar to several low budget cheapies that occasionally run on SYFY channel.

A writer Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) tries to help his ex-wife (Amanda Peet), his two children and her new husband (Thomas McCarthy) when global destruction of apocalyptic proportions starts destroying the Earth. Danny Glover is the stupid president of our evil government and  Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 YEARS A SLAVE) is a geologist called in to help but winds up butting heads with asshole chief of staff Oliver Platt. Thandie Newton (THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS) is the president's daughter who steals the Mona Lisa. All the major heads of various countries get together to embark on space arks. After many narrow escapes,  Jackson and company hook up with a Russian billionaire who has a huge plane ("It's Russian") that can take them to China where according to a map provided by conspiracy theorist/DJ Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson) they can find safety.

Scenes show the destruction of Hawaii, the Effiel Tower, the Washington monument and Christ of The Andes which figures since director Roland Emmerich known for such swollen budget catastrophes like THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW and the US version of GODZILLA also made this. The movie he made before 2012 also had a year as its title (10,000 BC). The SFX run from very good to very poor (especially considering the budget).

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